X is the first man that doesn’t remind me of my daddy in the emotional aspect.
He’s opposite.
Steady. Emotionally present. Clear.
He’s what I have been to others.
I find myself, though, embarrassed by the support.
When I shut down, he takes his time opening me up. Using his words and tender tone, warm body language. He lets me know that it’s us vs. the issue.
He leads me through conclusion after conclusion until I arrive at the one that suits me, and because of this, it suits us.
I don’t have to read into anything. He’s loud, and so I am able to sit back and notice.
His influence is subtle, and he’s right there for comfort as I walk through it.
His goal is to open me up and soften me, let me experience safeness through him.
But it’s terrifying, loosening up.
I’m afraid of that man.
The way his softness softens me, and I can’t help it.
I can’t help but lean toward him.
His understanding lowers my defenses, chips away at my walls.
I feel pulled to be vulnerable and am full of regret.
I can’t help myself.
Nothing is working as I try to form distance.
There’s words and connections and ways of being to soothe each wrinkle.
He wants me to feel safe. Genuinely wants to.
But I cry myself to sleep as my fate comes true.
I am losing myself.
Who I thought I was.
The mask that I wore.
In this space I am peeling. I am forgetting my past. I am losing touch with it.
This experience is destabilizing me.
As I let go of what I was and ease into what I’m becoming, it’s like I’m being led somewhere and everyone else knows where I’m going but me.
And I recognize nothing.
And no one.
And sometimes it all just looks like me.
And I don’t know what to do with this feeling.
Except somehow try to feel good about it all.
Somehow convince myself I am safe within it.
That I’m not dying.
I don’t feel like me when I miss him within the same day.
When I take his advice because it works for me.
When I let him do for me.
When I move to melt a bit.
When he experiences things about myself that scare others off and still adores me.
I don’t feel like me when I confess willingly.
When I want to spend time.
When I cook for and with him.
Freegrandmaa 