January 17, 2026

My Goodness.. Last night X took care of me. I had the day off, so I poured into Love, Lust & Lazuli. We were supposed to go the gun range, but his case was extended. I was disappointed but expressed little. I ache in silence, especially with a lover. He catches my scent though. He offered to cook dinner for me. I obliged. I picked up my sun; we were blessed with a ride home. I picked up herbs and incense. We headed home— which is next door to his. My sun was welcomed to play his video games. X made a deliciously cozy chicken pot pie. A hug to my heart. Nostalgic and so simple, and beyond me with a childlike ease. It was wonderful, even my sun liked it. I was able to make myself tea. I ate till full. Put my sun to bed.

 Within a few hours, I had wandered back over next door to him. I was soothed by the meal— ended up rocking myself while laying down trying to soothe further. The night was smooth and I was content. He noticed. He is observing me. He adores me. We held each other and I felt small and safe in his arms. He began to massage my back and legs – gripping whatever he could reach. He began to stretch my body. He pulled on my arms, and I felt like I was stretching my wings. Pressed his thumbs into my hands, tugging on each finger. I felt what it felt like for the body to trust—to believe it can melt. I did not have to think. He made my body do what he wanted and I let him.

I rolled around to face him. He wanted to do the other side. He pulled and pressed. We kissed. Kissing turned into something long awaited. More warmth. Everything about him is warm.

He planted kisses on my neck,

collarbone,

neck,

breast,

all over my back,

up and down my spine—everywhere. My moans were sonorous. I was gasping for memory. This is what I fantasized about. He planted kisses- everywhere. My breath was taken. He commanded me to lay on my back. I obliged. I am still in a hazy state of bliss and ecstasy. The things he did. How he touched me, how he took his time. He said he “knew it was going to be like this between us” while nuzzled between my thighs. I did not expect any of that, but I was delightfully surprised. I — my body lit up electrified. In ways I have only ever imagined. He did what I wanted him to do. He kissed my palm. This too stood out. He was waiting to do this. He was tender, gentle, strong, healthy. He asked for nothing.

Benevolent Cruel Season

an angel from the sun
who knew when to be lost
she’s benevolent
a cruel season
she began only to end
one day with her
was worth searching for
nothing about her was linear
she ran intoxicatingly
cold plunging into the hearts of her prey
she was found on the last eclipse
making mosaics
writing poems about it
what an imagination she is

The One Who Stayed Grounded

He aroused me till numb

My heart sedated by his insanity

Caught me mid-revelation

Reaching for me at the height of his vision

.

I wanted him to come with me

But he wasn’t that type of guy

It pained him to watch me as I’d fly

Still front and center he’d release me wild

He ached to carry me whenever I fell

.

Rubbed me up with aloe vera

And intuitive kisses to heal

Wanted to make it well

Fading as I opened to it

Defeated in the win

So I held him also in sin.

I Try To Unwrite It

Sometimes I reread the poems I wrote for past lovers and feel like… this was too good for them. I try to take it back

Too tender. Too raw. Too sacred.

Bitterness shows up first.

Memory comes next. 

With it the soft ache of truth.

I remember why I wrote it, the little universe we lived in for a while. 

And I remember.

I remember it was theirs. Because a version of me meant it.

Even if they didn’t deserve the whole poem forever.

Some things are real just because they happened.

And some people get lucky enough to be written about.

The love was real, so was the poem.

So I give it back.

Collapsed

When I experience grief
I open and everything enters.
There is no space.
I’m suffocated by spirits.
I’m blotchy, dry, aching.

from Repetitions of Ruin 
(incantations from the same wound)

I Wore You

we had the same conversations like it was yesterday
i wore blue for days and days straight
i wore all my fibers as you
i knew you were blue too
i fasted
i was corrupt
you wouldn’t let my burn touch a thing
you laughed in the face of it

Intention

She and I marry as she loosened her hair

I was warm between her legs

She was home

Welcoming

I loved to please her

I willingly submitted

She knew she was my baby

I knew how to make her come back

She was my intuition

Our whispering heads

Dancing heart

She played tug of war

Passioned

Me

I made love

She is my intention