I saw X.
It was tender, satiating for once. The first time we’ve connected that I left feeling… satisfied.
He was in tune with me. He listened to me and gave me what I wanted.
I felt his heart outside of his nervous system. I felt it on his body, tasted it on his skin, and heard it in his voice as he whispered to me.
He feels safe with me.
I spoke his love language as he laid his head on my bosom, and I caressed his head, back, and arms. I soothed him. I’m protective over him beyond myself.
I told him I cared about him and expressed other affections. I kissed his head. He’s my baby.
This time I adored him all the way.
We laughed and teased. I told him I felt safe with him. We held each other’s bodies, pressing skin against skin, rubbing our faces together, biting cheeks. He adores me.
We became yin and yang, and I loved it. Saliva and sweat—I didn’t mind.
I don’t need to know what it is anymore. I’ve worn myself out trying to understand.
I surrender.
He means something to me. What we have is genuine. It’s not some fantasy anymore. It’s real. Out of my head. Real.
I wanted to reassure him. Remind him that he’s special to me.
X is my lover, and I think I need him.
Time will continue, but I’m in a vulnerable place, and I’m no longer embarrassed to admit that I need him.
I needed him yesterday. We fell asleep on the phone.
I feel warm when he calls me his Mulberry.
We talked while I was at work, and I didn’t feel so alone in it all. I feel emotionally and spiritually safe knowing he’s here.
It’s easy to assume—or even wish—for more. Though I don’t think that’s us.
Something about X soothes me like a child checking to make sure their mother is still there, then finding out she is. The relief. The calm that follows.
Maybe I am not as strong as I thought.
This space is good.
I am chaos and loud. I am mad and an exciting time. I make safe spaces for people to exist, and they choose to stay.
Get to know someone long enough, and you’ll eventually see a piece of yourself in them.
I want to hold on to X.
I don’t want to let go of what we are.
I just don’t.
January 17, 2026
My Goodness.. Last night X took care of me. I had the day off, so I poured into Love, Lust & Lazuli. We were supposed to go the gun range, but his case was extended. I was disappointed but expressed little. I ache in silence, especially with a lover. He catches my scent though. He offered to cook dinner for me. I obliged. I picked up my sun; we were blessed with a ride home. I picked up herbs and incense. We headed home— which is next door to his. My sun was welcomed to play his video games. X made a deliciously cozy chicken pot pie. A hug to my heart. Nostalgic and so simple, and beyond me with a childlike ease. It was wonderful, even my sun liked it. I was able to make myself tea. I ate till full. Put my sun to bed.
Within a few hours, I had wandered back over next door to him. I was soothed by the meal— ended up rocking myself while laying down trying to soothe further. The night was smooth and I was content. He noticed. He is observing me. He adores me. We held each other and I felt small and safe in his arms. He began to massage my back and legs – gripping whatever he could reach. He began to stretch my body. He pulled on my arms, and I felt like I was stretching my wings. Pressed his thumbs into my hands, tugging on each finger. I felt what it felt like for the body to trust—to believe it can melt. I did not have to think. He made my body do what he wanted and I let him.
I rolled around to face him. He wanted to do the other side. He pulled and pressed. We kissed. Kissing turned into something long awaited. More warmth. Everything about him is warm.
He planted kisses on my neck,
collarbone,
neck,
breast,
all over my back,
up and down my spine—everywhere. My moans were sonorous. I was gasping for memory. This is what I fantasized about. He planted kisses- everywhere. My breath was taken. He commanded me to lay on my back. I obliged. I am still in a hazy state of bliss and ecstasy. The things he did. How he touched me, how he took his time. He said he “knew it was going to be like this between us” while nuzzled between my thighs. I did not expect any of that, but I was delightfully surprised. I — my body lit up electrified. In ways I have only ever imagined. He did what I wanted him to do. He kissed my palm. This too stood out. He was waiting to do this. He was tender, gentle, strong, healthy. He asked for nothing.
Freegrandmaa 