Tag: black writer

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Surrender to What?

Fragments from late winter 2026

I’ve never had a relationship that changed how I lived. I rarely am challenged by them. People usually bow down eagerly, voluntarily. They just prefer to witness.

I’m resistant to change how I spend my days. Following through on connections. How I spend my time. Secrecy, privacy, sharing my days. I don’t share much. I don’t commit to commitment. I don’t like to be bounded or possessed. I want to own all of me. Be in complete control.

I feel tied up, irritated, annoyed. Obligations make me feel out of control. Like my choice is being taken away. That’s why I run from certain expectations. Outside of family I don’t want people to expect things from me. I feel suffocated, manipulated, and rejected for who I am.

People tell me that I’m too private. That I tolerate too much. They say they can’t read me. They don’t know their place in my life. I’m judgemental. I see the good too much. I see something worth loving.

I don’t listen to constructive criticism or perceptions of me from people who aren’t curious of me. I intellectualize my fear of closeness. My commitment fears. I make excuses for others’ behaviors. I empathize too much. Any little thing I find wrong.

I was on my own way too early and way too long to believe long-term relationships are nourishing and safe enough to have.

I can hear how I’m perceived but I don’t care. I don’t wallow or fret. I continue to be.

Why is this the way? Why does my body crave this? Accountability, expectations, surrender. Surrender to what? A bunch of confused souls? Beings not to be trusted because they don’t trust themselves.

Y makes my body feel safe so it must be right. Right?

X says he’s going away. He says he feels like I abandoned him. He guessed I don’t care for him.

I ache. I don’t want to lose us, but I don’t want him. Well maybe here and there, not how we were.

X appeals to my shadow. I feel he wants me to beg him to stay. I won’t. His heart is broke and I can feel it. I don’t want to discard him.

He isn’t a good friend though and he tries as a lover but he isn’t reliable.

X understands my pain. He’s seen my spirit. I don’t need his company, but I want it. His adoration, his obsession. I feel like I’m real for a moment, I want to exist in that. Being somebody to somebody. Having physical comfort, sweetness.

X has me on a pedestal. He idolizes me. He knows little about me.

I’ll miss him, how he made me laugh, and wrote me poems. How he thought about me. Yearned for me, wants me. He is deceptive though and manipulative and he lies and he’s there when it’s convenient. It’s hurtful because I question if he really wanted me. I create fantasy and make believe. I get lost in it and forget what’s real.

I did not want to spend Valentines together. I did not want to keep rejecting him cause my heart isn’t in it anymore.

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February 3, 2026

When I imagine being harmlessly dominated, the first thing I feel is a sense of safety. To be controlled, to willingly relinquish control. I feel excitement and thrill to be powerless, weaker than.

My whole life I’ve had to manage, lead, be the bigger person, exercise wisdoms, discipline. I’ve had to parent my parents, friends, lovers, my son, myself.

I want to be a child but it’s all over.

A child with little to no choice, not a care, simply existing.

My childhood was severed.

I remember when I decided to place the burden upon myself. Tending to my father and his ocean of emotions. Suppressing my sadness to make room and hold his. I was in charge of how he felt, and when he was in pain it was my obligation to make him feel better.

It was an emotional rollercoaster I was born to ride, I suppose.

I was born in his boiling waters, birthed onto the old pavement painted by our bloodline.

Lost without.

I grew up and hit a point where control gave me comfort. I quickly realized I couldn’t control the world outside of me. So I hyperfixated on controlling myself.

I gave myself rules, an underdeveloped idea of structure. I studied and sorted through the labyrinth of my being.

I think this, paired with me choosing similar lovers, kept me silent. Holding their emotions. Holding, healing, tending.

I saw my dad in them all, so it was natural.

They are my shadow, opposite, docile, timid. I’m protective over them. They let me choose. They let me go and take me back.

Unfortunately, the damage is an open wound as a result of all the sacrifice.

I don’t let people hold me.

I don’t trust trust.

I don’t trust care.

All of my moves are calculated. I think it all through to make sense. I feel things out, follow each path out in my mind.

I don’t like surprises and not knowing. I need mental preparation.

I won’t let myself fall, or will I never put my guard down or go wild in the arms of another?

Only alone do I surrender.

Surrender could look like placing my heart back on my sleeve.

Maybe I’d become an emotional drunk, embrace being a femme fatale.

Maybe I won’t have any friends.

Maybe I’d detach and float away and up.

I’d be sad and heavyhearted all the time.

I’d cry. Wail. Beg.

It’s a slippery slope.

I fear I must stay tense or I’ll lose myself entirely.

Whatever that means.

If I lose myself and become other—was I even me?

My whole being is tired of being in control.

I asked him if he wanted to know about my day.

He said he did, as he was intrigued by me.

I sat silent and changed the subject.

I’m not so good at sharing me.

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August 11, 2026

X is the first man that doesn’t remind me of my daddy in the emotional aspect.

He’s opposite.

Steady. Emotionally present. Clear.

He’s what I have been to others.

I find myself, though, embarrassed by the support.

When I shut down, he takes his time opening me up. Using his words and tender tone, warm body language. He lets me know that it’s us vs. the issue.

He leads me through conclusion after conclusion until I arrive at the one that suits me, and because of this, it suits us.

I don’t have to read into anything. He’s loud, and so I am able to sit back and notice.

His influence is subtle, and he’s right there for comfort as I walk through it.

His goal is to open me up and soften me, let me experience safeness through him.

But it’s terrifying, loosening up.

I’m afraid of that man.

The way his softness softens me, and I can’t help it.

I can’t help but lean toward him.

His understanding lowers my defenses, chips away at my walls.

I feel pulled to be vulnerable and am full of regret.

I can’t help myself.

Nothing is working as I try to form distance.

There’s words and connections and ways of being to soothe each wrinkle.

He wants me to feel safe. Genuinely wants to.

But I cry myself to sleep as my fate comes true.

I am losing myself.

Who I thought I was.

The mask that I wore.

In this space I am peeling. I am forgetting my past. I am losing touch with it.

This experience is destabilizing me.

As I let go of what I was and ease into what I’m becoming, it’s like I’m being led somewhere and everyone else knows where I’m going but me.

And I recognize nothing.

And no one.

And sometimes it all just looks like me.

And I don’t know what to do with this feeling.

Except somehow try to feel good about it all.

Somehow convince myself I am safe within it.

That I’m not dying.

I don’t feel like me when I miss him within the same day.

When I take his advice because it works for me.

When I let him do for me.

When I move to melt a bit.

When he experiences things about myself that scare others off and still adores me.

I don’t feel like me when I confess willingly.

When I want to spend time.

When I cook for and with him.

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She Who Lives in My Chest

my heart is selfish
and only wants me

She’s abusive,
intrusive.
She swallows me hidden.

I’m in love with her
I trust her

She forces me,
shoves truth
out from my belly
through my clenched teeth

She makes me throw up,
nice and neat.
She edges me to moonstone tears

Even I am sick of me
and my selfish heart

She allows me to fold
as she soaks into my Viking thighs

I wouldn’t still be alive
without her

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June 22 & July 8, 2026

I saw X.

It was tender, satiating for once. The first time we’ve connected that I left feeling… satisfied.

He was in tune with me. He listened to me and gave me what I wanted.

I felt his heart outside of his nervous system. I felt it on his body, tasted it on his skin, and heard it in his voice as he whispered to me.

He feels safe with me.

I spoke his love language as he laid his head on my bosom, and I caressed his head, back, and arms. I soothed him. I’m protective over him beyond myself.

I told him I cared about him and expressed other affections. I kissed his head. He’s my baby.

This time I adored him all the way.

We laughed and teased. I told him I felt safe with him. We held each other’s bodies, pressing skin against skin, rubbing our faces together, biting cheeks. He adores me.

We became yin and yang, and I loved it. Saliva and sweat—I didn’t mind.

I don’t need to know what it is anymore. I’ve worn myself out trying to understand.

I surrender.

He means something to me. What we have is genuine. It’s not some fantasy anymore. It’s real. Out of my head. Real.

I wanted to reassure him. Remind him that he’s special to me.

X is my lover, and I think I need him.

Time will continue, but I’m in a vulnerable place, and I’m no longer embarrassed to admit that I need him.

I needed him yesterday. We fell asleep on the phone.

I feel warm when he calls me his Mulberry.

We talked while I was at work, and I didn’t feel so alone in it all. I feel emotionally and spiritually safe knowing he’s here.

It’s easy to assume—or even wish—for more. Though I don’t think that’s us.

Something about X soothes me like a child checking to make sure their mother is still there, then finding out she is. The relief. The calm that follows.

Maybe I am not as strong as I thought.

This space is good.

I am chaos and loud. I am mad and an exciting time. I make safe spaces for people to exist, and they choose to exist with me.

Get to know someone long enough, and you’ll eventually see a piece of yourself in them.

I want to hold on to X.

I don’t want to let go of what we are.

I just don’t.

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Souls’ Teeth

i weave tension

as eyes made contact

as our stare shapes

fantasy and eruption

we are careless

we destroy out of delight

our passion with walls poured pride

we became one another’s prey

i am dancing on the world

you built it with the grit

between our souls’ teeth

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Benevolent Cruel Season

an angel from the sun
who knew when to be lost
she’s benevolent
a cruel season
she began only to end
one day with her
was worth searching for
nothing about her was linear
she ran intoxicatingly
cold plunging into the hearts of her prey
she was found on the last eclipse
making mosaics
writing poems about it
what an imagination she is