Fragments from late winter 2026
I’ve never had a relationship that changed how I lived. I rarely am challenged by them. People usually bow down eagerly, voluntarily. They just prefer to witness.
I’m resistant to change how I spend my days. Following through on connections. How I spend my time. Secrecy, privacy, sharing my days. I don’t share much. I don’t commit to commitment. I don’t like to be bounded or possessed. I want to own all of me. Be in complete control.
I feel tied up, irritated, annoyed. Obligations make me feel out of control. Like my choice is being taken away. That’s why I run from certain expectations. Outside of family I don’t want people to expect things from me. I feel suffocated, manipulated, and rejected for who I am.
People tell me that I’m too private. That I tolerate too much. They say they can’t read me. They don’t know their place in my life. I’m judgemental. I see the good too much. I see something worth loving.
I don’t listen to constructive criticism or perceptions of me from people who aren’t curious of me. I intellectualize my fear of closeness. My commitment fears. I make excuses for others’ behaviors. I empathize too much. Any little thing I find wrong.
I was on my own way too early and way too long to believe long-term relationships are nourishing and safe enough to have.
I can hear how I’m perceived but I don’t care. I don’t wallow or fret. I continue to be.
Why is this the way? Why does my body crave this? Accountability, expectations, surrender. Surrender to what? A bunch of confused souls? Beings not to be trusted because they don’t trust themselves.
Y makes my body feel safe so it must be right. Right?
X says he’s going away. He says he feels like I abandoned him. He guessed I don’t care for him.
I ache. I don’t want to lose us, but I don’t want him. Well maybe here and there, not how we were.
X appeals to my shadow. I feel he wants me to beg him to stay. I won’t. His heart is broke and I can feel it. I don’t want to discard him.
He isn’t a good friend though and he tries as a lover but he isn’t reliable.
X understands my pain. He’s seen my spirit. I don’t need his company, but I want it. His adoration, his obsession. I feel like I’m real for a moment, I want to exist in that. Being somebody to somebody. Having physical comfort, sweetness.
X has me on a pedestal. He idolizes me. He knows little about me.
I’ll miss him, how he made me laugh, and wrote me poems. How he thought about me. Yearned for me, wants me. He is deceptive though and manipulative and he lies and he’s there when it’s convenient. It’s hurtful because I question if he really wanted me. I create fantasy and make believe. I get lost in it and forget what’s real.
I did not want to spend Valentines together. I did not want to keep rejecting him cause my heart isn’t in it anymore.
