We’re back in Ohio. The short trip to New York has left me heartbroken with an immense sense of loneliness. Did I do something wrong? My whole life I’ve been called to New York and what I thought was going to be a trip filled of connection, bliss, fun. I am disappointed. I ask if I’m meant to be alone. Am I a fraud are my instincts and intuition not to be trusted? What happens now? So many unanswered questions accumulate in my mind. Waiting for answers. I question alot. I can’t go home. And so here I am in my van in front of X’s house waiting for a sign. I want to dig my feet into the soils and refuse to move until I hear what I need to hear. I need reassurance. Anything.
My sanity is under question as I start to see more and more of my father in myself. The thought alone puts fear in my heart. I tell myself things are different. Am I lying to myself. Am I being honest with myself. Am I being selfish for being distant. How to relationship. I have no healthy coping skills. God doesn’t care to give me one. Loneliness will be the death of me in this world. New York has completely mind fucked me. My spirit is broken. How will I heal from this. What did I do wrong? Please tell me. If I answer myself I will only fall deeper at the hand of my response.
I need to get outta my head. I stay in my head. I need to get outta my head.
Freegrandmaa 