Tag: anxious attachment

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August 12, 2019

Today I decided to take time to myself; although I walked only down the street, it felt nice to leave X with X and I’m happy I toke this time.

I feel like X reflects my insecurities and he’s taking me outgrowing him personally. It seems his anger stems from who I was before the baby, who he wants me to be. I’m positive I’m just out growing him. We aren’t on the same frequency anymore. Pregnancy and birth has straightened me out. X’s birth gave me life. I am aware that I have an energy I give off but it’s because shit has changed. I’ve changed….

Regardless I know I judge him for not growing up, I just would really love for him to be walking our paths together. I told him that years ago when we were just friends. I told him I’d leave him behind if he refused to grow. He could’ve been….

I’ve decided to transmute the energy I’m trying to force between us; hurt energy as well, into something that’ll benefit me. I’ve decided I’m worth it. The life I crave to live I deserve it.

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September 21, 2020

So I’ve exploded, perhaps on something light as a feather. All the weight came down. X doesn’t think of the small things. He wants to be what I need but he just isn’t. He has alot to learn, or maybe he’s just used to treating me this way. Used to me allowing it. I know he has work to do because at one point he said he didn’t even know if we were together still. I wanna ask him why or how could he live and sleep not knowing if we were together. He says I’m intimidating. I don’t understand him, he doesn’t understand me. We both know our darkest parts though, so we think we know…

I was waiting for you and you just…

There’s alot of questionable things about him and only he can tap into his subconscious and sort it all out. And I don’t…. I do love him, we both deserve better though.

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March 12, 2017

Remembering

Sometimes I catch a scent; smell something, and I remember having roommates for the first time. My own room. I used to paint my naked vessel and rejoice in what I thought was adulthood. Silly naive me.

Sometimes I hear a song. It takes me back. I feel my belly drop to my toes as my tear ducts instinctively fills up, releasing the sight of my being… In the psychiatric unit having a time. I’ve never felt so safe, so understood. I will never forget my time in X.

All the beautiful lost souls I met and loved. I pray they too found themselves again. My baby, I was so young. I used to feel so sad. I am free from all of that. Hurt, pain. I am sending love to my inner child always.

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Intermediate

Offers ballads every hour.
Rid of it all
Hitchhiking springs guided through the exhale of stalling hurricanes
Inhaling life, exhaling blight and begs it awakens thee
Are we parasite or harmony

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October 11, 2020

I played hand and hand with death

Just for fun

Because I loved it

Milkyways and eggshells shadows glinted

I gravitated

I’ve been disassociating more this past week. Zoning out, going to different realities and freezing. Yesterday while driving I forgot where I was, where I was going, and what I was doing for like 10 seconds before I remembered. I was looking around frantically trying to grab hold of something I could remember. And while in the car with X he was handing me money and talking something I could care less about and I was elsewhere and I heard him but was unable to understand him. I’m neutral about it. Just observing. Curious to see what’s the root to my aloofness…

Today was a weird day and when I got X… and looked him in the eye. I felt grounded with his being, his golden beam. I locked eyes for as long as I could. And I felt home.