Freegrandmaa

Both my sun and rising signs are from Venus so it makes sense. I’m a lover. I get really passionate about love. Though my heart has gotten many beatings. And yet she loves to try again.

Right now my most important love is my sun. X is it all.

I’ve watched bits of the sunset. I’ve sorted through my past lovers like solitare. I wonder why I hold on so tightly like… Why am I filled with curiosities? Is it possible to outgrow the significant? To forgive them. To forget them.?

I’ll never forget my sun. I replay his birth and his numbers over and over in my head to remember what my ancestors bore. in a space unloving, unhily, i can definetaly carry and bbrgin forth the light. He’s growing right before my eyes and I can squeeze him no tighter. He loves affection, and he deserves it. He loves himself. So sure. I love knowing that he feels loved. I love making good choices with the thought of him. My love has outgrown me for him. Still sleeping through the night, still nursing. I get tied up in how he sleeps. The different positions. How his little arms folds and gets heavy as he gets sleepier. He loves the water, when we take baths together, he’d karate kick and chop the water until he’s all worn out, then he fall straight to sleep.

Taking it one day at a time. I have much to do, much to shift, and ample enough time, and the willpower as well.

I like to write nice. Reflect a nice mind, an unbothered mind. I wanted everything I express to be filled with meaning. Because even if I don’t have everything I want at this moment, I have meaning. I have reason and it really began to manifest this time last year. I was pregnant, with my sun Akhil. I haven’t really said much about that experience, it all kind of happened and continued like most things. I was really selfish with the experience at first, keeping it to myself, a lot was working through me. I was fully focused on summoning him. It was so moving though I didn’t say much. I think about it often. Replaying my entire pregnancy, my birth. Jumping dimensions, what that does to a woman. Floating around the memories of maidenhood.

im after im after
the depths of my heartaches
my knight in shining armor
im women! im women!
I’ll paint snowdrops with my tears and shed
and i’ll love everything that becomes of me
that comes from me
that makes me cum
one in one
fate and chosen in many spaces
oh look at what I’ve created

She liked the way he could trace her, perfectly. She loved how sneaking out the window delivered passion and open doorways. You see, she wanted to find new ways to feel loved. And he never stuttered when he spoke to her so it must be. And together figures made a dance so sacred. As they biked down the streets, owls perched on her crown. She’d arrive, bare and ready to be taken, to be grazed and to soften. To create something otherworldly, to speak only to him. With him she became the moon with the stars as witness. Forever and a day.

I don’t like shoes, I never fit them. And I’d tread lightly on thickened skin. but It didn’t scare me, I held only myself. And grasped on to my own limbs, another drink please. Peace to my maker. And bliss to all lovers in forms of the wild with four legs, and a healthy soul. I knew at that moment, I wasn’t getting old. And that id live forever, cause im always seen. And I would be forever in other dimensions living in my heart. Following my heart. For I trusted only her.

January 27, 2019 12:28AM  

Hmm. I’d hope to always be able to remember that time, remember that night we all meet. The night I became a women and stood virgin to the world. New mama. Blessed mama. Star seed. Our story

The day before our birthday we had to go to the hospital because baby wasn’t kicking as often as usual. While there, we were informed that the placenta was getting old; as baby at the time was 10 days late. They asked us if I wanted to be induced that night, and although my childs father was anxious to, I declined.. I wanted to go home and prepare, I wanted a bit more time to myself and to mentally get my stuff together, I wanted to stall giving my freedom away.. My childs father and I arrived the next day at the hospital around 11am on January 27^th ,2019. At 40 weeks and 12 days past the guess date. I was induced with pitocin, and after a couple of hours the pressure waves began and became more and more intense. I think its safe to say I kissed the hand of death as I climaxed to 10 centimeters. It all happened so fast at about 11 hours of labor. Stank face on 10, vaping THC in the hospital room like the boss mama I am..I wouldn’t have been able to get through it without X. He made me feel safe. I was surprised by his support and attentiveness..He held my hand tightly as I walked through the otherworld’s to retrieve our Sun. The midwives showered us with accolades the whole time, calling me the “Birth Goddess” because I was stoic, graceful and confident. They called us the birthing dreamteam and was amazed by my passion and our teamwork.

And so Pitocin kick starts labor. It creates what I call “fake pressure waves”, and those waves are more intense and frequent than natural waves. Many Mama’s; specifically my Moor mamas, who take Pitocin often end up getting an epidural or C-section because of the intensities (at one point I was reaching to X begging for approval to get the epidural, but he refused because all throughout my pregnancy I stressed how no matter what I didn’t want the epidural.) I’ll forever remember the intense sensations. In the moment I was convinced I would pass out from the intensities and I’m sure I blacked out several times as there are a few gaps in my memory of that day. I thought I wouldn’t be able to deliver, the pressure was indescribable. Then it hit me all at once as I was bent over the bed, I couldn’t help but push. I screamed “I can’t stop myself from pushing.” Midwives rushed in, demanding I get on the bed and on my hands and knees. It was time. They told me to push, with the green light I felt relief and began pushing. After about 2 pushes, I was no longer in the room. It was silent. I could tune in to the words my midwife, and at one point I looked around to see that about 6 more people had entered the room without me noticing. ( They we’re preparing for an emergency c-section) I paid them no mind, I knew I was going to deliver my baby. I wanted to meet my baby that was all that mattered. They turned me onto my back, and I remember saying I didn’t want to be on my back, little did I know that position would bring me instant relief. They told me to pull my legs to my chest, and I did just that. I was an animal, a wild canine vulnerable, at one point a midwifes hand came too close to my face and out of reflex I lunged forward and bit her hand..I’ll never forget her face, she had said she was surprised because; although Mama’s in the past had tried, no one had ever been successful in actually biting her. I was embarrassed for a moment and quickly decided it was her fault for coming too close to an wild animal birthing…In under 5 minutes of pushing, I had the most powerful orgasm, and the loudest cry of relief, I portaled my sun at 12:28am. I couldn’t believe it was that “simple” …Amazed that we had manifested this quick and “easy” birth. I had the midwives in shock… For a first-time birth. But there he was, laying on my chest. 6lbs 2oz. 21 inches.

In bliss I held him on my chest as they stitched me up, I paid no mind, showering him in kiss. He’s here, he’s here. Its crazy how instantly I fell in love. There was no question that you would hold my heart then. That you were my everything. So tiny, you fit perfectly in the middle of my torso, so snug, perfect for against me. I wish I could cuddle you forever. Choosing to be mindful in every moment with you. Drinking your sweet smell in. Listening to you breathe. I melt. After being transferred to the room, I had the best sleep. Comforted by my baby’s presence. I woke the following rising and it was proven all real. Inhale…exhale…I felt so welcomed by Motherhood…His birth gave me life.

I’ve never thought I’d have to unwillingly stop loving someone..I predicted that it would be you to pierce my heart in such a way that I’d experienced death following rebirth.

A taste of my own medicine although I should be thankful as it was not as bitter.

And it didn’t leave me empty or hungry

But uncomfortably full

no longer desiring romance or that kissy faced mushy love, falsely unconditional

The thought of sex and intimacy is distasteful as I feel more whole; more me, without

Ive matured past false true intentions

my skin for once feels like mine to touch, to adorn.

My creator was the first to break my heart and my soul

but you, you; the second

inspires a new fulfillment

I have hangovers from my sobreity

This is not again what is was

I see the engulfing hues of my yesterdays

And I bid farewell to me

Wanting only one, maybe even two

I pray filling and powerful

Seeing sight have you ever

This is here and forever

For only now falling down

Supposing to lay here and sew my wide

Oh cheers, yes cheers to sobreity

It’s all getting cleared

I don’t mind being homeless because I have a van. I don’t mind going to work cause I’m surrounded by kindhearted souls. I love taking classes and doing homework. I love getting high and walking my dog. I am grounded when I speak to my ancestors in the trees; when I say hello to the worlds. I’m easily pleased and can do much with little. Life can be so simple, don’t take it too seriously.