Posts

Posted on

October 4, 2023

I feel a void here now more than ever.

Even though I’m a bit behind, Im quite rich. Going to plan to get back into donating. Hopefully I can find one closer to me.

I’ve surrendered though. Is ‘giving up’ synonymous? What if it’s my son and I forever. Honestly I think I’d be alright. What if I’m alone up here. My days have been good actually. Tomorrow he has a hearing appointment and we’ve been going to the library, he likes that.

I feel like the more I spend time with myself the further I float. Downloaded Instagram but only for about 15mins. I couldn’t stand it and despised the thoughts I was having. I quickly grew annoyed with the app and then annoyed with myself. The idea of social media is immature and consumerist based and it brings that out in me. I’ve been off all summer.

I’m just detached from summers heat and flings. Am I going somewhere. Do I even have a destination. I feel like my destination may simply be a feeling. Like once I feel safe I’d know I have made it. My body anyways. I wonder how long it takes for your nervous system to regulate. I feel most safe when I’m not partaking in the worldly world. I want to feel safe in the worldly world. I want to feel safe with someone.

Posted on

Beginning in your pores

God

Did I make it

I’m in your pores

I want to form with you

Become everything

Mercy me Brahman

I want to be felt

For Ganesha to pluck my harps strings and

Place me down

Sing me a song or something

Tell me it’s real

Posted on

April 16, 2017

I broke.

I can’t stop the tears. I haven’t said anything all day, and if I did, I wouldn’t have anyone to say it to.

I spent it in silence and with X. I can’t remember the last time I’ve cried this much and long.

I broke.

I suppose it isn’t possible to ignore trauma, can’t dodge it either or decide you don’t suffer when you’re always alone. I don’t know what to do about this situation but I’m losing myself. Not trying to hold on. I haven’t recognized my thoughts and decisions. My ways for releasing energy is a problem, but that’s okay…

That’s why this whole journey has been so “difficult” for you. You think you’re just over it.

Posted on

How to connect

Slow connections make me uneasy, but perhaps they are the healthiest. Perhaps these passionate beginnings are tactics used for benefit by leeches and vampires. They tend to like my blood the most. Perhaps slow connections should be preferred. To see, trust and remind myself of who I am. Like one step at a time. An unknown. I’m not so sure what I’m supposed to be learning or doing.

Posted on

September 24, 2022

I get hate for being an alchemist.

I’m surrounded by hurt people. Confused people. Boundaries. Know my limits. Become a recluse.

My abundance is my backbone. It’s what real love tastes like. Unconditional love. Chamomile and honey.

Calm waters. Strength. I know how it looks getting there and what it feels like. I taste it often. It surrounds me. I’ve felt the touch.

Seeking similarities. Taking risks but not to strike blood, not blind and never fooled.

Tap in or keep your distance, cause once ancestors makes moves we burn bridges with haste to protect ours.

Posted on

Listen

Angels speak

I’ve warned you

Warning. Red. Alarmed. Gut.

Warning

Have a problem?

Confront yourself

Don’t pretend to forget

Don’t rely on other to remember

You are the pilot

Spirit knows what you know

And you know what you know

So hold oneself accordingly

Bear the flame you’ve created

Dance in it

Feed the seeds you sow with the ashes

Ain’t no one to blame but yourself; if one must

Catch a mirror, catch a blade

Capture the power of choice as you catch the sunrise

Our choices; we choose

What future are you voting for

With every breathe, each rising, every move

Every seed

As you’ve placed your opinions and judgements through the paths created

Everyday of the the rest of your life

You have placed your bets

You have created the paths

And ultimately

Believe it or not

You are in charge

Embrace it or fall in line

Lead or be lead

Posted on

Critique

Who was he?

A collaboration

an art piece

of everything

he was

starstruck and he presented himself as if it was easy

pretending he could shoot arrows and find friendships in the currents and the sand

holding hands with the reality he found himself in

gifted sun worry not

you are everything you say you are

you are reflected you are favored now

your hands can be cleansed

and you can explore the wardrobe of life

Posted on

Timetravelers

what are you

cause i cant seem to keep up

a god with wings

a newborn

one year

youve walked

circling my being

sprinkling soulful lust and miracles

blowing clouds and fighting starving canines

out of want it glows so natural

you change dress as the seasons do

wearing rain boots taking my hand

we dance

spinning in circles

forgetting this space creating our own dimensions and

becoming the galaxies

Posted on

Expressing Gratitude

I am grateful for music. I am grateful for my strength and awareness. I am grateful for waking up. I am grateful for my able body. I am grateful for having a full stomach. I am grateful for water. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for the roof over my head. I am grateful for how wonderful stretching feels. I am grateful to be able to sit up straight and meditate on my breathing. I am grateful to be able to feel my lungs fill up. I am grateful to be able to walk and write and process my feelings. I am grateful to be able to hear the birds right outside my window, and hear the fan, and “Shadow Dance” by The Internet is playing in the distance. It’s just the most relaxing mixture. So grateful to be able to hear. I am so grateful for words and being able to read and write. I am grateful for being able to write and that my hands work perfectly for me to be the multifaceted artist I am. I am grateful to be alive today. I am grateful to be learning more about myself everyday (still relevant circa 2020). I am grateful for my van (RIP Rinji). I am grateful for my life and strength. I am grateful for my senses. I am grateful for easily accessible food. I am grateful for the rain. I am grateful for genuine connections. I am grateful to be comfortable in my skin now. I am grateful to have all of my essential needs meet. I am grateful forth wholesome food mama earth provides. I am grateful for who I’m becoming. I am grateful for my lessons. I am grateful for my blessings. I am grateful for life.

I Am Gratefuls circa. July 2016

Posted on

Tea time with My shadow

“Hmm. Ode to him. In another world I believe you were the love of my life, as I was the apple of your eye. Here, we stay dancing with the spirits of our multiverse. The ghosts of the past replaying within us. As love calls our names. Tethered. But not in the same, for here we sit touching our crisp layers, and saying a prayer to be seen. With nothing to say.

It’s not me.”

-It’s not you either.

“Ive never believed in love at first sight. I laughed in the face of the idea that someone could love someone like me.. at first glance? In one moment? Not a chance. My inner child until recently believed she wasn’t worthy. So much embedded within the coatings of my skin. But when he smiled, and I saw him alive, we would be, I humored the idea and seconded guessed it ever so slightly. And he would say those lil old things and my troubled self played the game. I often wonder was it real. Portal jumping? Never mind.”

-Harmony. Remember?

“Innocent. I remember

Together we became fire. Grounded together by the coals of our worlds. There together. Apart together.

I often played make believe and soft movies. Combined with his promises, his love tender lovin had me running. I played with the idea of him every time we meet, never as aligned. I’d like to believe the love was real, when life was being nice to us, when shit was sweet. When we were open and holding. I have videos of us in our cave. Another kind of us.  Who knew co-creating a vessel and portaling a spirit would be so life altering.

Baby I felt his love before, that consistent type. When we cuddled like we’re meant to be. When we laughed and he felt like home. and I’d feel it every day.

But he didn’t hold up his end. He’s not ready to grow with the earth that has touched him. He’s not ready to twist and bend himself between the seams of his mind. To ripe at his own flesh with new hands, as he has mine. And what did I tell him? Oh to be afraid of death… Remember?”

This ode is more for me more so than him, or you, or you. Sitting tongue twisted and full of tears sipping tea with Heartache these days. my old friends! And time will heal and its Zen, just another storm now. it’s just when I’m alone and when he is near I think of him in bits and pieces. Done micro analyzing and compromising. Fuck it.

I wanted to know who you are.

But we’ve showed each other who we are.

Peace & Releasing myself from this cycle