Freegrandmaa

The bridge of my identities
the space where I defy
where my oh my deity lies
There be many more of us round this time
it’s lunacy
it’s benign
they prefer to speak all at once
romanticizing a dime store novel
we thicken as heavy falls to follow
Maybe we’ll try again tomorrow..

She was in search of a sign
a rooftop roaring for a savior,
a drunken eye,
a cirrus cloud.

Nothing held

There’s always a dilemma,
an unwanted guest
sitting beside my iridescent flesh.

What do you reveal of me?

I can’t let anyone see this side of me.
Sadness and envy are just little girls
whispering brutal truths.

A little love to all my anonymous lovers this year… your quiet devotion tastes divine.
And to the silent ones watching me from the dark; bless you, for you’ve been delicious this year.
A kiss to every admirer who wandered my pages; keep lurking, lover, your presence is felt.
Bless the website ghosts, IG lurkers, midnight readers. You have warmed this year in ways only the unseen can.
Thousands of eyes, no names. Bless my hidden darlings your silence kept me entertained all year.

I’ve softened. I lost almost everything.
I live in another world—I shouldn’t force an earth landing.
I should return to the swinging sky. I miss my dad. I see him all the time. In the ones that love, in the ones that hurt. I’m heaving, I’m hurting.

Right now I’m sad, lonely, fueled off my anger
and sweet vengeance that lifts me up—aflame.
My pain is subtle.
Clear as day in the micro movements.
Forgotten on someone’s windowsill.
If I’m still, my eyes swell.
This is hard.

I’m pernicious. My harm is subtle.
A silhouette just silent and still.
You don’t feel it till you do.

My heart has extra beats now.
My chest is a wicked storm, numb to the groundswell,
toes curled, jaw locked.
I must take a new shape to survive this.
I’ll have a completely new life come snow fall.
I won’t be “myself” anymore.
I want to yell and scream and say hurtful destructive things.

~[ July 25′ journal fragments ]~

They say ignorance is bliss
From the outside
looking into me
my mind is a hell
I am a devoted dare
inside an alchemical burning
My mouth full of delirium
bathing in delirium

In her fantasy she’s no longer comfortable.
She can’t be here.
They don’t hold space for her.

Is it demented?
An illusion?
A fragment?

Heat pressed her
against a buried wall
she carried her sloppily
it was her turn
to flutter
over the jagged landscapes of abandonment
anchor the past
to the nape of my neck
it was our favorite spot to disappear
stretch
kiss