Freegrandmaa

I saw X.

It was tender, satiating for once. The first time we’ve connected that I left feeling… satisfied.

He was in tune with me. He listened to me and gave me what I wanted.

I felt his heart outside of his nervous system. I felt it on his body, tasted it on his skin, and heard it in his voice as he whispered to me.

He feels safe with me.

I spoke his love language as he laid his head on my bosom, and I caressed his head, back, and arms. I soothed him. I’m protective over him beyond myself.

I told him I cared about him and expressed other affections. I kissed his head. He’s my baby.

This time I adored him all the way.

We laughed and teased. I told him I felt safe with him. We held each other’s bodies, pressing skin against skin, rubbing our faces together, biting cheeks. He adores me.

We became yin and yang, and I loved it. Saliva and sweat—I didn’t mind.

I don’t need to know what it is anymore. I’ve worn myself out trying to understand.

I surrender.

He means something to me. What we have is genuine. It’s not some fantasy anymore. It’s real. Out of my head. Real.

I wanted to reassure him. Remind him that he’s special to me.

X is my lover, and I think I need him.

Time will continue, but I’m in a vulnerable place, and I’m no longer embarrassed to admit that I need him.

I needed him yesterday. We fell asleep on the phone.

I feel warm when he calls me his Mulberry.

We talked while I was at work, and I didn’t feel so alone in it all. I feel emotionally and spiritually safe knowing he’s here.

It’s easy to assume—or even wish—for more. Though I don’t think that’s us.

Something about X soothes me like a child checking to make sure their mother is still there, then finding out she is. The relief. The calm that follows.

Maybe I am not as strong as I thought.

This space is good.

I am chaos and loud. I am mad and an exciting time. I make safe spaces for people to exist, and they choose to exist with me.

Get to know someone long enough, and you’ll eventually see a piece of yourself in them.

I want to hold on to X.

I don’t want to let go of what we are.

I just don’t.