Unfiltered. Unedited. Just me.
These are moments I felt the need to write, sometimes soft, sometimes chaotic. I’m not polishing them. I’m not dressing them up. I’m just sharing them as they came.
October 4, 2023
I feel a void here now more than ever. Even though I’m a bit behind, Im quite rich. Going to plan to get back into donating. Hopefully I can find one closer to me. I’ve surrendered though. Is ‘giving up’ synonymous? What if it’s my son and I forever. Honestly I think I’d be alright. What if I’m alone up here. My days have been good actually. Tomorrow he has a hearing appointment and we’ve been going to the library, he likes that. I feel like the more I spend time with myself the further I float. Downloaded Instagram but…
How to connect
Slow connections make me uneasy, but perhaps they are the healthiest. Perhaps these passionate beginnings are tactics used for benefit by leeches and vampires. They tend to like my blood the most. Perhaps slow connections should be preferred. To see, trust and remind myself of who I am. Like one step at a time. An unknown. I’m not so sure what I’m supposed to be learning or doing.
September 24, 2022
I get hate for being an alchemist. I’m surrounded by hurt people. Confused people. Boundaries. Know my limits. Become a recluse. My abundance is my backbone. It’s what real love tastes like. Unconditional love. Chamomile and honey. Calm waters. Strength. I know how it looks getting there and what it feels like. I taste it often. It surrounds me. I’ve felt the touch. Seeking similarities. Taking risks but not to strike blood, not blind and never fooled. Tap in or keep your distance, cause once ancestors makes moves we burn bridges with haste to protect ours.
Expressing Gratitude
I am grateful for music. I am grateful for my strength and awareness. I am grateful for waking up. I am grateful for my able body. I am grateful for having a full stomach. I am grateful for water. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for the roof over my head. I am grateful for how wonderful stretching feels. I am grateful to be able to sit up straight and meditate on my breathing. I am grateful to be able to feel my lungs fill up. I am grateful to be able to walk and write and…
Tea time with My shadow
“Hmm. Ode to him. In another world I believe you were the love of my life, as I was the apple of your eye. Here, we stay dancing with the spirits of our multiverse. The ghosts of the past replaying within us. As love calls our names. Tethered. But not in the same, for here we sit touching our crisp layers, and saying a prayer to be seen. With nothing to say. It’s not me.” -It’s not you either. “Ive never believed in love at first sight. I laughed in the face of the idea that someone could love someone…
Muse
I wish to attract a muse aside myself..I feel like I’ve mastered capturing myself in many mediums. I know how to transmute my experiences into art. Showing my insides, being in admiration of my story and path creating personal masterpieces and whatnot .. Still I have always been captivated with the idea of being so inspired by another being as I am by myself. The passionate flow of needing another to express such a need, or being in love with a beings being so much that my creative waters just overflow in imagination. Hmm in due time perhaps
The devils playground
TV was not created for entertainment. It is strictly used for programming and to instill the capitalist mindset.. Programming our emotional reactions and our wants and needs. Polluting our minds with unrealistic content so that we may surely be discontent within ourselves. Just another form of escapism for us to remain complacent yet spiritually unsettled. Observe someone as they watch tv…Looks like brainwashing doesn’t it? Do you think the elite watch TV?
Self-Awareness
Self aware since birth, didnt need a birth chart to tap in and see my fate. Just needed spirit, ganja, and good ole isolation (at one point isolated in a van for most of 2 years.) And about three or four lovers here and there that would make my heart bleed all kinds of lovely hopeless romantic emotions ; emotions that were transmuted into expression and the rebuilding of what I was then. Though now years later to have healed enough to love myself and be full on that. Ive always had my ancestors in my ear reminding me that…
Sanity ‘19
I be tearing up recently. Wanting to cry but I don’t know why, stacking up, to fall over. Being mad at being sober. Just calling bitter my new best friend. No actually we broke up. Settling with sadness. Undressing every part of me until im red and ugly. Does anyone truly love me? X doesn’t count in this game. Hes an angel, his love aint sane.
Perspective
Its been a while since I stared at myself in the mirror. Looking at my reflection until I was indescribable. Until I realized I am nothing yet, or ever. And the forces of the love are behind me. Quantum leaps I declare. I toke photos of myself my face, my eyes; my goodness how deep, how pained and tire. I felt it all, and then nothing, with the words I can let go of it all. Im not even that. Humans are googly looking creatures. Like what is this flesh, im kinda getting turned off by the human anatomy, not…
Modern day Revolution
This is not a matter of black and white. It’s an attack on consciousness, to set us back, to lower ourselves. Although my DNA aches from the beatings and trauma ringing from my ancestors ears, and Ive spent these days grieving and feeling the fear sharp within the depths of my spine. I had to straighten myself out in the faith of my power and my God body. They want us to forget and to feel weak so we won’t even think twice; won’t even consider the magic within our palms. Its as easy as solely believing in yourself and…
ABUNDANCE
I’m not gonna lie…The idea of everybody coming together makes me wet. Being self-sustainable, trading, and relying on each other, is so attractive. Seeing people unify their resources in an equal exchange of gifting and receiving turns me on. Does it not you? As you probably know I’m an evolutionist, and as we speak us huemans are evolving. Layer by layer, shedding, peeling our consciousness from the meat of our flesh and seeing only one. How radient. What an abundance. I see villages and commUnities and families self sustaining and supporting each other. I see my people touch the earth…
Reaching out to Ancient Roots
August 30, 2017 In a world of so many I find myself distant. To be hueman, I struggle to hold the capacity to grasp what that entails. Hmph, expectations. Hmph labels. So sure i’ll ask, am I hueman? My ancestors are you there? Growing up I’ve pondered over who you all were and if I resemble any before. I’m from a cluster of seven stars. Where my befores laid. I wonder if a Great has ever found themselves unattached and confused upon being birthed onto this earth. Did they just so happen upon Mama. A fellow wanderer, exhiled, a lotus…
vulnerable wombman
When I found out I was pregnant I was not happy. I mourned, I raged, and I died a little every day. After that 6th test I was flooded with feelings of disgust, disappointment, and shame. As a survivor of rape and sexual abuse, finding out I was pregnant was the biggest trigger. I felt violated, oh how had my body betrayed me once again? My womb was holding onto many traumas that was kicked into the spotlight with the landing of my sun. Up until I found out I was with child, I was an avid day drinker and…
love
I wanted to feel my power, and so, I felt my power. one moment i was lying down searching for an inspiration, the next moment I was searching for… I touched and caressed my brain cells from the depths of my milky-way to the hums of John Coltrane. Shouting to myself affirmations like “I am abundant!” and “I love myself”. Telling myself that “I attract success”, and “money flows to me easily” as I pressed on my magnificent. “I am beautiful, I am perfect!” I moan with a release. I am in shock. In that moment I felt my pull,…
July 3, 2019
It makes sense. I’m a lover. I’m passionate about love. Meant to embody it’s essence. I fall in love with anything, the lightest and darkest of things. Though my heart has gotten many beatings. I will never stop. And yet she loves to try and try again. Right now my most important love is my sun. X is it all… I’ve watched bits of the sunset. I’ve sorted through my past lovers like solitaire. I wonder why I hold on so tightly like… Why am I filled with curiosities? Is it possible to outgrow your lovers? To forget them.? I’ll…
July 24, 2015
Everyday I look into pairs of eyes, and onto their noses and then to their mouths until my eyes have completely dissected and devoured the concept of them being. Just like me, here you are. Oh what beautiful wonders of the world taking place. With every inhale. Every Exhale. I believe that once again, yes the world is beautiful, as the inhibitors are. The experience of being human is so intricate in itself and within us all I am the only one. You are the only one. He is the only one. Here we all are trying to figure out…
Birth and Rebirth
They say many women lose themselves once they’ve accepted the call to motherhood. I believe that once a women walks the ethers to retrieve their child it is then they are able to realize who they truly are. For they are the embodiment of the original creator. They are the universe, the soil, the blood. And if willing, they return washed over with a new innocence. So pure and full of that good love, that unconditional love. There’s much to learn about the trials of motherhood. Stretched to our limits, and then once more until you accept that you will…
August 2, 2019
I like to write nice. Reflect a nice mind, an unbothered mind. I wanted everything I express to be filled with meaning. Because even if I don’t have everything I want at this moment, I have meaning. I have reason and it really began to manifest this time last year. I was pregnant, with my sun Akhil. I haven’t really said much about that experience, it all kind of happened and continued like most things. I was really selfish with the experience at first, keeping it to myself, a lot was working through me. I was fully focused on summoning…
September 4, 2017
I don’t mind being homeless because I have a van. I don’t mind going to work cause I’m surrounded by kindhearted souls. I love taking classes and doing homework. I love getting high and walking my dog. I am grounded when I speak to my ancestors in the trees; when I say hello to the worlds. I’m easily pleased and can do much with little. Life can be so simple, don’t take it too seriously.
January 2018
I remember the day I broke into your house… what a mess I was, climbing through your kitchen window at 3am drunk and flustered. Demanding words and armored answers. You justified and..I thought you had to mean it. I thought you felt my feelings as you soothed. I thought…
May 26, 2018
“…the sea’s only gifts are harsh blows and, occasionally, the chance to feel strong. Now, I don’t know much about the sea, but I do know that that’s the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong, to measure yourself at least once, to find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions, facing blind, deaf stone alone, with nothing to help you but your own hands and your own head…” – Primo Levi May 26, 2018 I’ve crossed the line. A…
March 10, 2017
On some nights my home shakes with the wind. Threatening to topple over and twirl with the blizzard. It takes punches for me and I am thankful. Because some homes resemble holey blankets and concrete sidewalks. Some nights my toes numb as I suffocate myself beneath the layers, underground some nights I wish. For survival and if the universe is feeling giving, a sense of comfort. Some nights I find my vessel shaking as my base does, some nights, leaving my vessel with cramped joints on vibrate. Honey I’m can’t afford to be cold, I’m surviving. I force myself to…
March 16, 2017
No one ever told me it would be like this. I am driving my heart is pounding. throat dry, take a hit. my vessel shakes. the inside of my thighs suffer from vicious tremors. as my stomach tightens like a volcano, i felt it rise. i sobbed No one ever told me it was so intricate. that emotions are real and so is abuse. and the scars formed by jumbled lost letters. so what good is a relationship anyways. i never heard about lust like i feel it. lust is more than wanting to fuck, and then fucking. i be…
Gratitude
Every day I’ve made it a habit to express what I was grateful for. Be it a meal, a beautiful day, or simply having a shower to clean myself in, I wrote down every blessing I received almost every day, the beauty I saw, and every privilege I had. The more I thought about all I had, the less I cared about what I didn’t. I began to check myself when I noticed I was complaining about something I didn’t have and wanted. I checked my wishes, and my prayers. Because I now was grateful. I found freedom and peace…
August 30, 2017
I appreciate these moments. laying on a palette in my van in a auto shop parking lot, sipping on wine, smokin ganja, writing poetry. it’s simple. it’s nice. it’s me. in my natural habitat i stay. nude. natural. honest. Alone. I feel like some people struggle to find those sincere moments. fearful of being their unfiltered self. Unfiltered. Belly bloated. scabs exposed. Summer sweaty body. What are we afraid of? Your own judgement. inflicted insecurities? Your ego? out of all of the nonsense deemed socially acceptable; or for lack of a better word “normal”, why is rawness not? fully concealed…
January 26, 2017
“Why isn’t this normal” can be a hashtag or button in which you say or do something light or out of love. Asking ” Why isn’t this normal” for example like twirling in the park, dancing down the street, buying a stranger coffee or food, genuinely asking someone how they are doing. To serve as a reminder of the the little things and respecting human life. We’re really all in this together.
August 21, 2017
On the bright side I spent the afternoon with X; which was a savory escape into honest comfort , lifted my spirits and made me orgasm to the rattlings of freight trains rollin by, simply by …. It was wonderful, I felt it in my entire being, every blood cell, every inch of flesh and bone electrocuted and I felt it. It was blissful hanging in my van, caressing ,cuddling, and fondling. Great escape, the synchronicity is unreal.
September 7, 2016
The first time I fell in love with another it was during a low time in both of our lives. It was long distance for most of the time. He would call me everyday even though I was sleeping, even though we didn’t have a thing to say. And I would write and send him intimate poetry every week. He didn’t understand it, but he understood me. As usual; after some time, we stopped seeing each other. And well, the phone calls slowly stopped coming as frequent, and my hands were too tire to write or feel. Our lives intensified.…
June 20th, 2021
Summer solstice Depressive episode to balance the happy. Wishing to crawl back under my polished rock; or to be less dramatic, meet new people. People who look like me. Compliment me… Observe then indulge. Today I feel hopeless with human connection. Even X & X are not on the flow I can truly connect to. I just desire to be around people that are into authenticity, growth, and building, creating and making the world a better place. Trailblazers. Shadow workers who aim their arrow at the target. Same old complaint… …My dreams have been violent. I’ve been mauled, attacked, chased.…
June 29, 2017
I woke up at 6am for the first time in weeks on my own and I gotta say I’m refreshed. Today X and I explore, waiting for something we’re not quite sure of. We’re near Chinatown and based in a nice neighborhood. X is adjusting; culture shock. Honestly I feel grounded, worse come to worst van life is always a backup plan. This feels natural. although New York truly lacks places of nature and alone spaces, I feel like I can quickly adjust. God here I sit. I’m here now. Reveal to me my purpose; my calling. My arms are…
July 2, 2017
The past few days have left me in a state of confusion. I lay here questioning my sanity, my place, my purpose. Am I insane? And I not who I think I am? Who am I? What am I? Everyday I feel more and more alone. This is a loneliness I haven’t felt in a while. I wish to leave, but I don’t know where. There’s only one place I can afford to go. I won’t be back. I’m struggling to keep my faith. I know I’d be dead without it. it’s all I have left. But what do I…
July 4, 2017
We’re back in Ohio. The short trip to New York has left me heartbroken with an immense sense of loneliness. Did I do something wrong? My whole life I’ve been called to New York and what I thought was going to be a trip filled of connection, bliss, fun. I am disappointed. I ask if I’m meant to be alone. Am I a fraud are my instincts and intuition not to be trusted? What happens now? So many unanswered questions accumulate in my mind. Waiting for answers. I question alot. I can’t go home. And so here I am in…
July 5, 2017
Yesterday I realized that hanging out with X’s family may not be the best idea. I’m numb around them often finding myself hurt I don’t have what X has. His daughter is what gets me. It reminds me of what I used to have with my father. Heart wrenching. How lucky is he to have all that. My father, I’ve been thinking about him non-stop since New York and watching X with his daughter brings up so much as watching any daughter being loved on by her father. I want a child. To feel important, relevant. To fix this. Typical…
Text:
The heavens of womanhood. Revelations of my souls essence. Emerging ashes saturated in a deliciously delicate black hole of grit. You know, the usual. And you?
November 7, 2020
I rose. I watched him sleep He rose. I sang grand risings. He went to the bathroom. I sang so proud. He danced so proudly and stomped I cleaned. He made a mess We brushed our teeth He drank water. I toke a shower. He came along to keep me company. We talked I reminded myself that I didn’t own him and he remembered that he owned me… We talked the whole time
October 11, 2020
I played hand and hand with death Just for fun Because I loved it Milkyways and eggshells shadows glinted I gravitated I’ve been disassociating more this past week. Zoning out, going to different realities and freezing. Yesterday while driving I forgot where I was, where I was going, and what I was doing for like 10 seconds before I remembered. I was looking around frantically trying to grab hold of something I could remember. And while in the car with X he was handing me money and talking something I could care less about and I was elsewhere and I…
March 12, 2017
Remembering Sometimes I catch a scent; smell something, and I remember having roommates for the first time. My own room. I used to paint my naked vessel and rejoice in what I thought was adulthood. Silly naive me. Sometimes I hear a song. It takes me back. I feel my belly drop to my toes as my tear ducts instinctively fills up, releasing the sight of my being… In the psychiatric unit having a time. I’ve never felt so safe, so understood. I will never forget my time in X. All the beautiful lost souls I met and loved. I…
October 18, 2023
Trying to remember how to forgive and be grateful to those who have caused me harm. They are my greatest teachers, though I pray for more gentle lessons, which I ensure by trying my best to learn and trust my intuition the first time. I will always choose peace, love, and safe spaces. I get it when they say “hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. I’ve drank that poison. I’m drinking it now, and also healing and actively retraining my brain to stop. It’s an irritating process that requires accountability and moral. Sometimes my…
June 24, 2018
I miss being comfortable in my body. Every mourning I wake to discomfort and nausea that can last hours. I miss wine. I miss being able to eat and not eat whenever as I pleased. This baby is taking away my freedom. I am a slave to my baby. By choice with trust of course though.
September 21, 2020
So I’ve exploded, perhaps on something light as a feather. All the weight came down. X doesn’t think of the small things. He wants to be what I need but he just isn’t. He has alot to learn, or maybe he’s just used to treating me this way. Used to me allowing it. I know he has work to do because at one point he said he didn’t even know if we were together still. I wanna ask him why or how could he live and sleep not knowing if we were together. He says I’m intimidating. I don’t understand…
August 12, 2019
Today I decided to take time to myself; although I walked only down the street, it felt nice to leave X with X and I’m happy I toke this time. I feel like X reflects my insecurities and he’s taking me outgrowing him personally. It seems his anger stems from who I was before the baby, who he wants me to be. I’m positive I’m just out growing him. We aren’t on the same frequency anymore. Pregnancy and birth has straightened me out. X’s birth gave me life. I am aware that I have an energy I give off but…
August 12, 2015
I need a soul to look at. No stimulation stems from rocks. I enjoy my shadows. We dance together in dead streets. We like to hold hands and create tornadoes. In the hands of relation and this chaotic lifeless shapeless home.
October 15, 2018
I pray this is the last time I have to break my mothers heart… I can’t think of anything… What is the way? I’m trying to make a relationship work, everything in me tells me it’s wrong, but something is telling me not to give up. The most difficult part of healing is the era right before the climax when the voices begin to sound the same and you must learn discernment. It becomes a strain to hear the truth; to know right from wrong. This baby inside me is right, right? What am I going to do? Prepare for…
April 16, 2017
I broke. I can’t stop the tears. I haven’t said anything all day, and if I did, I wouldn’t have anyone to say it to. I spent it in silence and with X. I can’t remember the last time I’ve cried this much and long. I broke. I suppose it isn’t possible to ignore trauma, can’t dodge it either or decide you don’t suffer when you’re always alone. I don’t know what to do about this situation but I’m losing myself. Not trying to hold on. I haven’t recognized my thoughts and decisions. My ways for releasing energy is a…
January 21, 2024
I’m learning so much about my family since opening my home to my little sisters. It’s been hard but also a big opportunity to grow. Ive decided to recreate my role in my family. Moving away from being just the relatable safe big sister to accepting my role as the matriarch. I’m seeing first hand how these kids are being neglected by parents as well as the education system. The kids are not the problem. Society is failing these kids. Growing to be the bigger person to take on the role to guide instead of getting stuck in triggers and…
January 18, 2024
What ever happened to “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. To this day I honor this wisdom. Yes it’s okay to vent but overall social media is a prime example of the dangers of gossip and comparison. I’m reprogramming myself to not have so many opinions. I don’t need to judge everything, especially things that have nothing to do with me; which while living a more simple life I realized not much has to do with me and I’m quite irrelevant to the next passerby. Idk I’m really dedicated to not exerting my…
Wisdom on a feather
One day my hair will touch my toes and I’ll remember this day. I was called a diamond the same time you met me. I had wisdom on a feather written in my love to beloved.
Connections
Connections aren’t clear as Babylon glitches. We’re here then we aren’t. It puts me off. So I limbo and toe the ground. Put my cheek on it, feel the heat. It’s the earth. And she’ll make it up to me.
July 18, 2018
I am grateful to wake up. I am grateful for this watermelon. I am grateful for a toilet and clean water. I am miserable. I want space from everyone. I’m tired of this life. How can I start over, how can I erase all that is. I’m sick of my lover. I’m tired of shitty; empty, fake ass people betraying myself and second chances. Let me not attract anyone. Let me say forget the world, I don’t want to share it with anyone. I don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t want to get to know anyone. I don’t want…
July 1, 2022
Her sun rolled his bouncy ball into a stream on purpose. Mama goes after ball as her sun cries insistently for his bouncy ball’s return.In the midst of the haste Mama takes stroller down into stream with her.Mama and the stroller are in the stream.All of mama’s stuff gets soaked; her phone, keys, purse…everything.She grabs the ball and throws it up the little hill. Her sun grabs it and throws it back in. This happens twice before she’s had enough.Her sun thinks it’s a game and jumps in too.She attempts to salvage everything.Her sun now cries insistently because he notices his…
August 29, 2022
My shadow work consists of me experimenting with opposing extremes. I like to experiment with my actions and reactions; the devil on my shoulder and my intuition. To find the middle, the balance, my truth. I love to breakdown as I step out side of my comfortzones. I love to feel fear, and anxiety, and adrenaline rushes, and gratitude. I love to love and to get my feelings hurt and my heart broken. I love to set goals and accomplish them and I love to procrastinate and take my time. I love feeling beautiful and feeling ugly. I’m a pariah…
December 20, 2022
Reflecting often these days on what kind of frequency bald-headed me was on to have been playing with the entities she attracted, entertained, and kept around. However I am grateful she paid all that karmic debt, held it down gracefully, and survived. I wouldn’t be here; or the woman I am today, without her. I’m over here like big sis, clearing house. Hella protective over us. I feel her when I feel the anxious sensations throughout my body, I’m aware that those hesitations and sensations are her. And although personally I can’t relate I tend to her with tings like…
Prenatal shadows
When I found out I was pregnant I mourned, I raged, I died a little every day. At the sight of that 6th test I was flooded with feelings of disgust, disappointment, shame. As a alchemist of rape and sexual abuse, finding out I was pregnant was the biggest trigger. I felt violated, Oh how my body has betrayed me once again. How dare he get me pregnant? What am I going to do? Up until I found out I wasn’t with child, I was an avid day drinker and spliff indulger; I was at the time severely severed from…
January 15, 2023
I love deep feelings. Feelings that stops you in your tracks. Experiencing feelings with self awareness is even more enticing. I can do this dance and really put my foot in it. Really break a sweat. With the wisdoms of the future as a tether. Although the idea of becoming the crazy lady who wears mumus, cheetah print thongs, reads tea and palms and can tell when you’re lying but makes a game of playing along, is mad enticing.
June 27, 2021
I placed a glass of water on my alter and prayed. This weekend without a phone. Silence. Mindfulness. Sadness. I finished the book X borrowed me “Celestine Prophecy”. It left me open and searching. Right now I am numb, asexual, emotionally unavailable, confident, sure of myself and my experience. Validating this period. I feel as long as I can see my growth no matter how seemingly inconsequential. I have to temporarily cut off X and X for my sanity. It honestly just hurts to be disrespected from them both to the degree that they do. In retrospect life is great.
January 2, 2020
I prayed hard on my way to work.Feeling at home while talking to source.Connecting to source.One day at a time?One choice.One decision.Today at work I will eat my food and drink my tea.I’m going to dance and write.Open me up. Recreate. Revamp.I have some thinking to do with the woman I want to be. I am holding space for all I am in every moment. Maybe this year I’ll find my niche. I don’t want to get sexually and romantically distracted. At the same time I don’t want to shame myself for wanting to be intimate…I want to break free…
A moment
“Do I know you?” I wondered with mirth For in his gaze, a glimpse of kinship bright I saw reflections of my own souls worth
May 18, 2017
I watched the Nina Simone documentary yesterday and I have never felt more reflected. She is the most beautiful woman. Her rawness and vulnerable ways I admire. I feel myself. Pieces of myself I don’t recognize. I see that it’s okay to embrace the darkness. I’ve been living in a fantasy. Paired with the article I read about how unhealthy it can be to live a life in which one strives for positive thinking while ignoring and not accepting negative emotions. I need that rawness, but I’m scared I’ll go back to that dark sad space. So I bury that…
October 7, 2021
More trauma, more anger. You’d always ask if I was mad at you. Was it not what you wanted when we repeated “No”. You had to go and get yourself killed. Well now you have it. I am so f****** mad at you, and I hope you know it. I’m so angry at you, and I feel at the core I always have been. I’m pissed off at this soulless body. Explain the voices or rather the voice of you that haunts my mind attempting to console me after destroying me. I’m not enough, and nothing I ever do for…
September 3, 2016
I have the gift of my eyes for beauty and simple appreciation for nature. I feel connected just getting away from everything and being alone in it. I am always in disbelief over the most effortless things. The abundant ways the light hits a community of trees. The gentle sway of loyal leaves, the chirp songs of crickets paired with the watercolored sunrises. I get to find magic everywhere.
December 16, 2019
X grounds me. Like black tourmaline, my protector. My heart can’t take it. I can’t help to think that X is purposely trying to take my peace. Sabotage me. Maybe it’s intentional, maybe it’s not, but I’m going to explode. Trying to figure out how to leave this situation. Being grateful for the space, but also it’s unhealthy. I am uncomfortable, and it’s difficult to enforce my boundaries. I need space from him. Not that I have to explain myself. Why am I still here, I’m trying hard to not be. He does nothing, no passion, motive, drive. I’ve been…
May 17, 2017
Last night brought me back. X and I talked on the phone for hours, just talking about our future together, our love and meeting each other. I was reminded of my biggest blessing and how real this is. I mean in less than a month I will meet X. I am so grateful I get to experience life with him. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted. He pours so much unconditional love onto me. He validates my feelings, dreams, beliefs. I see us together and I know nothing else will matter because I have him. I know that we will get…
The Alchemy of Ache: Poetry as Portal, Memory as Ritual, Writing as Survival
I sometimes peel myself for funforgetting I am dripping I devour this holy pomegranatefor my last meal While the world makes loveto cope with fleshI vow to touch the earthwith the courtesy of life in mind Through every doorevery portalI walkfallburn and come backto myselfagainand again – Freegrandmaa — I’ve never been a tidy writer. I don’t write from outlines. I don’t plan.Because pain rarely makes sense while you’re inside it. Because memory doesn’t arrive in full sentences. Because healing isn’t clean. And neither is truth. My hands have always been frantic, scratching, scribbling, collaging, bleeding. Before I had language…
I Try To Unwrite It
Sometimes I reread the poems I wrote for past lovers and feel like… this was too good for them. I try to take it back Too tender. Too raw. Too sacred. Bitterness shows up first. Memory comes next. With it the soft ache of truth. I remember why I wrote it, the little universe we lived in for a while. And I remember. I remember it was theirs. Because a version of me meant it. Even if they didn’t deserve the whole poem forever. Some things are real just because they happened. And some people get lucky enough to be…
Sacred Beauty, Silent Battles
I was taught to be beautiful, no matter what I was going through. A sacred ritual passed down—lipstick, clean clothes, perfume. Even in despair, my outer world had to glow. I’ve mastered the art of seeming fine. High-functioning depression means I show up glowing—even when I’m collapsing on the inside.Because I was taught: no matter how you feel, look good so no one would know. People assume I’m okay because I look okay. Because I’m pretty. Because I dress well. Because I smile. Because I post. But that’s the mask. That’s the part I learned young:if you look put together,…
Bone comfort, adored lover
“The things we have in common, probably why we get along and also why we’re no good. The toxic pleasure in the mutual stroking of each other’s egos, shadows, soft spots. We are impermanent, so I can be in coexistence with you until we’re not. I look at you tenderly and will call you a lover for the rest of this life regardless of how, if, or when things end. I genuinely hope you’re able to connect with more compatible lovers. It’s one of the most pleasurable things, and good for da soul.” “I agree Miss mulberry. Beautiful word choice.”…
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