Tag: unrequited

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December 16, 2019

X grounds me. Like black tourmaline, my protector. My heart can’t take it.

I can’t help to think that X is purposely trying to take my peace. Sabotage me. Maybe it’s intentional, maybe it’s not, but I’m going to explode. Trying to figure out how to leave this situation. Being grateful for the space, but also it’s unhealthy. I am uncomfortable, and it’s difficult to enforce my boundaries. I need space from him. Not that I have to explain myself.

Why am I still here, I’m trying hard to not be. He does nothing, no passion, motive, drive. I’ve been sad, beating myself up for ending up here. I’m not happy nor comfortable. And I feel like it’s cause I’m not aligned. Something off.

Remember healing isn’t linear…

I think it’s crazy how my rape…

I know I haven’t healed…

X ain’t shit…

I will not fall in love with someone who doesn’t…

The masculine have alot of work to do.

They are so broken, twisted, toxic.

I also have to recognize that this is my perception, my experience, my reflection.

Only thing I can do is continue to work on myself. I wanna beat myself up for ignoring the signs.

I have all the answer within me.

I think I just need to cry.

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October 15, 2018

I pray this is the last time I have to break my mothers heart… I can’t think of anything… What is the way? I’m trying to make a relationship work, everything in me tells me it’s wrong, but something is telling me not to give up.

The most difficult part of healing is the era right before the climax when the voices begin to sound the same and you must learn discernment. It becomes a strain to hear the truth; to know right from wrong.

This baby inside me is right, right?

What am I going to do?

Prepare for either and decide later I suppose.

I really need to show up for myself now. I have to prove to myself that I can do it, that I will be a successful mother. That I can be me. Whoever that is.

I pray to find myself.

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Both

I agree

A prey in the belly of the beast
A wolf in sheep’s clothing
Nature vs. nurture
Both I guess
It all
she said

Wanting him to see
She was everything
The birds and the bees
Make believe
A bear and the cave
His giving when the giving got saved

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For granted

How are we in love in silence
You don’t know how to touch me unless I want to be touched

How are we in love if we’re warming up on our own
you only know how to grip me

How are we in love when you won’t say a word
like there’s nothing to talk about

You pick flowers as if I’m that type of girl
as if you don’t know me at all

How are we in love

How can you look at me

Burn

Be around me and not give your all

How can you love me while leaving me stranded heartful devoted

Refusing to rub those begging feet

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How to connect

Slow connections make me uneasy, but perhaps they are the healthiest. Perhaps these passionate beginnings are tactics used for benefit by leeches and vampires. They tend to like my blood the most. Perhaps slow connections should be preferred. To see, trust and remind myself of who I am. Like one step at a time. An unknown. I’m not so sure what I’m supposed to be learning or doing.