The river split all too soon
I was made of moon
So I spared the connection and tuned the loving beast
Who chips it’s nails to soften the beatings
Heavy
I want to be seen through and through
I want to have enough, never stop
There’s pauses in my membrane
I don’t recall the order of fate
How I wish it’d play out
How I pray to erase
Escaping is the back door
Unspoken
I beg my soul to be revoked and
The soul never wanted to carry me anyways
It names me a burden
Dead weight
Hips in heaps of heavy and a bit unsteady
Form
She sways and she fades
Condensing as we name her audacious
Sometimes I shout it too
With her I had no clue
.
My love comes in all forms
She’s cold and lukewarm
When she melts I melt with her
I have faith in her rigid lorn
.
Chant and sing these warnings
She is everything
She is nothing within
On the mountain where I placed her
She was my only friend
.
I was free to scrutinize her
She was decay and serpent
Offered me to experience life freely
She wouldn’t dare come with me
I’d repent to see her nearly
Tranquil night
She was in search of a sign
A whisper, all knowing
As she laid, nuzzled in piles of his pillows and her sheets
Flooded with fire and fragile words
Every language, she thought
For once she could move with the world
That she could return to speaking sparrows and true crows feet would emerge from her soil
That her nurture was enough
Stormy nights brings fragility for the house of her soul
And so she sleeps a tranquil night
Nature & nurture
Emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence is everything
I feel my ancestors in my core
When I sit up straight
When I dance
April showers May flowers
Hardening off
So often
During April rainstorms
On the healing land
With barely a scratch
Upon my open scalp
I should be rejoicing
But first I must mourn
I must moan
December 16, 2019
X grounds me. Like black tourmaline, my protector. My heart can’t take it.
I can’t help to think that X is purposely trying to take my peace. Sabotage me. Maybe it’s intentional, maybe it’s not, but I’m going to explode. Trying to figure out how to leave this situation. Being grateful for the space, but also it’s unhealthy. I am uncomfortable, and it’s difficult to enforce my boundaries. I need space from him. Not that I have to explain myself.
Why am I still here, I’m trying hard to not be. He does nothing, no passion, motive, drive. I’ve been sad, beating myself up for ending up here. I’m not happy nor comfortable. And I feel like it’s cause I’m not aligned. Something off.
Remember healing isn’t linear…
I think it’s crazy how my rape…
I know I haven’t healed…
X ain’t shit…
I will not fall in love with someone who doesn’t…
The masculine have alot of work to do.
They are so broken, twisted, toxic.
I also have to recognize that this is my perception, my experience, my reflection.
Only thing I can do is continue to work on myself. I wanna beat myself up for ignoring the signs.
I have all the answer within me.
I think I just need to cry.
October 7, 2021
More trauma, more anger. You’d always ask if I was mad at you. Was it not what you wanted when we repeated “No”. You had to go and get yourself killed. Well now you have it. I am so f****** mad at you, and I hope you know it. I’m so angry at you, and I feel at the core I always have been. I’m pissed off at this soulless body. Explain the voices or rather the voice of you that haunts my mind attempting to console me after destroying me. I’m not enough, and nothing I ever do for anybody will ever be.Â
How could you not stay here for me, for X. My sun adored you and you left him. That same day I texted you a picture of him and told you about how I see you in him. How could you abandon us in this way. We saw each other all summer, you pulled up to my house whenever you wanted. I gave you allcolades told you I was proud. You were doing better, wanted to be a father, a grandpa, and you did your best. So why didn’t you fight for us, why didn’t you protect yourself, why didn’t you open your eyes and count your blessings.
Right now I sit beside you and you are unresponsive and I swear you’re here because your vessels reflexes are acting up. The way you continue to see right on through all the love that surrounds you is nothing different than how you denied it our whole lives. Maybe we were truly your problem, maybe I. Never good enough.
Honestly f*** you. Though I still wish you peace, just know I won’t have it.
I’m sorry too. You said you’d be here, that if I needed anything… My whole life, you just keep breaking my heart
Submerge
To submerge yourself into solitude
Walking side by side dear reflection
I reflect and ponder every inch of my vessel
Who. Are. You.
Who is this skin, this blood, this thought.
That decision.
Freegrandmaa 