I often find myself
surrounded by
books and papers
lovers expansion
Empath
Text:
The heavens of womanhood.
Revelations of my souls essence.
Emerging ashes saturated in a deliciously delicate black hole of grit.
You know, the usual.
And you?
Options
Warzones
When you spend enough time alone you realize
Your fight
The fights you fight; every fight in the world
Starts within
(Home)
Is within
(Heart)
Personal sin
(Hands)
Where to begin
(Head)
June 20th, 2021
Summer solstice
Depressive episode to balance the happy. Wishing to crawl back under my polished rock; or to be less dramatic, meet new people. People who look like me. Compliment me… Observe then indulge. Today I feel hopeless with human connection. Even X & X are not on the flow I can truly connect to. I just desire to be around people that are into authenticity, growth, and building, creating and making the world a better place. Trailblazers. Shadow workers who aim their arrow at the target. Same old complaint…
…My dreams have been violent. I’ve been mauled, attacked, chased. I’ve had to kill and watch love ones suffer. And my mood… Familiar faces all over this dream realm. Be conscious, keep caution. Pause. Observe. Trust my intuition…
…But I want to honor my feelings, put integration first. Suppression is a heavy betrayal. I called X to ask for advice. I received comfort in honoring myself. So I’m going to not betray myself while navigating my relationships with the ghosts of my past. I am a shadow worker, not moving out of pain but instead integrity, awareness and self respect.
December 2, 2023
October 4, 2023
I feel a void here now more than ever.
Even though I’m a bit behind, Im quite rich. Going to plan to get back into donating. Hopefully I can find one closer to me.
I’ve surrendered though. Is ‘giving up’ synonymous? What if it’s my son and I forever. Honestly I think I’d be alright. What if I’m alone up here. My days have been good actually. Tomorrow he has a hearing appointment and we’ve been going to the library, he likes that.
I feel like the more I spend time with myself the further I float. Downloaded Instagram but only for about 15mins. I couldn’t stand it and despised the thoughts I was having. I quickly grew annoyed with the app and then annoyed with myself. The idea of social media is immature and consumerist based and it brings that out in me. I’ve been off all summer.
I’m just detached from summers heat and flings. Am I going somewhere. Do I even have a destination. I feel like my destination may simply be a feeling. Like once I feel safe I’d know I have made it. My body anyways. I wonder how long it takes for your nervous system to regulate. I feel most safe when I’m not partaking in the worldly world. I want to feel safe in the worldly world. I want to feel safe with someone.
How to connect
Slow connections make me uneasy, but perhaps they are the healthiest. Perhaps these passionate beginnings are tactics used for benefit by leeches and vampires. They tend to like my blood the most. Perhaps slow connections should be preferred. To see, trust and remind myself of who I am. Like one step at a time. An unknown. I’m not so sure what I’m supposed to be learning or doing.
Freegrandmaa 