I watched the Nina Simone documentary yesterday and I have never felt more reflected. She is the most beautiful woman. Her rawness and vulnerable ways I admire. I feel myself. Pieces of myself I don’t recognize. I see that it’s okay to embrace the darkness. I’ve been living in a fantasy. Paired with the article I read about how unhealthy it can be to live a life in which one strives for positive thinking while ignoring and not accepting negative emotions. I need that rawness, but I’m scared I’ll go back to that dark sad space. So I bury that emotion and pretend to be positive. I’m finding all these emotions blowing up in my face. I need to learn that it’s okay to be sad, mad, and even angry. And to feel it. Feel it all. I need to feel it. Maybe that’s my lesson, to be honest about the way I feel.
I feel I’ve lied to myself in a sense. Using phrases like “everything happens for a reason” and “wabi Sabi” and Buddhist philosophy to transform my thoughts. Although wise; in my case, I find myself on auto pilot on the other side of the spectrum, lying about how I truly feel, coping with addictions. I think I’m ready to embrace ALL of my feelings. Come out the dark side, Mama wants to play. I want to get to know my dark side.
Kali Yuga
January 2, 2020
I prayed hard on my way to work.
Feeling at home while talking to source.
Connecting to source.
One day at a time?
One choice.
One decision.
Today at work I will eat my food and drink my tea.
I’m going to dance and write.
Open me up. Recreate. Revamp.
I have some thinking to do with the woman I want to be. I am holding space for all I am in every moment. Maybe this year I’ll find my niche.
I don’t want to get sexually and romantically distracted. At the same time I don’t want to shame myself for wanting to be intimate…I want to break free from the belief that I am only desired physically. I want to also hold that men are attracted to the physical first. It’s survival. I’m mad sexually appealing, healthy, and warm to look at and so it makes sense if that’s what pulls one in. I have programming that has made me unsafe with the idea of men being attracted to my physical and being lusted after. Which is honestly unfair, unreasonable, and ridiculous. I can sense lust and genuine interest in a second.
Sacrifices
June 27, 2021
I placed a glass of water on my alter and prayed. This weekend without a phone. Silence. Mindfulness. Sadness. I finished the book X borrowed me “Celestine Prophecy”. It left me open and searching.
Right now I am numb, asexual, emotionally unavailable, confident, sure of myself and my experience. Validating this period. I feel as long as I can see my growth no matter how seemingly inconsequential. I have to temporarily cut off X and X for my sanity. It honestly just hurts to be disrespected from them both to the degree that they do. In retrospect life is great.
Hurt people hurt people
Godspeed as pain plagues the world
While stolen lovers lust for equality; for peace
Begging for rain
Claiming insanity
Shaming one from shining down
This time around the natural will abandon us
The truth will leave us
All removed
Stumbling riddlers will remain
January 15, 2023
I love deep feelings. Feelings that stops you in your tracks. Experiencing feelings with self awareness is even more enticing. I can do this dance and really put my foot in it. Really break a sweat. With the wisdoms of the future as a tether. Although the idea of becoming the crazy lady who wears mumus, cheetah print thongs, reads tea and palms and can tell when you’re lying but makes a game of playing along, is mad enticing.
Prenatal shadows
When I found out I was pregnant I mourned, I raged, I died a little every day. At the sight of that 6th test I was flooded with feelings of disgust, disappointment, shame. As a alchemist of rape and sexual abuse, finding out I was pregnant was the biggest trigger. I felt violated, Oh how my body has betrayed me once again. How dare he get me pregnant? What am I going to do?
Up until I found out I wasn’t with child, I was an avid day drinker and spliff indulger; I was at the time severely severed from reality, in a reckless daze, suppressed, psyching myself out.
At the sight of that 6th test I sobbed as I accepted that I had to immediately let go of my addictions; emotions primarily. For days I experienced panic attacks because I knew that with the choice to have this child came the knowing that I would soon have to face the darkest parts of my inners. Sober. I’ll be honest, I kept the pregnancy a secret from the father for a month. And in that month I barely spoke, I pushed everyone away, and shut everyone out. I spent that month envisioning my two paths. My life if I were to get an abortion, or trying to manifest an accident. I couldn’t make the choice to abort, so I waited.
I remeber pretending to cry at my first ultrasound because I felt obligated to feel something towards this new life. I had decided to go through with the pregnancy, but to not tell anyone but the father unless they asked. He was overjoyed, I felt used. I didn’t want a baby then, my mind wasn’t right, my blood probably saturated with liquor. But I wasn’t surprised, I was depressed. Having to quit cold turkey was literally the end of that hazy reality that I had been cycling in for years.
Being sober ripped me apart, terrified me. A big reason I figured why I experienced what I did. Being sober showed me who I really was. Honestly, I felt like I was crazy cause I found myself reaching out for an identity without the suppressants. All the while pregnant.
Anyways, I thought the feeling was going to pass once the hells of my first trimester froze over; I blamed the hormones and frustrations of having to secretly vomit up my breakfast for the second time on the bus ride to work, but instead it only worse. I feel blessed to have known about prenatal depression. Simply being able to identify the experience was a tether for my sanity. I’m not ashamed anymore to admit that I wholeheartedly feared that I wasn’t going to love my baby because I didnt feel anything at first. Withdrawing, under stress and overwhelmed the first 1.5 trimesters I often sat and genuninely fantasized about disappearing shortly after my sun was born asking myself if I could do it. I compromised telling myself the baby could replace me and he would be free of all that I was. I feared I would neglect him, as my past life flashed before me. I wanted to remain selfish. I was exposed. I hid my pregnancy for 6 months, ashamed, disgusted, cold at first.
It wasn’t until I was around 4 months that I saw that I was drowning. And I was going to take my baby down with me if I didnt get my shit together.
Since I accepted the responsibility to hold this life, I accepted the responsibility of this life as well as my own.
The day I decided that I would have to guide myself to grow my love for my unborn sun. Yes, I decided. Everyday; up until he was born, I made conscious decisions to intentional love him. Every day, at first I had to. By the time third trimester ended it was more natural. I made colorful mantras that I laminated and taped on my wall. I repeated them to myself and my sun outloud every rising, or when needed. Like I said I barely spoke throughout my pregnancy and so i had to encourage myself to spark up conversations with my lil alien. It was so awkward in the beginning; as I am mediocre at small talk. That’s exactly what it was for a while. A bunch of meaningless small talk. Like literally I talked to my sun about the weather during my breaks, rubbing my belly awakwardly, faking it until I made it. Towards my 3rd trimester I had conjured a distant love for the life. Still somewhat not convinced I was pregnant, still not convinced that he was “mine”. By then I was deep in a deep dance with my shadowself and my inner child.
When I merged with the universe, and danced out this light passionately I laughed to myself as the love I used to meditate on and slaved to feel. Came unconditionally, immediately, and natural, as I look at the universe in disbelief. How could I not, I forgive myself, I didn’t know all that you was, are and was going to be. I didn’t innerstand.
11
This light has been joyfully running around the spaces of my heart for only one year. One only, and he’s touch so many hearts, ran through so many empty spaces, filling them with his everlasting light. Always on E, an honor to share him. Teaching me, opening me up, my cuddle bug, my why to my why to my why. Ive love every moment spent watch you, being present, watching you learn. I am honored. And we still dance just as much. And as you smile at me every time you awake you confirm what I know. I wasn’t living without him.
In another word I didn’t make it this far.
I don’t know what happened to me really. I still mourn her every now and again; as up until recently the closest I got to an adrenaline rush was when my child ate his food. And although I still struggle with remembering my traumatic maidenhood in a lens of nostalgia. I wouldn’t trade waking up to this heaven on earth Akhil has guided me to curate. This year I finished shedding that skin.
July 18, 2018
I am grateful to wake up. I am grateful for this watermelon. I am grateful for a toilet and clean water.
I am miserable. I want space from everyone. I’m tired of this life. How can I start over, how can I erase all that is. I’m sick of my lover. I’m tired of shitty; empty, fake ass people betraying myself and second chances. Let me not attract anyone. Let me say forget the world, I don’t want to share it with anyone.
I don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t want to get to know anyone. I don’t want to make friends. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t want to.
Poor baby.
I’m sorry I’ve failed you.
I’m sorry I don’t really want you
not like I thought I did
most times not at all.
I have no one to talk to.
No one to hold me.
No one to understand or be here.
December 20, 2022
Reflecting often these days on what kind of frequency bald-headed me was on to have been playing with the entities she attracted, entertained, and kept around. However I am grateful she paid all that karmic debt, held it down gracefully, and survived.
I wouldn’t be here; or the woman I am today, without her. I’m over here like big sis, clearing house. Hella protective over us.
I feel her when I feel the anxious sensations throughout my body, I’m aware that those hesitations and sensations are her. And although personally I can’t relate I tend to her with tings like lemon balm, stretching, tea, family, silence….
I soothe her.
It’s okay lil mama, you’ll settle into trusting fully.
She’s peering over my shoulder; doe eyed and in a shy awe, when I flow in a way she’s never seen. When I move in a way she wouldn’t dare to. I must admit, we’re both on the edge of our seat as many cycles end and the worldly cycle concludes.
