Baby
I am being
Tired of fleeing
Seeing the colors of the sky, but not living
And no one can give it to me
And no one would put it in my hands
Yet I stand
January 2, 2020
I prayed hard on my way to work.
Feeling at home while talking to source.
Connecting to source.
One day at a time?
One choice.
One decision.
Today at work I will eat my food and drink my tea.
I’m going to dance and write.
Open me up. Recreate. Revamp.
I have some thinking to do with the woman I want to be. I am holding space for all I am in every moment. Maybe this year I’ll find my niche.
I don’t want to get sexually and romantically distracted. At the same time I don’t want to shame myself for wanting to be intimate…I want to break free from the belief that I am only desired physically. I want to also hold that men are attracted to the physical first. It’s survival. I’m mad sexually appealing, healthy, and warm to look at and so it makes sense if that’s what pulls one in. I have programming that has made me unsafe with the idea of men being attracted to my physical and being lusted after. Which is honestly unfair, unreasonable, and ridiculous. I can sense lust and genuine interest in a second.
Sacrifices
June 27, 2021
I placed a glass of water on my alter and prayed. This weekend without a phone. Silence. Mindfulness. Sadness. I finished the book X borrowed me “Celestine Prophecy”. It left me open and searching.
Right now I am numb, asexual, emotionally unavailable, confident, sure of myself and my experience. Validating this period. I feel as long as I can see my growth no matter how seemingly inconsequential. I have to temporarily cut off X and X for my sanity. It honestly just hurts to be disrespected from them both to the degree that they do. In retrospect life is great.
January 15, 2023
I love deep feelings. Feelings that stops you in your tracks. Experiencing feelings with self awareness is even more enticing. I can do this dance and really put my foot in it. Really break a sweat. With the wisdoms of the future as a tether. Although the idea of becoming the crazy lady who wears mumus, cheetah print thongs, reads tea and palms and can tell when you’re lying but makes a game of playing along, is mad enticing.
So soft
December 20, 2022
Reflecting often these days on what kind of frequency bald-headed me was on to have been playing with the entities she attracted, entertained, and kept around. However I am grateful she paid all that karmic debt, held it down gracefully, and survived.
I wouldn’t be here; or the woman I am today, without her. I’m over here like big sis, clearing house. Hella protective over us.
I feel her when I feel the anxious sensations throughout my body, I’m aware that those hesitations and sensations are her. And although personally I can’t relate I tend to her with tings like lemon balm, stretching, tea, family, silence….
I soothe her.
It’s okay lil mama, you’ll settle into trusting fully.
She’s peering over my shoulder; doe eyed and in a shy awe, when I flow in a way she’s never seen. When I move in a way she wouldn’t dare to. I must admit, we’re both on the edge of our seat as many cycles end and the worldly cycle concludes.
I am
I am me
seeing me
loving me
hurting me
healing me
birthing me over and over again
Rest
Connections
Connections aren’t clear as Babylon glitches. We’re here then we aren’t. It puts me off. So I limbo and toe the ground. Put my cheek on it, feel the heat.
It’s the earth. And she’ll make it up to me.
Freegrandmaa 