Tag: self discovery

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June 27, 2021

I placed a glass of water on my alter and prayed. This weekend without a phone. Silence. Mindfulness. Sadness. I finished the book X borrowed me “Celestine Prophecy”. It left me open and searching.

Right now I am numb, asexual, emotionally unavailable, confident, sure of myself and my experience. Validating this period. I feel as long as I can see my growth no matter how seemingly inconsequential. I have to temporarily cut off X and X for my sanity. It honestly just hurts to be disrespected from them both to the degree that they do. In retrospect life is great.

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January 15, 2023

I love deep feelings. Feelings that stops you in your tracks. Experiencing feelings with self awareness is even more enticing. I can do this dance and really put my foot in it. Really break a sweat. With the wisdoms of the future as a tether. Although the idea of becoming the crazy lady who wears mumus, cheetah print thongs, reads tea and palms and can tell when you’re lying but makes a game of playing along, is mad enticing.

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December 20, 2022

Reflecting often these days on what kind of frequency bald-headed me was on to have been playing with the entities she attracted, entertained, and kept around. However I am grateful she paid all that karmic debt, held it down gracefully, and survived.

I wouldn’t be here; or the woman I am today, without her. I’m over here like big sis, clearing house. Hella protective over us.

I feel her when I feel the anxious sensations throughout my body, I’m aware that those hesitations and sensations are her. And although personally I can’t relate I tend to her with tings like lemon balm, stretching, tea, family, silence….
I soothe her.

It’s okay lil mama, you’ll settle into trusting fully.

She’s peering over my shoulder; doe eyed and in a shy awe, when I flow in a way she’s never seen. When I move in a way she wouldn’t dare to. I must admit, we’re both on the edge of our seat as many cycles end and the worldly cycle concludes.

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Connections

Connections aren’t clear as Babylon glitches. We’re here then we aren’t. It puts me off. So I limbo and toe the ground. Put my cheek on it, feel the heat.

It’s the earth. And she’ll make it up to me.

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January 18, 2024

What ever happened to “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”.

To this day I honor this wisdom. Yes it’s okay to vent but overall social media is a prime example of the dangers of gossip and comparison. I’m reprogramming myself to not have so many opinions. I don’t need to judge everything, especially things that have nothing to do with me; which while living a more simple life I realized not much has to do with me and I’m quite irrelevant to the next passerby. Idk I’m really dedicated to not exerting my energy when I don’t need to which I’m finding out is more often than not. Weening myself off of the “tea time” dramas I’m currently attached to, I must admit Im not perfect and like a little drama here and there. But I’ll just keep it to myself.

Why are we attracted to drama? What is so appealing about it?

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January 21, 2024

I’m learning so much about my family since opening my home to my little sisters. It’s been hard but also a big opportunity to grow. Ive decided to recreate my role in my family. Moving away from being just the relatable safe big sister to accepting my role as the matriarch. I’m seeing first hand how these kids are being neglected by parents as well as the education system.

The kids are not the problem. Society is failing these kids.

Growing to be the bigger person to take on the role to guide instead of getting stuck in triggers and ego and allowing us all the remain stagnant. I’m realizing my siblings have no real home training and lack basic respect. I work hard to not blame them for what they haven’t been taught. I find joy at the same time in providing a safe space for them. Goodness though it’s hard being to others what you’ve never received but alas, the fate of the healer I suppose.