∆ Neural Alchemist | Self-mythologist ∆
I want to be seen through and through
I want to have enough, never stop
There’s pauses in my membrane
I don’t recall the order of fate
How I wish it’d play out
How I pray to erase
Escaping is the back door
Unspoken
I beg my soul to be revoked and
The soul never wanted to carry me anyways
It names me a burden
Dead weight
Hips in heaps of heavy and a bit unsteady
His palm was my soil
I was his butterfly, on my admirer’s hand
I just cherished how he handled me
His words, lack of
Every per centum
All the negative space
He was the seed that planted me
Around you I tread gently
I treat you with kid gloves
I rock you to sleep
Thinking little nothings
Riding the wave
I try to behave
My heart is your slave
She prefers it that way
There’s an unspoken rule here
As we tangle and toss my dear
I won’t speak if you don’t
You have my word
“The things we have in common, probably why we get along and also why we’re no good. The toxic pleasure in the mutual stroking of each other’s egos, shadows, soft spots. We are impermanent, so I can be in coexistence with you until we’re not. I look at you tenderly and will call you a lover for the rest of this life regardless of how, if, or when things end. I genuinely hope you’re able to connect with more compatible lovers. It’s one of the most pleasurable things, and good for da soul.”
“I agree Miss mulberry. Beautiful word choice.”
I wouldn’t call all the people I’ve had sex with a lover. The fate of my lovers and I tend to be bittersweet. I know it all too well. It’s comfortable having the dynamic we have. Like all, I see a piece of myself in X and a piece of him in me. He resurrected a part of me I thought was dead. He got me dancing again..
“He heats up and I lie down with him. Licking skin, fixing our faces.. He is pressure, I volcanic rock and I soon glaze over.”
I know I can’t carry X to the other side when/if the time comes. I’m pretty sure I want to grow, to learn how to relationship, to try wholeheartedly choosing someone and commiting at least once. To face my fears, and cast away my trust issues. It sounds nice, the vision is clear, the work however not for the weak. And relationships are my greatest weakness. Now I’m not weak, I’m just not sure if I can actually do it, if all of me wants to, if I’ll get the chance, if I have the tools..
Because if I’m honest; more often than not, I don’t want him; or anyone else, to be mine. A part of me doesn’t want to be wanted or possessed in that way either. It’s a vulnerability I’m uncomfortable with. It’s a sacrifice I have mixed feelings and thoughts about..I love my solitude and being my safe space. I like him and having him around, and the feeling is mutual, and that’s alright. being lovers is simple, freeing, safe..
“Play with me. Stay with me. Relax here..”
I think I knew this all along, and I know the longer we remain the more bitter than sweet the end will be for me. It was supposed to be a smooth ending, but I threw my hands up and gave X what he wants, what a part of me wants. We’re fairly open and solid with communication so nothing is a surprise. I know him and I know him well. I know our dance like the back of my hand. I am willing and leaning in. I can be here, now. And if we stay fucked up and never heal the parts we share, we probably will wind up dancing much longer than I intended…
I just don’t want another cold goodbye, or to tire. I wanna be warm still, tender still when it ends. I had a chance at a soft clean slate, but he is a charming woodpecker and I’ve never had a lover quite like this so I’ll indulge until I don’t anymore. He’s familiar and also unknown, and well I’m pulled…
“You help me see and understand nothing.. There is no right or wrong with you.”
..All of my lovers have a special place in my heart though..
“Love is supposed to be free not lethal.”
..I wanna be a better lover..
..I’m grateful and I’ll abstractly draw him and write passionate poems when the heartache comes and in the meantime..
“My love comes in all forms.”
He poured some passion
Plucked me as fruit
I was healthy; a milky way
His sweet comfort
His wild girl
A bud turned bloom in his hands
I’ve watched you evaporate
Then turn solid
You saw me
Underbelly full, in a dress
On the edge and between the lines
She sways and she fades
Condensing as we name her audacious
Sometimes I shout it too
With her I had no clue
.
My love comes in all forms
She’s cold and lukewarm
When she melts I melt with her
I have faith in her rigid lorn
.
Chant and sing these warnings
She is everything
She is nothing within
On the mountain where I placed her
She was my only friend
.
I was free to scrutinize her
She was decay and serpent
Offered me to experience life freely
She wouldn’t dare come with me
I’d repent to see her nearly
You toke me tightly (lightly)
I imprinted
We smiled
The window is broken but you open it still
Creating mass and spaces to sit on
To worry about; challenge freedom in
You help me speak and understand nothing
There is no right or wrong with you
She was in search of a sign
A whisper, all knowing
As she laid, nuzzled in piles of his pillows and her sheets
Flooded with fire and fragile words
Every language, she thought
For once she could move with the world
That she could return to speaking sparrows and true crows feet would emerge from her soil
That her nurture was enough
Stormy nights brings fragility for the house of her soul
And so she sleeps a tranquil night
Freegrandmaa 