I placed a glass of water on my alter and prayed. This weekend without a phone. Silence. Mindfulness. Sadness. I finished the book X borrowed me “Celestine Prophecy”. It left me open and searching.
Right now I am numb, asexual, emotionally unavailable, confident, sure of myself and my experience. Validating this period. I feel as long as I can see my growth no matter how seemingly inconsequential. I have to temporarily cut off X and X for my sanity. It honestly just hurts to be disrespected from them both to the degree that they do. In retrospect life is great.
Ours
All passing
Is ours
Forever
From hand to hand
We pass the cup of eternal life
And you’ll know it well then
You’ll know then, it’ll live forever
Lay down a piece of heart
Of truth
Never dying in the game of death and rebirth
January 15, 2023
I love deep feelings. Feelings that stops you in your tracks. Experiencing feelings with self awareness is even more enticing. I can do this dance and really put my foot in it. Really break a sweat. With the wisdoms of the future as a tether. Although the idea of becoming the crazy lady who wears mumus, cheetah print thongs, reads tea and palms and can tell when you’re lying but makes a game of playing along, is mad enticing.
Rest
January 21, 2024
I’m learning so much about my family since opening my home to my little sisters. It’s been hard but also a big opportunity to grow. Ive decided to recreate my role in my family. Moving away from being just the relatable safe big sister to accepting my role as the matriarch. I’m seeing first hand how these kids are being neglected by parents as well as the education system.
The kids are not the problem. Society is failing these kids.
Growing to be the bigger person to take on the role to guide instead of getting stuck in triggers and ego and allowing us all the remain stagnant. I’m realizing my siblings have no real home training and lack basic respect. I work hard to not blame them for what they haven’t been taught. I find joy at the same time in providing a safe space for them. Goodness though it’s hard being to others what you’ve never received but alas, the fate of the healer I suppose.
Redefining
I’m a feathery thing
Unmotivated to motivated hues of humanity
My goal is sanity, real sanity
Blasphemous sanity
Pregnant and maybies now dont forget me
You remember my tosses and turns how I always never learned
Where you count your blessings and let things go
Baby don’t forget me
I’ll always know
October 18, 2023
Trying to remember how to forgive and be grateful to those who have caused me harm. They are my greatest teachers, though I pray for more gentle lessons, which I ensure by trying my best to learn and trust my intuition the first time. I will always choose peace, love, and safe spaces. I get it when they say “hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. I’ve drank that poison. I’m drinking it now, and also healing and actively retraining my brain to stop. It’s an irritating process that requires accountability and moral. Sometimes my ego tries to convince me to match energy. Don’t get me wrong I feel my real feelings and express. but when you know better, you do better, can’t sit in it for too long or it’ll consume you. I used to not mind being consumed, but it gets old when life goes on and you realize suffering is inevitable. Part of life, nature, balance. I vow to not be one of those hurt people that hurts people. Compassion is something one must continue to cultivate. It is a wisdom that contributes to a more positive community…. And now I remember.
“Be the change you wish to see in the world”- Ghandi
Spoiled
One day
One day see the fruits of my labor
Miracle after miracle
How lightly I’ll float by
I’m sure I wouldn’t even recognize
How slow my mind processes
I’ve been keeping my eyes to myself
Can’t see me
Refuse to see
One day I’ll be a shooting star and won’t be able to help but notice.
I won’t even be able to stop; catch a glance or nothing
The collisions will simply be an after thought as I’m smoking a winter spliff
Crust
Freegrandmaa 