I placed a glass of water on my alter and prayed. This weekend without a phone. Silence. Mindfulness. Sadness. I finished the book X borrowed me “Celestine Prophecy”. It left me open and searching.
Right now I am numb, asexual, emotionally unavailable, confident, sure of myself and my experience. Validating this period. I feel as long as I can see my growth no matter how seemingly inconsequential. I have to temporarily cut off X and X for my sanity. It honestly just hurts to be disrespected from them both to the degree that they do. In retrospect life is great.
January 21, 2024
I’m learning so much about my family since opening my home to my little sisters. It’s been hard but also a big opportunity to grow. Ive decided to recreate my role in my family. Moving away from being just the relatable safe big sister to accepting my role as the matriarch. I’m seeing first hand how these kids are being neglected by parents as well as the education system.
The kids are not the problem. Society is failing these kids.
Growing to be the bigger person to take on the role to guide instead of getting stuck in triggers and ego and allowing us all the remain stagnant. I’m realizing my siblings have no real home training and lack basic respect. I work hard to not blame them for what they haven’t been taught. I find joy at the same time in providing a safe space for them. Goodness though it’s hard being to others what you’ve never received but alas, the fate of the healer I suppose.
October 18, 2023
Trying to remember how to forgive and be grateful to those who have caused me harm. They are my greatest teachers, though I pray for more gentle lessons, which I ensure by trying my best to learn and trust my intuition the first time. I will always choose peace, love, and safe spaces. I get it when they say “hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. I’ve drank that poison. I’m drinking it now, and also healing and actively retraining my brain to stop. It’s an irritating process that requires accountability and moral. Sometimes my ego tries to convince me to match energy. Don’t get me wrong I feel my real feelings and express. but when you know better, you do better, can’t sit in it for too long or it’ll consume you. I used to not mind being consumed, but it gets old when life goes on and you realize suffering is inevitable. Part of life, nature, balance. I vow to not be one of those hurt people that hurts people. Compassion is something one must continue to cultivate. It is a wisdom that contributes to a more positive community…. And now I remember.
“Be the change you wish to see in the world”- Ghandi
The fool
March 12, 2017
Remembering
Sometimes I catch a scent; smell something, and I remember having roommates for the first time. My own room. I used to paint my naked vessel and rejoice in what I thought was adulthood. Silly naive me.
Sometimes I hear a song. It takes me back. I feel my belly drop to my toes as my tear ducts instinctively fills up, releasing the sight of my being… In the psychiatric unit having a time. I’ve never felt so safe, so understood. I will never forget my time in X.
All the beautiful lost souls I met and loved. I pray they too found themselves again. My baby, I was so young. I used to feel so sad. I am free from all of that. Hurt, pain. I am sending love to my inner child always.
Crust
October 11, 2020
I played hand and hand with death
Just for fun
Because I loved it
Milkyways and eggshells shadows glinted
I gravitated
I’ve been disassociating more this past week. Zoning out, going to different realities and freezing. Yesterday while driving I forgot where I was, where I was going, and what I was doing for like 10 seconds before I remembered. I was looking around frantically trying to grab hold of something I could remember. And while in the car with X he was handing me money and talking something I could care less about and I was elsewhere and I heard him but was unable to understand him. I’m neutral about it. Just observing. Curious to see what’s the root to my aloofness…
Today was a weird day and when I got X… and looked him in the eye. I felt grounded with his being, his golden beam. I locked eyes for as long as I could. And I felt home.
July 5, 2017
Yesterday I realized that hanging out with X’s family may not be the best idea. I’m numb around them often finding myself hurt I don’t have what X has. His daughter is what gets me. It reminds me of what I used to have with my father. Heart wrenching. How lucky is he to have all that. My father, I’ve been thinking about him non-stop since New York and watching X with his daughter brings up so much as watching any daughter being loved on by her father. I want a child. To feel important, relevant. To fix this. Typical right. I find myself unable to enjoy the presence of others. Wanting to spend all my days in my van like I used to.
X brings everything to surface. He can’t be pushed or deterred. He’s given me a love I’ve never experienced. I don’t think anyone understands what Im saying and how I think like he does. He can be very detrimental to my well being. He can bring me to the highest of highs, but also if I let him in and it doesn’t work out, he could be the death of me. A painfully beautiful death probably. I never would imagine. Love is hard to trust. I pray he’s not another….
I pray I get out beforehand if he does. I pray for strength an open heart. I pray for healing.
July 4, 2017
We’re back in Ohio. The short trip to New York has left me heartbroken with an immense sense of loneliness. Did I do something wrong? My whole life I’ve been called to New York and what I thought was going to be a trip filled of connection, bliss, fun. I am disappointed. I ask if I’m meant to be alone. Am I a fraud are my instincts and intuition not to be trusted? What happens now? So many unanswered questions accumulate in my mind. Waiting for answers. I question alot. I can’t go home. And so here I am in my van in front of X’s house waiting for a sign. I want to dig my feet into the soils and refuse to move until I hear what I need to hear. I need reassurance. Anything.
My sanity is under question as I start to see more and more of my father in myself. The thought alone puts fear in my heart. I tell myself things are different. Am I lying to myself. Am I being honest with myself. Am I being selfish for being distant. How to relationship. I have no healthy coping skills. God doesn’t care to give me one. Loneliness will be the death of me in this world. New York has completely mind fucked me. My spirit is broken. How will I heal from this. What did I do wrong? Please tell me. If I answer myself I will only fall deeper at the hand of my response.
I need to get outta my head. I stay in my head. I need to get outta my head.
July 2, 2017
The past few days have left me in a state of confusion. I lay here questioning my sanity, my place, my purpose. Am I insane? And I not who I think I am? Who am I? What am I?
Everyday I feel more and more alone. This is a loneliness I haven’t felt in a while. I wish to leave, but I don’t know where. There’s only one place I can afford to go. I won’t be back. I’m struggling to keep my faith. I know I’d be dead without it. it’s all I have left. But what do I even have faith in? A new world? A spiritual evolution? Love? Myself? What is holding me back? Why New York? I wonder what would happen if I just ran. Ran to be by myself, away from society, away from people, away from this world. I’m alien, and not like the ones I see on the streets who’ve adapted themselves to this lifestyle of illusion. New York I hate you and you’ve brought me down to the dumps. You’ve kicked me while I was down. A reflection I don’t like. A spit in my face.
Two middle fingers up. I don’t know why people live in dense spaces like this. Trash everywhere, modern day slaves with solid fashion senses and smart phones. Gluttonous consumerist. drunks all over in the streets. I’m definitely bitter from my inaccurate expectations. Spirit I beg you to lead me, or let me go. I need some sort of validation to carry on.
Freegrandmaa 