When you spend enough time alone you realize
Your fight
The fights you fight; every fight in the world
Starts within
(Home)
Is within
(Heart)
Personal sin
(Hands)
Where to begin
(Head)
A prayer
Blue bird
Blue bird leaving trails on flights of hail
I see you
Eyes exuding scents of a longing lover
I stare and wish you’d be seen
Death rises to be plucked picked and shipped
You shift in humbled pride
Oh blue bird
Wings engulfing raw doing and curves
Each day stern legs stretched out in knowing they’d touch the ground
In distance quickly
Everything glows
New nerves stand firm
For your blue hairs
Blue feathers of an innocent love
Pure sacred, honorable and divine
Blue bird I’ll always hold you closest to mind
Gazelle
Could I be a gazelle
Admiring the wind
Learning from her
Becoming the wind
Smelling the storm
Seeing the atoms of mist
As all gazelles do
Waiting
Waiting
Bury me
Bury me beneath the many corners of my past life
I see the door and I’ll knock forever cause thats all I do
Bury me like lost lovers scorching the world.
I’ll be within it and you’ll never need to ask twice
As you bury me
I am no longer alive
I cannot see or breathe
But I am here
I don’t like to yell
I don’t like to yell
But I love to break the silence
To penetrate
It’s the first breath
The tip of birth
And you can’t find that kind of moment in movement and stimulation
Go silent for a moment
Svāhā!
Climax
Hands full of prana
Roar through your pores in the safest place
Feel the goodness and the horror
Accept it and become more than vessel
I don’t need to yell through pressure when I’m molded because of it
I like to whisper and pray in my head by my lonesome next to a river under a bridge or something
I don’t want anyone to hear me either, not now it’s too late now
And jokester is my middle name
I got it from my father and they got yelling from our mother
But I
I don’t like to yell
October 4, 2023
I feel a void here now more than ever.
Even though I’m a bit behind, Im quite rich. Going to plan to get back into donating. Hopefully I can find one closer to me.
I’ve surrendered though. Is ‘giving up’ synonymous? What if it’s my son and I forever. Honestly I think I’d be alright. What if I’m alone up here. My days have been good actually. Tomorrow he has a hearing appointment and we’ve been going to the library, he likes that.
I feel like the more I spend time with myself the further I float. Downloaded Instagram but only for about 15mins. I couldn’t stand it and despised the thoughts I was having. I quickly grew annoyed with the app and then annoyed with myself. The idea of social media is immature and consumerist based and it brings that out in me. I’ve been off all summer.
I’m just detached from summers heat and flings. Am I going somewhere. Do I even have a destination. I feel like my destination may simply be a feeling. Like once I feel safe I’d know I have made it. My body anyways. I wonder how long it takes for your nervous system to regulate. I feel most safe when I’m not partaking in the worldly world. I want to feel safe in the worldly world. I want to feel safe with someone.
April 16, 2017
I broke.
I can’t stop the tears. I haven’t said anything all day, and if I did, I wouldn’t have anyone to say it to.
I spent it in silence and with X. I can’t remember the last time I’ve cried this much and long.
I broke.
I suppose it isn’t possible to ignore trauma, can’t dodge it either or decide you don’t suffer when you’re always alone. I don’t know what to do about this situation but I’m losing myself. Not trying to hold on. I haven’t recognized my thoughts and decisions. My ways for releasing energy is a problem, but that’s okay…
That’s why this whole journey has been so “difficult” for you. You think you’re just over it.
How to connect
Slow connections make me uneasy, but perhaps they are the healthiest. Perhaps these passionate beginnings are tactics used for benefit by leeches and vampires. They tend to like my blood the most. Perhaps slow connections should be preferred. To see, trust and remind myself of who I am. Like one step at a time. An unknown. I’m not so sure what I’m supposed to be learning or doing.
Freegrandmaa 