Tag: life

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July 2, 2017

The past few days have left me in a state of confusion. I lay here questioning my sanity, my place, my purpose. Am I insane? And I not who I think I am? Who am I? What am I?

Everyday I feel more and more alone. This is a loneliness I haven’t felt in a while. I wish to leave, but I don’t know where. There’s only one place I can afford to go. I won’t be back. I’m struggling to keep my faith. I know I’d be dead without it. it’s all I have left. But what do I even have faith in? A new world? A spiritual evolution? Love? Myself? What is holding me back? Why New York? I wonder what would happen if I just ran. Ran to be by myself, away from society, away from people, away from this world. I’m alien, and not like the ones I see on the streets who’ve adapted themselves to this lifestyle of illusion. New York I hate you and you’ve brought me down to the dumps. You’ve kicked me while I was down. A reflection I don’t like. A spit in my face.

Two middle fingers up. I don’t know why people live in dense spaces like this. Trash everywhere, modern day slaves with solid fashion senses and smart phones. Gluttonous consumerist. drunks all over in the streets. I’m definitely bitter from my inaccurate expectations. Spirit I beg you to lead me, or let me go. I need some sort of validation to carry on.

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June 29, 2017

I woke up at 6am for the first time in weeks on my own and I gotta say I’m refreshed. Today X and I explore, waiting for something we’re not quite sure of. We’re near Chinatown and based in a nice neighborhood. X is adjusting; culture shock. Honestly I feel grounded, worse come to worst van life is always a backup plan. This feels natural. although New York truly lacks places of nature and alone spaces, I feel like I can quickly adjust.

God here I sit. I’m here now. Reveal to me my purpose; my calling. My arms are out stretched, I’m ready for what lies ahead. Also give X comfort in this big city. I know he’s overwhelmed and I ask that you release the pressure he’s feeling and allow him to loosen up, accept flow. I have faith in our purpose I wonder if he does still and if it’ll work if he doesn’t. I believe this is the first of many adjustments that’ll pull us out of our comfort zones.

Hurry up and find us, so X can breathe. New York be good to us.

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Warzones

When you spend enough time alone you realize

Your fight

The fights you fight; every fight in the world

Starts within

(Home)

Is within

(Heart)

Personal sin

(Hands)

Where to begin

(Head)

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June 20th, 2021

Summer solstice

Depressive episode to balance the happy. Wishing to crawl back under my polished rock; or to be less dramatic, meet new people. People who look like me. Compliment me… Observe then indulge. Today I feel hopeless with human connection. Even X & X are not on the flow I can truly connect to. I just desire to be around people that are into authenticity, growth, and building, creating and making the world a better place. Trailblazers. Shadow workers who aim their arrow at the target. Same old complaint…

…My dreams have been violent. I’ve been mauled, attacked, chased. I’ve had to kill and watch love ones suffer. And my mood… Familiar faces all over this dream realm. Be conscious, keep caution. Pause. Observe. Trust my intuition…

…But I want to honor my feelings, put integration first. Suppression is a heavy betrayal. I called X to ask for advice. I received comfort in honoring myself. So I’m going to not betray myself while navigating my relationships with the ghosts of my past. I am a shadow worker, not moving out of pain but instead integrity, awareness and self respect.

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August 21, 2017

On the bright side I spent the afternoon with X; which was a savory escape into honest comfort , lifted my spirits and made me orgasm to the rattlings of freight trains rollin by, simply by …. It was wonderful, I felt it in my entire being, every blood cell, every inch of flesh and bone electrocuted and I felt it. It was blissful hanging in my van, caressing ,cuddling, and fondling. Great escape, the synchronicity is unreal.

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Nervous system

your mind is your weapon
do you have it
know how to use it
gather like minds
heal together
talk it through
cry
hold
find yourself
each other
commit and rebuild
brothers and sisters
descendants of the greatest warriors

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Suit yourself

If you’d prefer to sit there as I devour this holy pomegranate for my last meal

Then I wouldn’t bat an eyelash during grace

While the world is lovemaking to cope with flesh

I vow to touch the earth with the courtesy of life in mind

As you reflect the desert
Sandy and grit

The in-between
The more of the lesser

You’d be fine off asking yourself

Have you forgotten
And what are you willing to do to remember

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Bury me

Bury me beneath the many corners of my past life

I see the door and I’ll knock forever cause thats all I do

Bury me like lost lovers scorching the world.

I’ll be within it and you’ll never need to ask twice

As you bury me

I am no longer alive

I cannot see or breathe

But I am here