Tag: life

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Warmer hearts

This holy life
The snowdrops has risen
Birth and creator
It’s aliveness in the winter
In the snowfall
Warmer hearts

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Karma

(I) receive one blessing
(I) give to one-thousand
(I) give to one
(I) recieve one-thousand blessings

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June 27, 2021

I placed a glass of water on my alter and prayed. This weekend without a phone. Silence. Mindfulness. Sadness. I finished the book X borrowed me “Celestine Prophecy”. It left me open and searching.

Right now I am numb, asexual, emotionally unavailable, confident, sure of myself and my experience. Validating this period. I feel as long as I can see my growth no matter how seemingly inconsequential. I have to temporarily cut off X and X for my sanity. It honestly just hurts to be disrespected from them both to the degree that they do. In retrospect life is great.

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Ours

All passing

Is ours

Forever

From hand to hand

We pass the cup of eternal life

And you’ll know it well then

You’ll know then, it’ll live forever

Lay down a piece of heart

Of truth

Never dying in the game of death and rebirth

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January 15, 2023

I love deep feelings. Feelings that stops you in your tracks. Experiencing feelings with self awareness is even more enticing. I can do this dance and really put my foot in it. Really break a sweat. With the wisdoms of the future as a tether. Although the idea of becoming the crazy lady who wears mumus, cheetah print thongs, reads tea and palms and can tell when you’re lying but makes a game of playing along, is mad enticing.

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July 18, 2018

I am grateful to wake up. I am grateful for this watermelon. I am grateful for a toilet and clean water.

I am miserable. I want space from everyone. I’m tired of this life. How can I start over, how can I erase all that is. I’m sick of my lover. I’m tired of shitty; empty, fake ass people betraying myself and second chances. Let me not attract anyone. Let me say forget the world, I don’t want to share it with anyone.

I don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t want to get to know anyone. I don’t want to make friends. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t want to.

Poor baby.

I’m sorry I’ve failed you.

I’m sorry I don’t really want you

not like I thought I did

most times not at all.

I have no one to talk to.

No one to hold me.

No one to understand or be here.

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October 15, 2018

I pray this is the last time I have to break my mothers heart… I can’t think of anything… What is the way? I’m trying to make a relationship work, everything in me tells me it’s wrong, but something is telling me not to give up.

The most difficult part of healing is the era right before the climax when the voices begin to sound the same and you must learn discernment. It becomes a strain to hear the truth; to know right from wrong.

This baby inside me is right, right?

What am I going to do?

Prepare for either and decide later I suppose.

I really need to show up for myself now. I have to prove to myself that I can do it, that I will be a successful mother. That I can be me. Whoever that is.

I pray to find myself.