What news!
The arrival
And the departure
Both equal in value and pleasure
To the adventurous wondering soul
Void of faith
You toke hold of each finger
Making promises
Saying prayers
Void of faith
Refocused
September 3, 2016
I have the gift of my eyes for beauty and simple appreciation for nature. I feel connected just getting away from everything and being alone in it. I am always in disbelief over the most effortless things. The abundant ways the light hits a community of trees. The gentle sway of loyal leaves, the chirp songs of crickets paired with the watercolored sunrises. I get to find magic everywhere.
April showers May flowers
Hardening off
So often
During April rainstorms
On the healing land
With barely a scratch
Upon my open scalp
I should be rejoicing
But first I must mourn
I must moan
December 16, 2019
X grounds me. Like black tourmaline, my protector. My heart can’t take it.
I can’t help to think that X is purposely trying to take my peace. Sabotage me. Maybe it’s intentional, maybe it’s not, but I’m going to explode. Trying to figure out how to leave this situation. Being grateful for the space, but also it’s unhealthy. I am uncomfortable, and it’s difficult to enforce my boundaries. I need space from him. Not that I have to explain myself.
Why am I still here, I’m trying hard to not be. He does nothing, no passion, motive, drive. I’ve been sad, beating myself up for ending up here. I’m not happy nor comfortable. And I feel like it’s cause I’m not aligned. Something off.
Remember healing isn’t linear…
I think it’s crazy how my rape…
I know I haven’t healed…
X ain’t shit…
I will not fall in love with someone who doesn’t…
The masculine have alot of work to do.
They are so broken, twisted, toxic.
I also have to recognize that this is my perception, my experience, my reflection.
Only thing I can do is continue to work on myself. I wanna beat myself up for ignoring the signs.
I have all the answer within me.
I think I just need to cry.
May 17, 2017
Last night brought me back. X and I talked on the phone for hours, just talking about our future together, our love and meeting each other. I was reminded of my biggest blessing and how real this is. I mean in less than a month I will meet X. I am so grateful I get to experience life with him. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted. He pours so much unconditional love onto me. He validates my feelings, dreams, beliefs. I see us together and I know nothing else will matter because I have him. I know that we will get through everything and anything together. He remind me of my worth even if I don’t believe it. The love we have will touch lives. Yesterday I went back and reread our first messages and think about how it all started and how I was confused when I saw that days had passed by and he was still interested…
October 7, 2021
More trauma, more anger. You’d always ask if I was mad at you. Was it not what you wanted when we repeated “No”. You had to go and get yourself killed. Well now you have it. I am so f****** mad at you, and I hope you know it. I’m so angry at you, and I feel at the core I always have been. I’m pissed off at this soulless body. Explain the voices or rather the voice of you that haunts my mind attempting to console me after destroying me. I’m not enough, and nothing I ever do for anybody will ever be.Â
How could you not stay here for me, for X. My sun adored you and you left him. That same day I texted you a picture of him and told you about how I see you in him. How could you abandon us in this way. We saw each other all summer, you pulled up to my house whenever you wanted. I gave you allcolades told you I was proud. You were doing better, wanted to be a father, a grandpa, and you did your best. So why didn’t you fight for us, why didn’t you protect yourself, why didn’t you open your eyes and count your blessings.
Right now I sit beside you and you are unresponsive and I swear you’re here because your vessels reflexes are acting up. The way you continue to see right on through all the love that surrounds you is nothing different than how you denied it our whole lives. Maybe we were truly your problem, maybe I. Never good enough.
Honestly f*** you. Though I still wish you peace, just know I won’t have it.
I’m sorry too. You said you’d be here, that if I needed anything… My whole life, you just keep breaking my heart
Gratitude
Gratitude is a silver lining. Gratitude is a light smile. Gratitude is embracing ones journey. There is always something to be grateful for in each moment. Gratitude tells me, this too shall pass. Gratitude will take one where one wants to go. Simple as that.
May 18, 2017
I watched the Nina Simone documentary yesterday and I have never felt more reflected. She is the most beautiful woman. Her rawness and vulnerable ways I admire. I feel myself. Pieces of myself I don’t recognize. I see that it’s okay to embrace the darkness. I’ve been living in a fantasy. Paired with the article I read about how unhealthy it can be to live a life in which one strives for positive thinking while ignoring and not accepting negative emotions. I need that rawness, but I’m scared I’ll go back to that dark sad space. So I bury that emotion and pretend to be positive. I’m finding all these emotions blowing up in my face. I need to learn that it’s okay to be sad, mad, and even angry. And to feel it. Feel it all. I need to feel it. Maybe that’s my lesson, to be honest about the way I feel.
I feel I’ve lied to myself in a sense. Using phrases like “everything happens for a reason” and “wabi Sabi” and Buddhist philosophy to transform my thoughts. Although wise; in my case, I find myself on auto pilot on the other side of the spectrum, lying about how I truly feel, coping with addictions. I think I’m ready to embrace ALL of my feelings. Come out the dark side, Mama wants to play. I want to get to know my dark side.
Freegrandmaa 