Tag: journal

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July 2, 2017

The past few days have left me in a state of confusion. I lay here questioning my sanity, my place, my purpose. Am I insane? And I not who I think I am? Who am I? What am I?

Everyday I feel more and more alone. This is a loneliness I haven’t felt in a while. I wish to leave, but I don’t know where. There’s only one place I can afford to go. I won’t be back. I’m struggling to keep my faith. I know I’d be dead without it. it’s all I have left. But what do I even have faith in? A new world? A spiritual evolution? Love? Myself? What is holding me back? Why New York? I wonder what would happen if I just ran. Ran to be by myself, away from society, away from people, away from this world. I’m alien, and not like the ones I see on the streets who’ve adapted themselves to this lifestyle of illusion. New York I hate you and you’ve brought me down to the dumps. You’ve kicked me while I was down. A reflection I don’t like. A spit in my face.

Two middle fingers up. I don’t know why people live in dense spaces like this. Trash everywhere, modern day slaves with solid fashion senses and smart phones. Gluttonous consumerist. drunks all over in the streets. I’m definitely bitter from my inaccurate expectations. Spirit I beg you to lead me, or let me go. I need some sort of validation to carry on.

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June 29, 2017

I woke up at 6am for the first time in weeks on my own and I gotta say I’m refreshed. Today X and I explore, waiting for something we’re not quite sure of. We’re near Chinatown and based in a nice neighborhood. X is adjusting; culture shock. Honestly I feel grounded, worse come to worst van life is always a backup plan. This feels natural. although New York truly lacks places of nature and alone spaces, I feel like I can quickly adjust.

God here I sit. I’m here now. Reveal to me my purpose; my calling. My arms are out stretched, I’m ready for what lies ahead. Also give X comfort in this big city. I know he’s overwhelmed and I ask that you release the pressure he’s feeling and allow him to loosen up, accept flow. I have faith in our purpose I wonder if he does still and if it’ll work if he doesn’t. I believe this is the first of many adjustments that’ll pull us out of our comfort zones.

Hurry up and find us, so X can breathe. New York be good to us.

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June 20th, 2021

Summer solstice

Depressive episode to balance the happy. Wishing to crawl back under my polished rock; or to be less dramatic, meet new people. People who look like me. Compliment me… Observe then indulge. Today I feel hopeless with human connection. Even X & X are not on the flow I can truly connect to. I just desire to be around people that are into authenticity, growth, and building, creating and making the world a better place. Trailblazers. Shadow workers who aim their arrow at the target. Same old complaint…

…My dreams have been violent. I’ve been mauled, attacked, chased. I’ve had to kill and watch love ones suffer. And my mood… Familiar faces all over this dream realm. Be conscious, keep caution. Pause. Observe. Trust my intuition…

…But I want to honor my feelings, put integration first. Suppression is a heavy betrayal. I called X to ask for advice. I received comfort in honoring myself. So I’m going to not betray myself while navigating my relationships with the ghosts of my past. I am a shadow worker, not moving out of pain but instead integrity, awareness and self respect.

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September 7, 2016

The first time I fell in love with another it was during a low time in both of our lives. It was long distance for most of the time. He would call me everyday even though I was sleeping, even though we didn’t have a thing to say. And I would write and send him intimate poetry every week. He didn’t understand it, but he understood me. As usual; after some time, we stopped seeing each other. And well, the phone calls slowly stopped coming as frequent, and my hands were too tire to write or feel. Our lives intensified. Soon silence.

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January 26, 2017

“Why isn’t this normal” can be a hashtag or button in which you say or do something light or out of love. Asking ” Why isn’t this normal” for example like twirling in the park, dancing down the street, buying a stranger coffee or food, genuinely asking someone how they are doing. To serve as a reminder of the the little things and respecting human life. We’re really all in this together.

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August 21, 2017

On the bright side I spent the afternoon with X; which was a savory escape into honest comfort , lifted my spirits and made me orgasm to the rattlings of freight trains rollin by, simply by …. It was wonderful, I felt it in my entire being, every blood cell, every inch of flesh and bone electrocuted and I felt it. It was blissful hanging in my van, caressing ,cuddling, and fondling. Great escape, the synchronicity is unreal.

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Prayer & knees

Help me see the truth

Honorable truth

Svāhā!

Help me find clouds comfort

rain forest peace and spring stability

Svāhā!

Help me become my true self; honor my Ori

Svāhā!

Help me learn my lesson the first time I am stung and broken

Never look back and never think twice unless you can feel the moons rejoicing

Svāhā!

Help me remain confidently strong and stronger as obstacles match success

Life is scary but I am a vulture

Svāhā!

Help me release my anger as sun passion alchemizing the rays and pains

Svāhā!

Help me mend my heart don’t let me fall apart

even if Im begging

Svāhā

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In a year One, 27=9

Returning to self
Year One
Year Twenty-seven
Two plus seven equals nine
The beginning and the end of..
My heart/ My grief/ My loneliness/ My faith/ My integrity/ My trust/ Birthrights/ My abundance/ The empty/ The full/ My sovereignty/ This paranoia/ New softness n rest/ Introductions to hate/ reintroductions to self love/ Sowing seeds/ Reaping harvest/ My purpose/ More grief/ n Love/ n Discernment/ n Blunt honesty/ n Holding space/ Spring cleaning/ Clear paths/ Generational wealth/ Longevity/ Fertility
.
The soil is wet
I will follow me
And I pray to remain sane as I’m
Beginning, beginning
Always ending
Always purging and making space
What no longer serves me has no place in my presence
With ease
Filling me
Seeing
Me
In a shade never discovered
Most ain’t serving me
Most won’t save me
Like moths to a flame
Disclaiming, you may not be able to swallow what you see
But to see
Me
Learning and
Listening
Solitary
Moving gently cause Twenty-seven is sacred
Twenty-seven is pivotal
The turning point
Facing myself
Pricking myself
Peeling myself
Burning of self
Healing
Myself
And yet
I’ve never felt stronger
An aureate light
Fight before flight
Earning perineal roots & my grey hairs
I’ve never felt as whole
Within the peaceful madness
Grateful sadness
Chaotic order
I discovered
Myself
Here and now
For when you know yourself truly and deeply
You move different. You get to exist without a care in the world. You get to trust and believe in everything you are.
The magic
The prophecies
The soil
The tears
The sun
The blood
The moon
The rain
Actions done in vain
The angels and the saints

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Velvet chairs

A seat at my table.

Flames, passion, rage, angst
Bloody and ripe
Burning, cleansing, sowing, forming
Alchemizing
I hope you may feel me
Be brave enough to touch
And be consumed

We create room for fires
Beliefs and passions
For this is what fuels life
We are alive
Are you alive

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October 4, 2023

I feel a void here now more than ever.

Even though I’m a bit behind, Im quite rich. Going to plan to get back into donating. Hopefully I can find one closer to me.

I’ve surrendered though. Is ‘giving up’ synonymous? What if it’s my son and I forever. Honestly I think I’d be alright. What if I’m alone up here. My days have been good actually. Tomorrow he has a hearing appointment and we’ve been going to the library, he likes that.

I feel like the more I spend time with myself the further I float. Downloaded Instagram but only for about 15mins. I couldn’t stand it and despised the thoughts I was having. I quickly grew annoyed with the app and then annoyed with myself. The idea of social media is immature and consumerist based and it brings that out in me. I’ve been off all summer.

I’m just detached from summers heat and flings. Am I going somewhere. Do I even have a destination. I feel like my destination may simply be a feeling. Like once I feel safe I’d know I have made it. My body anyways. I wonder how long it takes for your nervous system to regulate. I feel most safe when I’m not partaking in the worldly world. I want to feel safe in the worldly world. I want to feel safe with someone.