Tag: expressionist

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December 16, 2019

X grounds me. Like black tourmaline, my protector. My heart can’t take it.

I can’t help to think that X is purposely trying to take my peace. Sabotage me. Maybe it’s intentional, maybe it’s not, but I’m going to explode. Trying to figure out how to leave this situation. Being grateful for the space, but also it’s unhealthy. I am uncomfortable, and it’s difficult to enforce my boundaries. I need space from him. Not that I have to explain myself.

Why am I still here, I’m trying hard to not be. He does nothing, no passion, motive, drive. I’ve been sad, beating myself up for ending up here. I’m not happy nor comfortable. And I feel like it’s cause I’m not aligned. Something off.

Remember healing isn’t linear…

I think it’s crazy how my rape…

I know I haven’t healed…

X ain’t shit…

I will not fall in love with someone who doesn’t…

The masculine have alot of work to do.

They are so broken, twisted, toxic.

I also have to recognize that this is my perception, my experience, my reflection.

Only thing I can do is continue to work on myself. I wanna beat myself up for ignoring the signs.

I have all the answer within me.

I think I just need to cry.

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May 18, 2017

I watched the Nina Simone documentary yesterday and I have never felt more reflected. She is the most beautiful woman. Her rawness and vulnerable ways I admire. I feel myself. Pieces of myself I don’t recognize. I see that it’s okay to embrace the darkness. I’ve been living in a fantasy. Paired with the article I read about how unhealthy it can be to live a life in which one strives for positive thinking while ignoring and not accepting negative emotions. I need that rawness, but I’m scared I’ll go back to that dark sad space. So I bury that emotion and pretend to be positive. I’m finding all these emotions blowing up in my face. I need to learn that it’s okay to be sad, mad, and even angry. And to feel it. Feel it all. I need to feel it. Maybe that’s my lesson, to be honest about the way I feel.

I feel I’ve lied to myself in a sense. Using phrases like “everything happens for a reason” and “wabi Sabi” and Buddhist philosophy to transform my thoughts. Although wise; in my case, I find myself on auto pilot on the other side of the spectrum, lying about how I truly feel, coping with addictions. I think I’m ready to embrace ALL of my feelings. Come out the dark side, Mama wants to play. I want to get to know my dark side.

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I stand

Baby

 I am being

Tired of fleeing

Seeing the colors of the sky, but not living

And no one can give it to me

And no one would put it in my hands

Yet I stand

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June 27, 2021

I placed a glass of water on my alter and prayed. This weekend without a phone. Silence. Mindfulness. Sadness. I finished the book X borrowed me “Celestine Prophecy”. It left me open and searching.

Right now I am numb, asexual, emotionally unavailable, confident, sure of myself and my experience. Validating this period. I feel as long as I can see my growth no matter how seemingly inconsequential. I have to temporarily cut off X and X for my sanity. It honestly just hurts to be disrespected from them both to the degree that they do. In retrospect life is great.

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Ours

All passing

Is ours

Forever

From hand to hand

We pass the cup of eternal life

And you’ll know it well then

You’ll know then, it’ll live forever

Lay down a piece of heart

Of truth

Never dying in the game of death and rebirth

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January 15, 2023

I love deep feelings. Feelings that stops you in your tracks. Experiencing feelings with self awareness is even more enticing. I can do this dance and really put my foot in it. Really break a sweat. With the wisdoms of the future as a tether. Although the idea of becoming the crazy lady who wears mumus, cheetah print thongs, reads tea and palms and can tell when you’re lying but makes a game of playing along, is mad enticing.

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October 15, 2018

I pray this is the last time I have to break my mothers heart… I can’t think of anything… What is the way? I’m trying to make a relationship work, everything in me tells me it’s wrong, but something is telling me not to give up.

The most difficult part of healing is the era right before the climax when the voices begin to sound the same and you must learn discernment. It becomes a strain to hear the truth; to know right from wrong.

This baby inside me is right, right?

What am I going to do?

Prepare for either and decide later I suppose.

I really need to show up for myself now. I have to prove to myself that I can do it, that I will be a successful mother. That I can be me. Whoever that is.

I pray to find myself.

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January 21, 2024

I’m learning so much about my family since opening my home to my little sisters. It’s been hard but also a big opportunity to grow. Ive decided to recreate my role in my family. Moving away from being just the relatable safe big sister to accepting my role as the matriarch. I’m seeing first hand how these kids are being neglected by parents as well as the education system.

The kids are not the problem. Society is failing these kids.

Growing to be the bigger person to take on the role to guide instead of getting stuck in triggers and ego and allowing us all the remain stagnant. I’m realizing my siblings have no real home training and lack basic respect. I work hard to not blame them for what they haven’t been taught. I find joy at the same time in providing a safe space for them. Goodness though it’s hard being to others what you’ve never received but alas, the fate of the healer I suppose.

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September 21, 2020

So I’ve exploded, perhaps on something light as a feather. All the weight came down. X doesn’t think of the small things. He wants to be what I need but he just isn’t. He has alot to learn, or maybe he’s just used to treating me this way. Used to me allowing it. I know he has work to do because at one point he said he didn’t even know if we were together still. I wanna ask him why or how could he live and sleep not knowing if we were together. He says I’m intimidating. I don’t understand him, he doesn’t understand me. We both know our darkest parts though, so we think we know…

I was waiting for you and you just…

There’s alot of questionable things about him and only he can tap into his subconscious and sort it all out. And I don’t…. I do love him, we both deserve better though.