Tag: depression

Posted on

March 12, 2017

Remembering

Sometimes I catch a scent; smell something, and I remember having roommates for the first time. My own room. I used to paint my naked vessel and rejoice in what I thought was adulthood. Silly naive me.

Sometimes I hear a song. It takes me back. I feel my belly drop to my toes as my tear ducts instinctively fills up, releasing the sight of my being… In the psychiatric unit having a time. I’ve never felt so safe, so understood. I will never forget my time in X.

All the beautiful lost souls I met and loved. I pray they too found themselves again. My baby, I was so young. I used to feel so sad. I am free from all of that. Hurt, pain. I am sending love to my inner child always.

Posted on

July 5, 2017

Yesterday I realized that hanging out with X’s family may not be the best idea. I’m numb around them often finding myself hurt I don’t have what X has. His daughter is what gets me. It reminds me of what I used to have with my father. Heart wrenching. How lucky is he to have all that. My father, I’ve been thinking about him non-stop since New York and watching X with his daughter brings up so much as watching any daughter being loved on by her father. I want a child. To feel important, relevant. To fix this. Typical right. I find myself unable to enjoy the presence of others. Wanting to spend all my days in my van like I used to.

X brings everything to surface. He can’t be pushed or deterred. He’s given me a love I’ve never experienced. I don’t think anyone understands what Im saying and how I think like he does. He can be very detrimental to my well being. He can bring me to the highest of highs, but also if I let him in and it doesn’t work out, he could be the death of me. A painfully beautiful death probably. I never would imagine. Love is hard to trust. I pray he’s not another….

I pray I get out beforehand if he does. I pray for strength an open heart. I pray for healing.

Posted on

July 4, 2017

We’re back in Ohio. The short trip to New York has left me heartbroken with an immense sense of loneliness. Did I do something wrong? My whole life I’ve been called to New York and what I thought was going to be a trip filled of connection, bliss, fun. I am disappointed. I ask if I’m meant to be alone. Am I a fraud are my instincts and intuition not to be trusted? What happens now? So many unanswered questions accumulate in my mind. Waiting for answers. I question alot. I can’t go home. And so here I am in my van in front of X’s house waiting for a sign. I want to dig my feet into the soils and refuse to move until I hear what I need to hear. I need reassurance. Anything.

My sanity is under question as I start to see more and more of my father in myself. The thought alone puts fear in my heart. I tell myself things are different. Am I lying to myself. Am I being honest with myself. Am I being selfish for being distant. How to relationship. I have no healthy coping skills. God doesn’t care to give me one. Loneliness will be the death of me in this world. New York has completely mind fucked me. My spirit is broken. How will I heal from this. What did I do wrong? Please tell me. If I answer myself I will only fall deeper at the hand of my response.

I need to get outta my head. I stay in my head. I need to get outta my head.

Posted on

July 2, 2017

The past few days have left me in a state of confusion. I lay here questioning my sanity, my place, my purpose. Am I insane? And I not who I think I am? Who am I? What am I?

Everyday I feel more and more alone. This is a loneliness I haven’t felt in a while. I wish to leave, but I don’t know where. There’s only one place I can afford to go. I won’t be back. I’m struggling to keep my faith. I know I’d be dead without it. it’s all I have left. But what do I even have faith in? A new world? A spiritual evolution? Love? Myself? What is holding me back? Why New York? I wonder what would happen if I just ran. Ran to be by myself, away from society, away from people, away from this world. I’m alien, and not like the ones I see on the streets who’ve adapted themselves to this lifestyle of illusion. New York I hate you and you’ve brought me down to the dumps. You’ve kicked me while I was down. A reflection I don’t like. A spit in my face.

Two middle fingers up. I don’t know why people live in dense spaces like this. Trash everywhere, modern day slaves with solid fashion senses and smart phones. Gluttonous consumerist. drunks all over in the streets. I’m definitely bitter from my inaccurate expectations. Spirit I beg you to lead me, or let me go. I need some sort of validation to carry on.

Posted on

Bury me

Bury me beneath the many corners of my past life

I see the door and I’ll knock forever cause thats all I do

Bury me like lost lovers scorching the world.

I’ll be within it and you’ll never need to ask twice

As you bury me

I am no longer alive

I cannot see or breathe

But I am here

Posted on

April 16, 2017

I broke.

I can’t stop the tears. I haven’t said anything all day, and if I did, I wouldn’t have anyone to say it to.

I spent it in silence and with X. I can’t remember the last time I’ve cried this much and long.

I broke.

I suppose it isn’t possible to ignore trauma, can’t dodge it either or decide you don’t suffer when you’re always alone. I don’t know what to do about this situation but I’m losing myself. Not trying to hold on. I haven’t recognized my thoughts and decisions. My ways for releasing energy is a problem, but that’s okay…

That’s why this whole journey has been so “difficult” for you. You think you’re just over it.