Spread out
To disappear
I’m distracted
My mind’s not near
My mind’s tuned in
Tuned out
I’m not walking forward
Spaced out
I’m a broken clock
A broken record
And I’m upside-down
Bone comfort, adored lover
“The things we have in common, probably why we get along and also why we’re no good. The toxic pleasure in the mutual stroking of each other’s egos, shadows, soft spots. We are impermanent, so I can be in coexistence with you until we’re not. I look at you tenderly and will call you a lover for the rest of this life regardless of how, if, or when things end. I genuinely hope you’re able to connect with more compatible lovers. It’s one of the most pleasurable things, and good for da soul.”
“I agree Miss mulberry. Beautiful word choice.”
I wouldn’t call all the people I’ve had sex with a lover. The fate of my lovers and I tend to be bittersweet. I know it all too well. It’s comfortable having the dynamic we have. Like all, I see a piece of myself in X and a piece of him in me. He resurrected a part of me I thought was dead. He got me dancing again..
“He heats up and I lie down with him. Licking skin, fixing our faces.. He is pressure, I volcanic rock and I soon glaze over.”
I know I can’t carry X to the other side when/if the time comes. I’m pretty sure I want to grow, to learn how to relationship, to try wholeheartedly choosing someone and commiting at least once. To face my fears, and cast away my trust issues. It sounds nice, the vision is clear, the work however not for the weak. And relationships are my greatest weakness. Now I’m not weak, I’m just not sure if I can actually do it, if all of me wants to, if I’ll get the chance, if I have the tools..
Because if I’m honest; more often than not, I don’t want him; or anyone else, to be mine. A part of me doesn’t want to be wanted or possessed in that way either. It’s a vulnerability I’m uncomfortable with. It’s a sacrifice I have mixed feelings and thoughts about..I love my solitude and being my safe space. I like him and having him around, and the feeling is mutual, and that’s alright. being lovers is simple, freeing, safe..
“Play with me. Stay with me. Relax here..”
I think I knew this all along, and I know the longer we remain the more bitter than sweet the end will be for me. It was supposed to be a smooth ending, but I threw my hands up and gave X what he wants, what a part of me wants. We’re fairly open and solid with communication so nothing is a surprise. I know him and I know him well. I know our dance like the back of my hand. I am willing and leaning in. I can be here, now. And if we stay fucked up and never heal the parts we share, we probably will wind up dancing much longer than I intended…
I just don’t want another cold goodbye, or to tire. I wanna be warm still, tender still when it ends. I had a chance at a soft clean slate, but he is a charming woodpecker and I’ve never had a lover quite like this so I’ll indulge until I don’t anymore. He’s familiar and also unknown, and well I’m pulled…
“You help me see and understand nothing.. There is no right or wrong with you.”
..All of my lovers have a special place in my heart though..
“Love is supposed to be free not lethal.”
..I wanna be a better lover..
..I’m grateful and I’ll abstractly draw him and write passionate poems when the heartache comes and in the meantime..
“My love comes in all forms.”
Form
She sways and she fades
Condensing as we name her audacious
Sometimes I shout it too
With her I had no clue
.
My love comes in all forms
She’s cold and lukewarm
When she melts I melt with her
I have faith in her rigid lorn
.
Chant and sing these warnings
She is everything
She is nothing within
On the mountain where I placed her
She was my only friend
.
I was free to scrutinize her
She was decay and serpent
Offered me to experience life freely
She wouldn’t dare come with me
I’d repent to see her nearly
You
The mystic, the wonder
The ending of my cycles
Severed as selfish stings of venom
It’s you
It’s you
You gave, oh yes you did
Fickle flavor created my taste
And as my appetite fluctuates
I choose to starve
Washed over in drought
Sand dunes and Florida watered illusions
I see you
I saw you
I thank you
Forget
Forget
Let go
I’m confused, crippled as so
Our spring through and through
We passion
We shout
We quarrel
Over your bed of moss
It feels secure to love, risk lost
Forget
Let go
Winners war
I’m not sure of what I am feeling, my heart can break, my ego; callous
What keeps me asleep is a range to run
Emotional in wake I bake the sun
Holes of bittersweet spit up, you nuzzling my breast till numb
Turning in, on and off
Tuning off, out and in
I attempt to sing those sensitive songs, I pretend with oneself, playing once upon a time
There’s no where to go as my soul is magnetic to your salvation, even here the space of our bodies deafening
I don’t know exactly why this fight takes flight, ideal is a winners war; no casualties
Close enough
I cried out mercy and an added hour
I sought out fairytales and provoked hallucinations to deter
Please reflect, deflect, respect my ignorance
I’ll never name it by bliss; terror neither though close enough
December 16, 2019
X grounds me. Like black tourmaline, my protector. My heart can’t take it.
I can’t help to think that X is purposely trying to take my peace. Sabotage me. Maybe it’s intentional, maybe it’s not, but I’m going to explode. Trying to figure out how to leave this situation. Being grateful for the space, but also it’s unhealthy. I am uncomfortable, and it’s difficult to enforce my boundaries. I need space from him. Not that I have to explain myself.
Why am I still here, I’m trying hard to not be. He does nothing, no passion, motive, drive. I’ve been sad, beating myself up for ending up here. I’m not happy nor comfortable. And I feel like it’s cause I’m not aligned. Something off.
Remember healing isn’t linear…
I think it’s crazy how my rape…
I know I haven’t healed…
X ain’t shit…
I will not fall in love with someone who doesn’t…
The masculine have alot of work to do.
They are so broken, twisted, toxic.
I also have to recognize that this is my perception, my experience, my reflection.
Only thing I can do is continue to work on myself. I wanna beat myself up for ignoring the signs.
I have all the answer within me.
I think I just need to cry.
October 15, 2018
I pray this is the last time I have to break my mothers heart… I can’t think of anything… What is the way? I’m trying to make a relationship work, everything in me tells me it’s wrong, but something is telling me not to give up.
The most difficult part of healing is the era right before the climax when the voices begin to sound the same and you must learn discernment. It becomes a strain to hear the truth; to know right from wrong.
This baby inside me is right, right?
What am I going to do?
Prepare for either and decide later I suppose.
I really need to show up for myself now. I have to prove to myself that I can do it, that I will be a successful mother. That I can be me. Whoever that is.
I pray to find myself.
August 12, 2019
Today I decided to take time to myself; although I walked only down the street, it felt nice to leave X with X and I’m happy I toke this time.
I feel like X reflects my insecurities and he’s taking me outgrowing him personally. It seems his anger stems from who I was before the baby, who he wants me to be. I’m positive I’m just out growing him. We aren’t on the same frequency anymore. Pregnancy and birth has straightened me out. X’s birth gave me life. I am aware that I have an energy I give off but it’s because shit has changed. I’ve changed….
Regardless I know I judge him for not growing up, I just would really love for him to be walking our paths together. I told him that years ago when we were just friends. I told him I’d leave him behind if he refused to grow. He could’ve been….
I’ve decided to transmute the energy I’m trying to force between us; hurt energy as well, into something that’ll benefit me. I’ve decided I’m worth it. The life I crave to live I deserve it.
Freegrandmaa 