I feel more and more feral.
I want a different word. Unhinged.
I want to be ugly. I want to be a mess—show my ass.
Bit by bit, I’m letting loose again. Saying more. Saying less. Using my face and body to communicate.
It is noticeable.
I want them to see my wholeness. I won’t shy away.
I play with myself, my thoughts, my perceptions. I challenge. I rebel.
I believe in letting the darkness play out. Something is ready this era. I have wants. I’m human too. And I’m a generous woman.
I want to be afraid and safe.
I’ve been questioning reality and mortality. Getting nowhere close to anything that soothes and makes sense.
I am struggling to surrender to the care I feel.
I’m realizing I move similarly to my dad
In and out.
How I refuse to acknowledge that others are attached to me and that they are a person. How I’ve lost some humanness through the cracks of me.
Emotionally, I intellectualize my emotions and others’. I feel deeply, but I’m not connected to my feelings fully. I float above, observing.
Solitude protected me from rejection.
Solitude protected me from the noise of the world.
Solitude protected my journey to myself.
I ended up alone while becoming everything.
I am questioning everything about relationships.
I see what part of me must die.
A big chunk of my identity.
How pathetic. How humbling these human feelings.
I bite my tongue. Resentment fills my mouth as acid.
Behind the barricades
The grip on surrender
I found my sun
By my bedside
On a river
It didn’t take me
Where I’m going
Oh, the faces
I meet
A piece of her
Crawled from her insides
When they were all fresh and overdue
When nobody wanted her
She couldn’t keep herself
I’ve been delving into a new territory with my art.
Bit by bit, I’m letting loose again.
