Last night brought me back. X and I talked on the phone for hours, just talking about our future together, our love and meeting each other. I was reminded of my biggest blessing and how real this is. I mean in less than a month I will meet X. I am so grateful I get to experience life with him. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted. He pours so much unconditional love onto me. He validates my feelings, dreams, beliefs. I see us together and I know nothing else will matter because I have him. I know that we will get through everything and anything together. He remind me of my worth even if I don’t believe it. The love we have will touch lives. Yesterday I went back and reread our first messages and think about how it all started and how I was confused when I saw that days had passed by and he was still interested…
October 7, 2021
More trauma, more anger. You’d always ask if I was mad at you. Was it not what you wanted when we repeated “No”. You had to go and get yourself killed. Well now you have it. I am so f****** mad at you, and I hope you know it. I’m so angry at you, and I feel at the core I always have been. I’m pissed off at this soulless body. Explain the voices or rather the voice of you that haunts my mind attempting to console me after destroying me. I’m not enough, and nothing I ever do for anybody will ever be.Â
How could you not stay here for me, for X. My sun adored you and you left him. That same day I texted you a picture of him and told you about how I see you in him. How could you abandon us in this way. We saw each other all summer, you pulled up to my house whenever you wanted. I gave you allcolades told you I was proud. You were doing better, wanted to be a father, a grandpa, and you did your best. So why didn’t you fight for us, why didn’t you protect yourself, why didn’t you open your eyes and count your blessings.
Right now I sit beside you and you are unresponsive and I swear you’re here because your vessels reflexes are acting up. The way you continue to see right on through all the love that surrounds you is nothing different than how you denied it our whole lives. Maybe we were truly your problem, maybe I. Never good enough.
Honestly f*** you. Though I still wish you peace, just know I won’t have it.
I’m sorry too. You said you’d be here, that if I needed anything… My whole life, you just keep breaking my heart
Kali Yuga
Warmer hearts
This holy life
The snowdrops has risen
Birth and creator
It’s aliveness in the winter
In the snowfall
Warmer hearts
January 2, 2020
I prayed hard on my way to work.
Feeling at home while talking to source.
Connecting to source.
One day at a time?
One choice.
One decision.
Today at work I will eat my food and drink my tea.
I’m going to dance and write.
Open me up. Recreate. Revamp.
I have some thinking to do with the woman I want to be. I am holding space for all I am in every moment. Maybe this year I’ll find my niche.
I don’t want to get sexually and romantically distracted. At the same time I don’t want to shame myself for wanting to be intimate…I want to break free from the belief that I am only desired physically. I want to also hold that men are attracted to the physical first. It’s survival. I’m mad sexually appealing, healthy, and warm to look at and so it makes sense if that’s what pulls one in. I have programming that has made me unsafe with the idea of men being attracted to my physical and being lusted after. Which is honestly unfair, unreasonable, and ridiculous. I can sense lust and genuine interest in a second.
June 27, 2021
I placed a glass of water on my alter and prayed. This weekend without a phone. Silence. Mindfulness. Sadness. I finished the book X borrowed me “Celestine Prophecy”. It left me open and searching.
Right now I am numb, asexual, emotionally unavailable, confident, sure of myself and my experience. Validating this period. I feel as long as I can see my growth no matter how seemingly inconsequential. I have to temporarily cut off X and X for my sanity. It honestly just hurts to be disrespected from them both to the degree that they do. In retrospect life is great.
Ours
All passing
Is ours
Forever
From hand to hand
We pass the cup of eternal life
And you’ll know it well then
You’ll know then, it’ll live forever
Lay down a piece of heart
Of truth
Never dying in the game of death and rebirth
Woman
I love being a women.
Everything about it.
Blood, burnings and birth.
Airy, soft.
Pure fire and magic.
Digest
The best lover
I told myself I could be the best lover
Listen to me
I told myself I could form the fairytales with words and my own hands
With imagination and soul
Choosing to go where the sky bends
And the water calls me out and balances me
Soothed over as honey
On a chest so sweet
So deep dark and brown
Sitting under crowns
Floating on clouds
I believed it, yes I believed it
Freegrandmaa 