Cotton pink undertones
Close by with gentle age
She was creamy, so soft
My eyes sparkled as we met
Pixie baby looking all confused
Going for a ride with mine
I sit silent
I study her magic
The way her skin rainbows
The concern in her delicate sweet face when I leave
Reason
I always come back to sadness
Maybe it’s a shape shifting anger
Maybe we’ve hung her; together
But it’s all I ever knew, it’s whom I make true intricate love to
I inflicted upon me paired with hesitations and soon to be’s
cause well maybe I’m human
I sink through all your deadly seas
I sort through my pieces of wool and used flannels and cloth
And I touch the human in every passerby knowing it’s never enough
I touch the heart that aches with stone burning parallels
I touch the mouths through mountains of victims as the dead sings farwells
I vow to be untouched
It’s not enough to breathe in and exhale my stomach, my liver; my heart
It’s hard enough to wake alert and dress up the rest with the earth’s hardened dirt
Soul tied to a suit and some layers that aren’t mine
But to most it’s fine, some say quite divine
I couldn’t harm a fly; I wish to kill a billion
And so
I harm the self that promises to let things go (let things sow)
Burdened by the death of each solitary season
Hands pressed in pulses pleading to be granted the sights of a hermits reason
Truth be told
Truth be told
My eyes have no trouble changing colors
The birds in fact taught them everything they know
How to hold and care with caresses
For the golds and rubies
Crossed in fits of tantrums
They swear to listen to me
Who has listened closely
Winners war
I’m not sure of what I am feeling, my heart can break, my ego; callous
What keeps me asleep is a range to run
Emotional in wake I bake the sun
Holes of bittersweet spit up, you nuzzling my breast till numb
Turning in, on and off
Tuning off, out and in
I attempt to sing those sensitive songs, I pretend with oneself, playing once upon a time
There’s no where to go as my soul is magnetic to your salvation, even here the space of our bodies deafening
I don’t know exactly why this fight takes flight, ideal is a winners war; no casualties
Newness
What news!
The arrival
And the departure
Both equal in value and pleasure
To the adventurous wondering soul
Void of faith
You toke hold of each finger
Making promises
Saying prayers
Void of faith
Refocused
Close enough
I cried out mercy and an added hour
I sought out fairytales and provoked hallucinations to deter
Please reflect, deflect, respect my ignorance
I’ll never name it by bliss; terror neither though close enough
September 3, 2016
I have the gift of my eyes for beauty and simple appreciation for nature. I feel connected just getting away from everything and being alone in it. I am always in disbelief over the most effortless things. The abundant ways the light hits a community of trees. The gentle sway of loyal leaves, the chirp songs of crickets paired with the watercolored sunrises. I get to find magic everywhere.
December 16, 2019
X grounds me. Like black tourmaline, my protector. My heart can’t take it.
I can’t help to think that X is purposely trying to take my peace. Sabotage me. Maybe it’s intentional, maybe it’s not, but I’m going to explode. Trying to figure out how to leave this situation. Being grateful for the space, but also it’s unhealthy. I am uncomfortable, and it’s difficult to enforce my boundaries. I need space from him. Not that I have to explain myself.
Why am I still here, I’m trying hard to not be. He does nothing, no passion, motive, drive. I’ve been sad, beating myself up for ending up here. I’m not happy nor comfortable. And I feel like it’s cause I’m not aligned. Something off.
Remember healing isn’t linear…
I think it’s crazy how my rape…
I know I haven’t healed…
X ain’t shit…
I will not fall in love with someone who doesn’t…
The masculine have alot of work to do.
They are so broken, twisted, toxic.
I also have to recognize that this is my perception, my experience, my reflection.
Only thing I can do is continue to work on myself. I wanna beat myself up for ignoring the signs.
I have all the answer within me.
I think I just need to cry.
Freegrandmaa 