alchemy – Page 3 – Freegrandmaa

March 29, 2024April 15, 2024

I stand

Baby

I am being

Tired of fleeing

Seeing the colors of the sky, but not living

And no one can give it to me

And no one would put it in my hands

Yet I stand

March 21, 2024

I placed a glass of water on my alter and prayed. This weekend without a phone. Silence. Mindfulness. Sadness. I finished the book X borrowed me “Celestine Prophecy”. It left me open and searching.

Right now I am numb, asexual, emotionally unavailable, confident, sure of myself and my experience. Validating this period. I feel as long as I can see my growth no matter how seemingly inconsequential. I have to temporarily cut off X and X for my sanity. It honestly just hurts to be disrespected from them both to the degree that they do. In retrospect life is great.

March 8, 2024

Hurt people hurt people

Godspeed as pain plagues the world
While stolen lovers lust for equality; for peace
Begging for rain
Claiming insanity
Shaming one from shining down
This time around the natural will abandon us
The truth will leave us
All removed
Stumbling riddlers will remain

February 20, 2024January 24, 2025

August 29, 2022

My shadow work consists of me experimenting with opposing extremes. I like to experiment with my actions and reactions; the devil on my shoulder and my intuition. To find the middle, the balance, my truth. I love to breakdown as I step out side of my comfortzones. I love to feel fear, and anxiety, and adrenaline rushes, and gratitude. I love to love and to get my feelings hurt and my heart broken. I love to set goals and accomplish them and I love to procrastinate and take my time. I love feeling beautiful and feeling ugly. I’m a pariah and the center of attention. All in one, and the awareness of that makes everything about life feel alive and intriguing to me. This experience and perspective of mine could easily be attributed to me not having any water in my chart, and my Taurus sun. Being sensual is healing, and romantisizing “lower vibrational” entities can also be healing if paired with self awareness, intention, and that work.

I’ve been saying yes. Something I’ve noticed while observing myself. And I’ve open a few doors by doing so, which encourages me to be more open and spontaneous. I’m constantly impressed and surprised.

February 5, 2024

January 21, 2024

I’m learning so much about my family since opening my home to my little sisters. It’s been hard but also a big opportunity to grow. Ive decided to recreate my role in my family. Moving away from being just the relatable safe big sister to accepting my role as the matriarch. I’m seeing first hand how these kids are being neglected by parents as well as the education system.

The kids are not the problem. Society is failing these kids.

Growing to be the bigger person to take on the role to guide instead of getting stuck in triggers and ego and allowing us all the remain stagnant. I’m realizing my siblings have no real home training and lack basic respect. I work hard to not blame them for what they haven’t been taught. I find joy at the same time in providing a safe space for them. Goodness though it’s hard being to others what you’ve never received but alas, the fate of the healer I suppose.

January 28, 2024January 28, 2024

August 12, 2019

Today I decided to take time to myself; although I walked only down the street, it felt nice to leave X with X and I’m happy I toke this time.

I feel like X reflects my insecurities and he’s taking me outgrowing him personally. It seems his anger stems from who I was before the baby, who he wants me to be. I’m positive I’m just out growing him. We aren’t on the same frequency anymore. Pregnancy and birth has straightened me out. X’s birth gave me life. I am aware that I have an energy I give off but it’s because shit has changed. I’ve changed….

Regardless I know I judge him for not growing up, I just would really love for him to be walking our paths together. I told him that years ago when we were just friends. I told him I’d leave him behind if he refused to grow. He could’ve been….

I’ve decided to transmute the energy I’m trying to force between us; hurt energy as well, into something that’ll benefit me. I’ve decided I’m worth it. The life I crave to live I deserve it.

January 21, 2024