Freegrandmaa

Ill just close my eyelids tonight.

Remember my world, return to my space

Remind myself I’ve stopped giving matter a while ago

And to step backwards even in the slightest

Means a certain death from the gods

It’s no longer my life

And my reflection no longer resembles you

Holding my tongue through these lessons and blessins

Now higher, wiser

Effortlessly creating new life

What are you

cause I can’t keep up.

A God with wings?

A newborn?

One year you’ve walked

Circling my being sprinkling soulful lust and miracles

Blowing clouds and fighting canines

Out of want it glows so natural

And you change dress as the seasons do

Wearing rain boots

taking my hand

we’d dance

Spinning in circles forgetting this space

Creating our own dimensions and walking the galaxies

I remember the day I broke into your house… what a mess I was, climbing through your kitchen window at 3am drunk and flustered. Demanding words and armored answers. You justified and..I thought you had to mean it. I thought you felt my feelings as you soothed. I thought…

“…the sea’s only gifts are harsh blows and, occasionally, the chance to feel strong. Now, I don’t know much about the sea, but I do know that that’s the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong, to measure yourself at least once, to find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions, facing blind, deaf stone alone, with nothing to help you but your own hands and your own head…” – Primo Levi

May 26, 2018

I’ve crossed the line. A line I should’ve never thought. The only thing above falling in love. This is the first time I’ve experienced true regret, and perhaps in the far future again, as I re-read this entry. I’m fine with that. What I can’t find comfort in is the mental, and it would be naive to attempt to seek refugee within myself. For my vessel has abandoned me, betrayed me right before my very eyes. This is surprisingly disheartened, and I prefer as the past, to sleep eternally. Can I sell my limbs, my organs, gray matter? To accept I’m truly starting over in solitude is terrifying slightly. invigorating as well. Shedding skin with each step. From this moment on, it’s only we.

I love you baby

Like warm flava bread and cold ice cream.

You given me balance already

And I think my heart is steady, and my mind is tight

My power

Yours.

I feel it already

From the moment you landed to the moment youll arrive

Take your time, sweet baby

I’ll be ready in due time.

hello

can you hear me

how’s your stay

yet so close

my very being

being

here i sit all alone

smelling liquors cutting my soules on broken phones

hold me tightly the one that remains

for why i’ll lie only tonight

ahhh now I think its alright to give in to give in

yeah

cause nearly everything I touch cringes

and sorrow never fell from my heart

to say

I don’t like my hands

and I don’t want anyones hands in replacement

I mean sometimes I do

but only to bit them, pick their fingernails, dip them in mud

recently I’ve been weaker parts of my mind has melted, others boiled away

no I don’t think its alright

and I no longer makes sense

if I’m here dead and to a crisp

then so it shall be just don’t admit me

cold stone

lemon bitter

broken back

withering skin

choked instead of speaking

running rivers

cracked nose

there is no joy

burnt fingertips

points only to me

to me, to me

to me

to me

these bleeding wounds

lead only to me

Every day I’ve made it a habit to express what I was grateful for. Be it a meal, a beautiful day, or simply having a shower to clean myself in, I wrote down every blessing I received almost every day, the beauty I saw, and every privilege I had. The more I thought about all I had, the less I cared about what I didn’t. I began to check myself when I noticed I was complaining about something I didn’t have and wanted. I checked my wishes, and my prayers. Because I now was grateful. I found freedom and peace while thinking about the simple pleasures and luxuries of my world. Clean water, easily accessible water, electricity, access to soulful organic foods, I refused to let myself be ungrateful because I was broke, or homeless, or because our government and world is all kinds of fucked up. I was grateful to simply have shelter, and food to eat, to wake, to be healthy and alive, and for my loved ones to have the same.

Expressing gratitude has kept me grounded, humble, and during low times gratitude has uplifted and kept me alive. It’s easier to accept that I am here for a reason, and that I am still blessed when I can live to see the sun rise and set another day. My reasons to live are simple, as a result my life is simple, and my happiness is easier to obtain. Sit me down in front of an open sky and I am pleased… I live day to day, minute to minute simply because I’m consistently amazed and mindful of the beauties at any given moment, because I know that this life I live is eternally a privilege regardless of what troubles or stresses I may have in my world. When I can go home and be showered with the love of my siblings, when I remember those friends that helped me and uplifted me at perfect timing. I am blessed. I saw after peering my head over my fence of chaos, I had a whole field of blossoming flowers waiting to be sniffed, the grass is greener on the grateful side as you will find nothing except abundance.

I’ve found its easier to wake up, easier to love, easier to accept and see the truth when you daily are expressing your appreciations to the world. It’s easier to notice the uniqueness of each day, the beauties of each day, as well as each person. I see gratitude as medicine to a yearning soul. She puts her arms around you tightly so that you may be reminded that you are watch over, that you are heard, that you are blessed. Just train your eyes to notice the little things, the itty-bitty things, the microscopic things. No abuse, no trauma, no hate in the world can bring me to my knees in helplessness again, because gratitude reminds me. Now I am a minimalist, I don’t need much, and it doesn’t take much to please me. It’s easy to make me happy, as a materialistic Taurus even, it’s impossible for me to find joy in material things or acquiring new things. I am more in tuned with my sensual side, my happiness is based on all that I have, the privilege to experience, the privilege to witness. I only desire the beautiful free experiences of life simply because I don’t want anything extra. I don’t need anything extra to be happy. I wake up in a safe place, I can walk through my city in peace (sometimes), I got food to eat, my loved ones are healthy, I have a wonderful job that I love and am appreciated at. What more do I truly NEED? in this exact moment, nothing, I’m good.

So today I am grateful. Grateful for life’s simple beauties. Grateful for my health and loved ones’ health. Grateful for the roof over my head. Grateful for my evolution and the evolution of others. Grateful for all the love I see and receive online and off. Grateful for this toilet I’m currently typing on. Grateful for the water imma wash my hands with. Grateful for all the teachers in my life. Grateful to be alive…. So, what are you grateful for?

And I saw the light. As you sit across from me with it in your hand, outreached, my eyes begging

Me to believe

to acknowledge the truth. As I look into yours; there is a faint, a slow deterioration taking place of everything that I thought was. Hush Hush Hush. How do you speak and get through to the creatures swinging. Back and forth. Back and forth within my head, feeling threatened, agitated. It is only in the slightly awakened light it becomes obvious. That although deep, how weakened they truly are. Reluctantly disintegrating into the flames that is your love.

That is my love.

And I saw the light. And I ask only that you continue to shine it upon me, my skin is frail. Can you spare it, if only for a moment. Remind me maybe of the truth you hold, and how I want it so. In your flames, burning away is agonizing, and it’s your arms that give me comfort while dying.

And so I see the light. Never wanting. Never desiring it as I do now. The lies of the never deserving to be unraveled and chipped. I allow the poison to be scorched for as long as it may take.

For as long as it needs.

Till it no longer resides in my heart