Modern day Revolution

This is not a matter of black and white. It’s an attack on consciousness, to set us back, to lower ourselves. Although my DNA aches from the beatings and trauma ringing from my ancestors ears, and Ive spent these days grieving and feeling the fear sharp within the depths of my spine. I had to straighten myself out in the faith of my power and my God body. They want us to forget and to feel weak so we won’t even think twice; won’t even consider the magic within our palms. Its as easy as solely believing in yourself and wanting a new way of life. Wanting it enough to trust and let go of the system that has deceived us into thinking they are working on the injustice or that they care. Hmmm, Race distracts us. Gender distracts us, gossip and media are encouraged and infused for a reason. They attempt to poison our youth and their developing minds from birth for a reason. As social media makes many at the end of the day complacent. Withholding resources from the masses, forcing the scarcity complex and mental illnesses. But that’s another agenda..

We can ALL be abundant.

They train us to judge and project as if any of us are really the ones to blame for all the unnatural shit in this form of lifestyle. Think about it. War tactics. Divide and conquer, the basics. Using trauma and triggers to control and manipulate. Our ancestors’ identities were stripped and lynched and so they forgot and weren’t able to heal, and so we forget. But what is often looked over is that our history is also embedded in the line of our hands. Within the texture of your skin, to the tops of our fingertips, with our past in our eyes. We must remember now, and go back. To live a revolutionary life. To touch base with Mama Gaia. We don’t belong in their world. It’s unnatural. This whole time we’ve been going against our roots trying to connect to theirs.

Quick reality check. We’ve been colonized.

To heal yourself, change your narrative, work with those you trust to create a new world. Slowly but surely people will see and want to take place… This is the time for leaders to stop talking and to live their lives. Led by example. you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink it. However when you mind your business and enjoy Earth’s fresh waters while being present; gulping and gasping at how refreshing it is. Imagine all that you’ll attract to the waters by simply enjoying it yourself. Most people just need to know others are changing, before being comfortable with changing themselves. I believe that is how you attract the horse to water. In a sense. Lead by example.

New world needs to be normalized.

For me, I’m dedicating myself to living the revolution, whatever that means to me, you can catch me in my lane, creating my own system. On social media for #freegrandmaa activities and expression as usual. Solidarity perhaps? My activism will be reflected through intentional living. Through my children’s upbringing, and my expression. The key isn’t to fight against the system; but instead, dedicate ourselves to starting our own. Community rebuilding. If it’s diverse, a modern-day Wall street perhaps, the revival of the Black Panther Party? Ideas like those are where our power lies. Where we can start tapping into the caves of our souls.  

Overall, I am here for every part of this process.  And I trust everyone’s role, and whatever that looks like. I am inner standing and patient with evolution/ revolution. They are not mutually exclusive. We can’t have one without the other, and they coexist symbiotically, feeding each other. Fueling back and forth. The chicken, the egg, the big bang. I don’t believe peace, or violence is the solution. Its death, and rebirth. the phoenix always rises. Right now my mind is pregnant with a new world. A world where I can get most of my necessities from my community, and we give and receive freely.

I don’t know, all I know is this is the tipping point you either evolve or stay comfortable and grandmaa always tells you if you make your bed hard, you’re going to have to sit and wallow in it. She also reminds us that history repeats itself if we don’t learn our lessons. 2020 is the year of manifestation intentions. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that all of our energy and thoughts have been focused on such low vibrational generational traumas. It’s our responsibility to remember our thoughts are powerful, I just hope after this release we can be more intentional about the world we want to create to live in.  Imma be thinking about how I can dedicate myself to the community and to reconstructing the narratives and conditions of living for ALL people. Cause it’s bigger than us. And there is more than enough for us all. There so much to be discovered and so much truth to unfold about this reality. At the end of the day I think the important thing is to remember who the real enemies are. The ones controlling the media, the hate, the money. We are more powerful than they can ever be. Smell their fear, savor it, but don’t get stuck down there with them for its opaque and thick with creepy crawlers. If it wasn’t before; from now on, slavery is a choice. My perspective anyways. Can you dig it?

ABUNDANCE


I’m not gonna lie…The idea of everybody coming together makes me wet. Being self-sustainable, trading, and relying on each other, is so attractive. Seeing people unify their resources in an equal exchange of gifting and receiving turns me on. Does it not you? As you probably know I’m an evolutionist, and as we speak us huemans are evolving. Layer by layer, shedding, peeling our consciousness from the meat of our flesh and seeing only one. How radient. What an abundance. I see villages and commUnities and families self sustaining and supporting each other. I see my people touch the earth as our ancestors had, and I see their eye fill with light. Our people; the collective we are going home. The choice is yours. Are you open to experiencing your power? The abundace you are? Hmm what a space to be.

Reaching out to Ancient Roots

August 30, 2017

In a world of so many I find myself distant. To be hueman, I struggle to hold the capacity to grasp what that entails. Hmph, expectations. Hmph labels. So sure i’ll ask, am I hueman? My ancestors are you there? Growing up I’ve pondered over who you all were and if I resemble any before. I’m from a cluster of seven stars. Where my befores laid. I wonder if a Great has ever found themselves unattached and confused upon being birthed onto this earth. Did they just so happen upon Mama. A fellow wanderer, exhiled, a lotus flower. Oh I wish I knew who you all are. Perhaps we can exchange stories and mines would resemble yours. Or we’ll laugh the same, fall deeply alike, fiercely designed by our higher, each other perhaps. To touch the lineage, make connections and bonds to my roots. To see my roots.. Knowledge of my past is the only thing that can find me. That can make me believe that I’m here aligned. Speak to me. Allow me to meet you, acquire your personalities, your wisdom, your strength. I need to see me with my own eye. There are many of you so refrain from speaking all at once, but you have my undivided attention. How can we meet?

Sweaty palms

me nurtured

i nurture

i pray i find you to nourish me

i do in the meantime

around the sublimes and the life’s lemons

oh its not a sin if you don’t touch me

and holy dances aroused my palms to tell me it’s alright

i can fight and fly, and be chosen

at the darkest parts of the night

shadows, purities and a black head

black & white

all the same in nature

its inevitable to be natural

Sunsets and backwoods

you were sunsets and backwoods
brought me under, drowned me baby
then coming back through frosted windows
my ever after
my everlasting
sip
dripped in painted rays
in another way, on another day you’ll find me
until then
chocolate hues of bellies and life’s sweets
expired love
savoring you
Oh the opaqueness of a stale smoke

Old Times Sake

i told myself i would have no tears for you

would only hold space for you

but just once more

for old times sake

for the sake of our troubled tickers

for the savior of your soul

godspeed

as pain plagues the world

stolen lovers are lost upon the ghost of our past

for fairness

for peace

begging for rain

claiming insanity

shame them for seeing

this time around

the natural will abandon us

the truth has slayed us

and all that will remain

is removed and placed into the palms of your hands

vulnerable wombman

When I found out I was pregnant I was not happy. I mourned, I raged, and I died a little every day. After that 6th test I was flooded with feelings of disgust, disappointment, and shame. As a survivor of rape and sexual abuse, finding out I was pregnant was the biggest trigger. I felt violated, oh how had my body betrayed me once again? My womb was holding onto many traumas that was kicked into the spotlight with the landing of my sun.

Up until I found out I was with child, I was an avid day drinker and drug indulger; at the time I was severely severed from reality, in a reckless self-sabotaging daze, suppressed, psyching myself out.

I sobbed as I accepted that I had to immediately let go of my addictions; emotions and the bottle. For days I had panic attacks knowing that with the choice to have this child came the certainty that I would soon have to face the darkest parts of my inners. Sober.

Not Sober

I’ll be honest, I kept the pregnancy a secret from the father for a month. And in that month, I barely spoke. I spent that month picturing my life if I were to get an abortion, and wondering if I could “subconciously” manifest an accident if it came to that.

I remember I pretended to cry at my first ultrasound because I felt obligated to feel something towards this new life. I had decided to go through with the pregnancy, but wasn’t ready to tell anyone but the father. He was overjoyed, I felt used. I wasn’t surprised by all of these intense feelings ever though. I wasn’t ignorant to the symptoms of sudden withdrawal or prenatal depression.

Somewhat in denial I thought the feeling was going to pass; or at least cool down once the hells of my first trimester froze over, but that wasn’t the case. I feel blessed to have known about prenatal depression. Simply being able to identify the experience was a tether for my sanity. I’m not ashamed to admit that I wholeheartedly feared that I wasn’t going to love my baby because I didn’t feel anything at first. I was anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, and withdrawing. The first 1 ½ trimester I often sat and genuinely fantasized about disappearing shortly after my sun was born asking myself if I could do it. I’d be in my head attempting to reason, telling myself that the baby could replace me and he would be free of all that I was. I feared I would neglect him, as my past life flashed before me. I was under my own judgement. I hid my pregnancy for 6 months as I immersed myself in introspection. I knew I was going to take my baby down with me if I didn’t get my shit together. It toke me 4 months to gather enough courage to fight for my sun and I.

It was then decided that I would have to guide myself to grow my love for my unborn sun. Yes, I decided. Up until the day he was born, I made conscious decisions to intentionally on love him. Every day mindfully courting my baby I would joke. By the time third trimester ended I had made colorful mantras that I laminated and taped onto my wall. I repeated them to myself and my sun out loud every rising, or whenever needed. I attended mom groups, and random pregnancy classes. I found a lot of my love while cooking for him. Knowing I was nourishing him with I encouraged myself to spark up conversations with my lil alien. It was uncomfortable in the beginning. A bunch of meaningless small talk. Literally talking to my sun about the weather during my breaks while rubbing my belly awkwardly, faking it until I made it.

Homemade Pregnancy Mantras

Towards my 3rd trimester I had conjured up a certain love for baby’s life. By then I was in a transcendental dance with my shadow-self and my inner child, and I had surrendered to the process. I knew I was at the part of my healing where I alone would have to burn within myself to find my authentic myself. I knew always that I would do anything for him.

X was 12 days late and we were induced at that, so when I finally merged with the universe, and danced out this light passionately I laughed to myself. As the love I at first had to learn, came unconditionally, immediately. I awed in disbelief into the eyes of the universe. I forgive myself; I didn’t know all that he was, are and was going to be. I didn’t innerstand.

I received many looks when I talked about my pregnancy as if it was a burden, but I’m sure I’m not the only mama who’ve felt like that at some point in their motherhood. I open up and share this all with the reader with the intentions of bringing awareness to the stigma of pregnancy. I wish it was realistic to ask people to be neutral until directed when it comes to approaching pregnant women. I wish to innerstand why people feel entitle to question random pregnant women, or judge them for ANYTHING they are experiencing. At the same time I see that the solution to this problem is not that simple, and runs parallel to the patriarchy currently having the power to control women and their bodies. But we’ll save that for another time.

What I think is important about this awareness is innerstanding that this shit can get dark. Pregnancy can be the most isolating experience. It can be a sad experience. Just one of the many sacrifices we make as mothers. Having no control over ourself as we dive into the abyss of the unknown again and again for this new life. Not knowing how you’ll react, not recognizing yourself or your body at times.  Yet remaining strong, and brave. It’s important to be openminded to this, to be sensitive to the many variables, to not make assumptions as it’s not always cutsie photos, unity, and baby showers. In retrospect this is in fact a dangerous transition that many mamas and babies; especially melanated, don’t survive. So be courteous, and show some respect. Open the door for them, or let them cut in line or something. Treat these walking Gods with the grace and innerstanding they deserve for the rest of their lives. The support is needed and cherished. For without us, there would be no us.

Blessed Sun

love

I wanted to feel my power, and so, I felt my power. one moment i was lying down searching for an inspiration, the next moment I was searching for…

I touched and caressed my brain cells from the depths of my milky-way to the hums of John Coltrane. Shouting to myself affirmations like “I am abundant!” and “I love myself”. Telling myself that “I attract success”, and “money flows to me easily” as I pressed on my magnificent. “I am beautiful, I am perfect!” I moan with a release.

I am in shock.

In that moment I felt my pull, I was magnetic.

I went to my alter immediately. Concentrating on my radiance I lit the Palo Santo and declared more affirmations. Channeling spells as I lit my candle and prayed onto the flames. Remembering who I was, what I was capable of. What a sight, a pathway. I painted my fate. A cipher knows best. Nowadays when I walk I’m able to feel my strings pulling me back to this earth. I see items as atoms, I see energies and entities. I must admit, feeling all of this, seeing all of this has left me a bit on edge. In this new reality. Of the ether… You with me?

Seven

running alongside

we collided sipping vitality and its fruits

mixing abundance with belly laughter

finding unity

meeting peace

pacing around the galaxies

holding hands where the rest of us lay

in the midst of us

all becoming

Looking up

i told myself i could be the best lover
the last one standing
listen to me
i told myself i could form the fairytales with words and my own hands
with imagination and soul
choosing to go where the sky bends
and the water calls me out and balances me
soothed over as honey
on a chest so sweet
so deep dark and brown
sitting under crowns
floating on clouds
i believed it, yes i believed it