Slow connections make me uneasy, but perhaps they are the healthiest. Perhaps these passionate beginnings are tactics used for benefit by leeches and vampires. They tend to like my blood the most. Perhaps slow connections should be preferred. To see, trust and remind myself of who I am. Like one step at a time. An unknown. I’m not so sure what I’m supposed to be learning or doing.
September 24, 2022
I get hate for being an alchemist.
I’m surrounded by hurt people. Confused people. Boundaries. Know my limits. Become a recluse.
My abundance is my backbone. It’s what real love tastes like. Unconditional love. Chamomile and honey.
Calm waters. Strength. I know how it looks getting there and what it feels like. I taste it often. It surrounds me. I’ve felt the touch.
Seeking similarities. Taking risks but not to strike blood, not blind and never fooled.
Tap in or keep your distance, cause once ancestors makes moves we burn bridges with haste to protect ours.
Listen
Angels speak
I’ve warned you
Warning. Red. Alarmed. Gut.
Warning
Have a problem?
Confront yourself
Don’t pretend to forget
Don’t rely on other to remember
You are the pilot
Spirit knows what you know
And you know what you know
So hold oneself accordingly
Bear the flame you’ve created
Dance in it
Feed the seeds you sow with the ashes
Ain’t no one to blame but yourself; if one must
Catch a mirror, catch a blade
Capture the power of choice as you catch the sunrise
Our choices; we choose
What future are you voting for
With every breathe, each rising, every move
Every seed
As you’ve placed your opinions and judgements through the paths created
Everyday of the the rest of your life
You have placed your bets
You have created the paths
And ultimately
Believe it or not
You are in charge
Embrace it or fall in line
Lead or be lead
Critique
Who was he?
A collaboration
an art piece
of everything
he was
starstruck and he presented himself as if it was easy
pretending he could shoot arrows and find friendships in the currents and the sand
holding hands with the reality he found himself in
gifted sun worry not
you are everything you say you are
you are reflected you are favored now
your hands can be cleansed
and you can explore the wardrobe of life
Timetravelers
what are you
cause i cant seem to keep up
a god with wings
a newborn
one year
youve walked
circling my being
sprinkling soulful lust and miracles
blowing clouds and fighting starving canines
out of want it glows so natural
you change dress as the seasons do
wearing rain boots taking my hand
we dance
spinning in circles
forgetting this space creating our own dimensions and
becoming the galaxies
Expressing Gratitude
I am grateful for music. I am grateful for my strength and awareness. I am grateful for waking up. I am grateful for my able body. I am grateful for having a full stomach. I am grateful for water. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for the roof over my head. I am grateful for how wonderful stretching feels. I am grateful to be able to sit up straight and meditate on my breathing. I am grateful to be able to feel my lungs fill up. I am grateful to be able to walk and write and process my feelings. I am grateful to be able to hear the birds right outside my window, and hear the fan, and “Shadow Dance” by The Internet is playing in the distance. It’s just the most relaxing mixture. So grateful to be able to hear. I am so grateful for words and being able to read and write. I am grateful for being able to write and that my hands work perfectly for me to be the multifaceted artist I am. I am grateful to be alive today. I am grateful to be learning more about myself everyday (still relevant circa 2020). I am grateful for my van (RIP Rinji). I am grateful for my life and strength. I am grateful for my senses. I am grateful for easily accessible food. I am grateful for the rain. I am grateful for genuine connections. I am grateful to be comfortable in my skin now. I am grateful to have all of my essential needs meet. I am grateful forth wholesome food mama earth provides. I am grateful for who I’m becoming. I am grateful for my lessons. I am grateful for my blessings. I am grateful for life.
I Am Gratefuls circa. July 2016
Tea time with My shadow
“Hmm. Ode to him. In another world I believe you were the love of my life, as I was the apple of your eye. Here, we stay dancing with the spirits of our multiverse. The ghosts of the past replaying within us. As love calls our names. Tethered. But not in the same, for here we sit touching our crisp layers, and saying a prayer to be seen. With nothing to say.
It’s not me.”
-It’s not you either.
“Ive never believed in love at first sight. I laughed in the face of the idea that someone could love someone like me.. at first glance? In one moment? Not a chance. My inner child until recently believed she wasn’t worthy. So much embedded within the coatings of my skin. But when he smiled, and I saw him alive, we would be, I humored the idea and seconded guessed it ever so slightly. And he would say those lil old things and my troubled self played the game. I often wonder was it real. Portal jumping? Never mind.”
-Harmony. Remember?
“Innocent. I remember
Together we became fire. Grounded together by the coals of our worlds. There together. Apart together.
I often played make believe and soft movies. Combined with his promises, his love tender lovin had me running. I played with the idea of him every time we meet, never as aligned. I’d like to believe the love was real, when life was being nice to us, when shit was sweet. When we were open and holding. I have videos of us in our cave. Another kind of us. Who knew co-creating a vessel and portaling a spirit would be so life altering.
Baby I felt his love before, that consistent type. When we cuddled like we’re meant to be. When we laughed and he felt like home. and I’d feel it every day.
But he didn’t hold up his end. He’s not ready to grow with the earth that has touched him. He’s not ready to twist and bend himself between the seams of his mind. To ripe at his own flesh with new hands, as he has mine. And what did I tell him? Oh to be afraid of death… Remember?”
This ode is more for me more so than him, or you, or you. Sitting tongue twisted and full of tears sipping tea with Heartache these days. my old friends! And time will heal and its Zen, just another storm now. it’s just when I’m alone and when he is near I think of him in bits and pieces. Done micro analyzing and compromising. Fuck it.
I wanted to know who you are.
But we’ve showed each other who we are.
Peace & Releasing myself from this cycle
El sol
The sun kisses my body and tells me he’s my new lover
be with me tenderly
leaving elegantly then
coming back home
always
to warm breath and my brown skin
Orange
I am now called to bask in my yoni
And her waters of tears and bloodshed
Soft flesh
Of my ancestors journeys
Gatekeeper of the Akashic records
Portal of all being
Abundant waterbed
All my power comes from you
Pours from you
Then you bleed with the moon
Holy and cleansed
Sacred and magical
Self-sooth
There isn’t a wrong moment to caress yourself
undress yourself
explode into the ether
once more
become it all
made of pleasure and senses
sensations craving seasons
birthed in rainwater
rose water streaming down my face
between my breast
my own universe
and every piece of me floats off wandering
Freegrandmaa 