Her sun rolled his bouncy ball into a stream on purpose.
Mama goes after ball as her sun cries insistently for his bouncy ball’s return.
In the midst of the haste Mama takes stroller down into stream with her.
Mama and the stroller are in the stream.
All of mama’s stuff gets soaked; her phone, keys, purse…everything.
She grabs the ball and throws it up the little hill.
Her sun grabs it and throws it back in. This happens twice before she’s had enough.
Her sun thinks it’s a game and jumps in too.
She attempts to salvage everything.
Her sun now cries insistently because he notices his waterbottle is floating down stream.
Mama says forget that water bottle.
She regrounds.
She rescues all her belongings.
She takes a deep breath, and sternly tells her sun “get it together”
Then,
She walks down stream and retrieves her sun’s waterbottle.
Rest
October 15, 2018
I pray this is the last time I have to break my mothers heart… I can’t think of anything… What is the way? I’m trying to make a relationship work, everything in me tells me it’s wrong, but something is telling me not to give up.
The most difficult part of healing is the era right before the climax when the voices begin to sound the same and you must learn discernment. It becomes a strain to hear the truth; to know right from wrong.
This baby inside me is right, right?
What am I going to do?
Prepare for either and decide later I suppose.
I really need to show up for myself now. I have to prove to myself that I can do it, that I will be a successful mother. That I can be me. Whoever that is.
I pray to find myself.
July 3, 2019
It makes sense. I’m a lover. I’m passionate about love. Meant to embody it’s essence. I fall in love with anything, the lightest and darkest of things. Though my heart has gotten many beatings. I will never stop. And yet she loves to try and try again. Right now my most important love is my sun. X is it all… I’ve watched bits of the sunset. I’ve sorted through my past lovers like solitaire. I wonder why I hold on so tightly like…
Why am I filled with curiosities? Is it possible to outgrow your lovers? To forget them.?
I’ll never forget my sun. I replay his birth and his numbers over and over in my head. I want to always be able to see it clear as day. He’s growing right before my eyes and I can’t squeeze him any tighter. He loves affection, he deserves it. I love knowing that he feels loved. I love making good choices in thought of him.
My love has outgrown me for him. Still sleeping through the night, still nursing. I get tied up in how he sleeps. The different positions. How his little arms folds and gets heavier and heavier with each soft sweet breathe. He gets sleepier. He loves the water; when we take baths together, he’d karate kick and chop the water until he’s all worn out, then fall straight to bed.
Taking it one day at a time. I have much to do, much to shift, and ample enough time, and the willpower as well.
One hundred Lonely Years
Connections
Connections aren’t clear as Babylon glitches. We’re here then we aren’t. It puts me off. So I limbo and toe the ground. Put my cheek on it, feel the heat.
It’s the earth. And she’ll make it up to me.
January 18, 2024
What ever happened to “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”.
To this day I honor this wisdom. Yes it’s okay to vent but overall social media is a prime example of the dangers of gossip and comparison. I’m reprogramming myself to not have so many opinions. I don’t need to judge everything, especially things that have nothing to do with me; which while living a more simple life I realized not much has to do with me and I’m quite irrelevant to the next passerby. Idk I’m really dedicated to not exerting my energy when I don’t need to which I’m finding out is more often than not. Weening myself off of the “tea time” dramas I’m currently attached to, I must admit Im not perfect and like a little drama here and there. But I’ll just keep it to myself.
Why are we attracted to drama? What is so appealing about it?
Wisdom on a feather
One day my hair will touch my toes and I’ll remember this day. I was called a diamond the same time you met me. I had wisdom on a feather written in my love to beloved.
One hundred Lonely Years
January 21, 2024
I’m learning so much about my family since opening my home to my little sisters. It’s been hard but also a big opportunity to grow. Ive decided to recreate my role in my family. Moving away from being just the relatable safe big sister to accepting my role as the matriarch. I’m seeing first hand how these kids are being neglected by parents as well as the education system.
The kids are not the problem. Society is failing these kids.
Growing to be the bigger person to take on the role to guide instead of getting stuck in triggers and ego and allowing us all the remain stagnant. I’m realizing my siblings have no real home training and lack basic respect. I work hard to not blame them for what they haven’t been taught. I find joy at the same time in providing a safe space for them. Goodness though it’s hard being to others what you’ve never received but alas, the fate of the healer I suppose.
Freegrandmaa 