Freegrandmaa

A little love to all my anonymous lovers this year… your quiet devotion tastes divine.
And to the silent ones watching me from the dark; bless you, for you’ve been delicious this year.
A kiss to every admirer who wandered my pages; keep lurking, lover, your presence is felt.
Bless the website ghosts, IG lurkers, midnight readers. You have warmed this year in ways only the unseen can.
Thousands of eyes, no names. Bless my hidden darlings your silence kept me entertained all year.

I’ve softened. I lost almost everything.
I live in another world—I shouldn’t force an earth landing.
I should return to the swinging sky. I miss my dad. I see him all the time. In the ones that love, in the ones that hurt. I’m heaving, I’m hurting.

Right now I’m sad, lonely, fueled off my anger
and sweet vengeance that lifts me up—aflame.
My pain is subtle.
Clear as day in the micro movements.
Forgotten on someone’s windowsill.
If I’m still, my eyes swell.
This is hard.

I’m pernicious. My harm is subtle.
A silhouette just silent and still.
You don’t feel it till you do.

My heart has extra beats now.
My chest is a wicked storm, numb to the groundswell,
toes curled, jaw locked.
I must take a new shape to survive this.
I’ll have a completely new life come snow fall.
I won’t be “myself” anymore.
I want to yell and scream and say hurtful destructive things.

~[ July 25′ journal fragments ]~

They say ignorance is bliss
From the outside
looking into me
my mind is a hell
I am a devoted dare
inside an alchemical burning
My mouth full of delirium
bathing in delirium

In her fantasy she’s no longer comfortable.
She can’t be here.
They don’t hold space for her.

Is it demented?
An illusion?
A fragment?

Heat pressed her
against a buried wall
she carried her sloppily
it was her turn
to flutter
over the jagged landscapes of abandonment
anchor the past
to the nape of my neck
it was our favorite spot to disappear
stretch
kiss

This is what I want — my loves and my sovereignty.
I told him to please behave so we can keep seeing each other. He promised he would. I hope it’s true.
I do things that make me feel good.
I love myself with explosions, tension, and discovery — endless discovery.
Making sure I put myself first.
I feel my inner and my outer all at once — walking anywhere, walking fields.
I feel it all the time, and it’s electrifying.
I can shape, mold, freestyle my life.
It’s magic — pure magic — crystallized in kaleidoscope light.
I felt the alignment of my insides, the bricks of my muscles stacking, solid.
I feel my infinite with every breath,
when I have his attention,
when he hangs on my trail of thoughts.
He whisked me away. He ran me a bath with oils and epsom salt.
I soaked. He brought me a pillow. I read.