Freegrandmaa

Love, for me, is not an emotion.
It’s a way of being.
A state of mind.
A practice.

Lust teaches me to indulge my darkness.
To play.
To have fun inside it.

Lazuli feels like forehead kisses from the Gods,
a warm star in the void.

The pattern I trust now
is coming back to myself
again and again.

This last cycle taught me the difference between wanting anything
and wanting what is truly meant for me.
Quality over quantity.
Depth over distraction.
No more reaching just to feel alive,
or staying just to avoid the ache of leaving.
Solitude became necessary
the only doorway back into the real me,
the depths most people are terrified to meet.
In the quiet, I heard my own voice again:
the outsider, the freethinker,
the woman who never needed permission to know her truth.
My heart speaks for me now.
My mind and spirit too.
I’m finally listening.
Walking away from distraction returned everything I had leaked:
my attention, my sovereignty,
my erotic self-trust,
my freedom,
my wholeness.
My energy feels different
strong, rooted, unmistakable.
I feel known, even if not fully seen.
I trust myself deeply.
I know who and what I am.
A new version of me is resurfacing
the elder in my spirit,
the one who has died and resurrected enough times
to know her own magic.
The woman who chooses herself first,
without guilt, without trembling.
Silence has been my healer.
The silence between thoughts,
the silence in my home,
the silence inside my body,
the silence in the craters of my heart as they scab.
Silence protects.
Silence reorganizes.
Silence brings me back to life.
And now, I’m guarding my heart differently.
Every lover has taught me how to hold her better
her eagerness, her warmth, her fragility.
I’m protecting her from hardening too quickly,
from reopening old wounds just to see if the sun still rises.
I refuse to go cold.
I refuse to let fear kill my softness.
I refuse to let the past shrink my ability to be touched,
kissed, held, adored, or loved.
Devoted to myself and love.
Fully.
Holy.

I realized,
you can’t reach my soul if you’ve never touched your own. I’ve stopped craving to be understood last year
I’m a “mystery”, because most people are strangers to themselves.
I realized,
only those who’ve met their own depths can meet mine.
I realized,
I’ve been my own muse the whole time.
Silly me.

Her teachers were her lineage,
her spinal fluid,
her saliva.
Her teachers are
impetuous years
and hot skin.

And so she breathed there
satisfied,
honored
and became experiences.

She was the kind of girl
that didn’t have a kind.

She made it clear as day
that she was not from this time.
And you would always catch her
looking for something.

She was the kind of girl
that didn’t have a kind.

3 white candles.
Earthy bath infusing with my elements.
A French film, my thoughts.
I don’t want to ever give this up again—
I won’t, can’t live without it.
I’ve created distance between my lovers and myself again;
no wonder they don’t believe me.
But I mean it this time—
I only want myself.
I’ve grown warmth.
My hollers are a gradient opera.
God help me.
God leave me alone.
I knew it—
I knew it.
He’ll never leave me alone.
How’d he conceived a string
out of nothing—
nothing.

Dear moon,

He said my full name
those sound waves
honeyed all over my nervous system

My lover sends me music that I replay for weeks
because it reflects my soul
and makes me cry
my thoughts have become so loud
i’m yelling back at them out loud
and didn’t even notice

Maybe the lesson is to let go the first time
How dare he reflect me so
left me wide open
for the crows to knit and pick at me

📷 : ∆° An old lovers space °∆
🖋️ : ~*A current lovers ache*~

✦ L O V E · L U S T · L A Z U L I ✦

Can you shed your ego,
be within another.
Unrequited hope.
Unrequited lust.