I called you lighthouse
Gently you lead me
Breaking shores end, held my hand
I sailed several seas to meet you
Deck and deserving
I couldn’t wait for you to lead me home
Warm sage
Tentacles
I let you
I let you touch me
And touched you back
You wavered so
I don’t know who you are
But I let you touch me
May 17, 2017
Last night brought me back. X and I talked on the phone for hours, just talking about our future together, our love and meeting each other. I was reminded of my biggest blessing and how real this is. I mean in less than a month I will meet X. I am so grateful I get to experience life with him. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted. He pours so much unconditional love onto me. He validates my feelings, dreams, beliefs. I see us together and I know nothing else will matter because I have him. I know that we will get through everything and anything together. He remind me of my worth even if I don’t believe it. The love we have will touch lives. Yesterday I went back and reread our first messages and think about how it all started and how I was confused when I saw that days had passed by and he was still interested…
Little ducks
Little ducks love how it felt when the clouds cried
They called them tears of joy and they mirrored it
And my yellow man
Payed loose to the wave
And moved by grace
My ole embodiment of peace
Grip
Rise
Florida water
Florida water
Spilled by my baby
Who’s father cursed me
And tries to take letters out my name
October 7, 2021
More trauma, more anger. You’d always ask if I was mad at you. Was it not what you wanted when we repeated “No”. You had to go and get yourself killed. Well now you have it. I am so f****** mad at you, and I hope you know it. I’m so angry at you, and I feel at the core I always have been. I’m pissed off at this soulless body. Explain the voices or rather the voice of you that haunts my mind attempting to console me after destroying me. I’m not enough, and nothing I ever do for anybody will ever be.
How could you not stay here for me, for X. My sun adored you and you left him. That same day I texted you a picture of him and told you about how I see you in him. How could you abandon us in this way. We saw each other all summer, you pulled up to my house whenever you wanted. I gave you allcolades told you I was proud. You were doing better, wanted to be a father, a grandpa, and you did your best. So why didn’t you fight for us, why didn’t you protect yourself, why didn’t you open your eyes and count your blessings.
Right now I sit beside you and you are unresponsive and I swear you’re here because your vessels reflexes are acting up. The way you continue to see right on through all the love that surrounds you is nothing different than how you denied it our whole lives. Maybe we were truly your problem, maybe I. Never good enough.
Honestly f*** you. Though I still wish you peace, just know I won’t have it.
I’m sorry too. You said you’d be here, that if I needed anything… My whole life, you just keep breaking my heart
