Author: Freegrandmaa

Surrealist Recluse
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I don’t like to yell

I don’t like to yell

But I love to break the silence

To penetrate

It’s the first breath

The tip of birth

And you can’t find that kind of moment in movement and stimulation

Go silent for a moment

Svāhā!

Climax

Hands full of prana

Roar through your pores in the safest place

Feel the goodness and the horror

Accept it and become more than vessel

I don’t need to yell through pressure when I’m molded because of it

I like to whisper and pray in my head by my lonesome next to a river under a bridge or something

I don’t want anyone to hear me either, not now it’s too late now

And jokester is my middle name

I got it from my father and they got yelling from our mother

But I

I don’t like to yell

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October 4, 2023

I feel a void here now more than ever.

Even though I’m a bit behind, Im quite rich. Going to plan to get back into donating. Hopefully I can find one closer to me.

I’ve surrendered though. Is ‘giving up’ synonymous? What if it’s my son and I forever. Honestly I think I’d be alright. What if I’m alone up here. My days have been good actually. Tomorrow he has a hearing appointment and we’ve been going to the library, he likes that.

I feel like the more I spend time with myself the further I float. Downloaded Instagram but only for about 15mins. I couldn’t stand it and despised the thoughts I was having. I quickly grew annoyed with the app and then annoyed with myself. The idea of social media is immature and consumerist based and it brings that out in me. I’ve been off all summer.

I’m just detached from summers heat and flings. Am I going somewhere. Do I even have a destination. I feel like my destination may simply be a feeling. Like once I feel safe I’d know I have made it. My body anyways. I wonder how long it takes for your nervous system to regulate. I feel most safe when I’m not partaking in the worldly world. I want to feel safe in the worldly world. I want to feel safe with someone.

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Beginning in your pores

God

Did I make it

I’m in your pores

I want to form with you

Become everything

Mercy me Brahman

I want to be felt

For Ganesha to pluck my harps strings and

Place me down

Sing me a song or something

Tell me it’s real

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April 16, 2017

I broke.

I can’t stop the tears. I haven’t said anything all day, and if I did, I wouldn’t have anyone to say it to.

I spent it in silence and with X. I can’t remember the last time I’ve cried this much and long.

I broke.

I suppose it isn’t possible to ignore trauma, can’t dodge it either or decide you don’t suffer when you’re always alone. I don’t know what to do about this situation but I’m losing myself. Not trying to hold on. I haven’t recognized my thoughts and decisions. My ways for releasing energy is a problem, but that’s okay…

That’s why this whole journey has been so “difficult” for you. You think you’re just over it.

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How to connect

Slow connections make me uneasy, but perhaps they are the healthiest. Perhaps these passionate beginnings are tactics used for benefit by leeches and vampires. They tend to like my blood the most. Perhaps slow connections should be preferred. To see, trust and remind myself of who I am. Like one step at a time. An unknown. I’m not so sure what I’m supposed to be learning or doing.

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September 24, 2022

I get hate for being an alchemist.

I’m surrounded by hurt people. Confused people. Boundaries. Know my limits. Become a recluse.

My abundance is my backbone. It’s what real love tastes like. Unconditional love. Chamomile and honey.

Calm waters. Strength. I know how it looks getting there and what it feels like. I taste it often. It surrounds me. I’ve felt the touch.

Seeking similarities. Taking risks but not to strike blood, not blind and never fooled.

Tap in or keep your distance, cause once ancestors makes moves we burn bridges with haste to protect ours.

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Listen

Angels speak

I’ve warned you

Warning. Red. Alarmed. Gut.

Warning

Have a problem?

Confront yourself

Don’t pretend to forget

Don’t rely on other to remember

You are the pilot

Spirit knows what you know

And you know what you know

So hold oneself accordingly

Bear the flame you’ve created

Dance in it

Feed the seeds you sow with the ashes

Ain’t no one to blame but yourself; if one must

Catch a mirror, catch a blade

Capture the power of choice as you catch the sunrise

Our choices; we choose

What future are you voting for

With every breathe, each rising, every move

Every seed

As you’ve placed your opinions and judgements through the paths created

Everyday of the the rest of your life

You have placed your bets

You have created the paths

And ultimately

Believe it or not

You are in charge

Embrace it or fall in line

Lead or be lead

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Critique

Who was he?

A collaboration

an art piece

of everything

he was

starstruck and he presented himself as if it was easy

pretending he could shoot arrows and find friendships in the currents and the sand

holding hands with the reality he found himself in

gifted sun worry not

you are everything you say you are

you are reflected you are favored now

your hands can be cleansed

and you can explore the wardrobe of life

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Timetravelers

what are you

cause i cant seem to keep up

a god with wings

a newborn

one year

youve walked

circling my being

sprinkling soulful lust and miracles

blowing clouds and fighting starving canines

out of want it glows so natural

you change dress as the seasons do

wearing rain boots taking my hand

we dance

spinning in circles

forgetting this space creating our own dimensions and

becoming the galaxies

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Expressing Gratitude

I am grateful for music. I am grateful for my strength and awareness. I am grateful for waking up. I am grateful for my able body. I am grateful for having a full stomach. I am grateful for water. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for the roof over my head. I am grateful for how wonderful stretching feels. I am grateful to be able to sit up straight and meditate on my breathing. I am grateful to be able to feel my lungs fill up. I am grateful to be able to walk and write and process my feelings. I am grateful to be able to hear the birds right outside my window, and hear the fan, and “Shadow Dance” by The Internet is playing in the distance. It’s just the most relaxing mixture. So grateful to be able to hear. I am so grateful for words and being able to read and write. I am grateful for being able to write and that my hands work perfectly for me to be the multifaceted artist I am. I am grateful to be alive today. I am grateful to be learning more about myself everyday (still relevant circa 2020). I am grateful for my van (RIP Rinji). I am grateful for my life and strength. I am grateful for my senses. I am grateful for easily accessible food. I am grateful for the rain. I am grateful for genuine connections. I am grateful to be comfortable in my skin now. I am grateful to have all of my essential needs meet. I am grateful forth wholesome food mama earth provides. I am grateful for who I’m becoming. I am grateful for my lessons. I am grateful for my blessings. I am grateful for life.

I Am Gratefuls circa. July 2016